5/20/2008 No Meat: The Tall Gary Chronicles

Why do we call Gary "Tall Mother F*&cking Gary"?...might be easier to explain why we don't. Anyway it happened again last night as Gary blew his Meat and Beer coverage with a feeble excuse that went something like "I can't be expected to read 800 e-mails...I'm a freakin VP for Christ’s sake." So there we were after a sweet 4-1 win against the Prairie Dogs with nothing to eat but a bag of chips that KRose serendipitously packed with his Hawaiian Beer. Pig Elders are meeting later this week to discuss disciplinary action against the 6-4 Cancuk. His future with the Pig organization is in jeopardy and talks of extending Gary through the 2013 season have stalled.

Tall Gary Fun Fact: In college they called him "Ninja"...see video here

One from the 2002-3 Greenie Vault (posted without permission)

Pigs open New Year with a classic 6-5 win.
How the Pigs keep the calories off

A New Year and with the New Year comes fire works; code orange alerts; and blanket resolutions. For many Americans and Canadians, especially those who move to America to steal ice-time from Americans, the two most important resolutions for every New Year are watching more Pig games and keeping off the weight.

To loose weight, people must eat less and be more active. The first part of the equation is eating less of what? With warnings about mercury content in fish; mad cow disease and viruses from chickens in Asia there aren’t a lot of choices left except skittles and water. The second part of the equation is a little easier to answer especially if you’re a member of the Oakland Puck Pigs whose 2-1 record since New Year’s has propelled the Pigs into a tie for second place with the Hastings Owls.

How do then the Pigs keep off the weight and burn off the calories on game days?

Kid
Putting hand outside window to see if it’s raining: 25 calories
Listening to brother about engagement plans while driving to the game: 2 calories
Dressing (fastest dresser on the team): 50 calories
Skating into the offensive zone: 75 calories each time-Total 750 calories
Shooting, passing and clearing the puck: 250 calories
Listening to Greenspan about skating in the offensive zone: 0 calories

Peter
Calling Gary to tell him he is injured and can’t play: 50 calories
Golfing while injured: 500 calories
When playing, shots from the point; passing; breaking up 2 on 1s: 650 calories
Roughing it up in front: 450 calories
Drinking beer after the game: 35 calories
Pretending to listen to Greenspan about anything: 0 calories


The Pigs opened the New Year with an impressive 6-5 victory over the first place Skatefull Dead whose only two defeats this year have been at the hands of the Puck Pigs.
The Pigs, once again off to a fast start, took a 2-0 lead only to see it evaporate late in the first period. Both teams traded goals well into the third period thanks to some great offensive playing by Longshore, Fraser, Marcella, Rosey and Dino and excellent forechecking.

Dennis Longshore
Pre-game warm-up: 125 calories
Passing, scoring, fore-checking, back checking: 735 calories
High sticking teammate in locker room: 100 calories
High sticking opponent: 150 calories
Sitting in penalty box: 10 calories per penalty-Total 50 calories
Listening to Greenspan about the defensive zone: 0 calories

With the score tied with about 4 minutes left in the game, Dino, while being knocked down in front, was able to get a shot off and fire it into the net for the go ahead goal. With four minutes to go the Pigs defense led by Obus, Tall Gary, Kid and Pete made some key plays clearing the zone and tieing up the opposition in front. With the goalie pulled, Greenspan won a key face off deep in the Pigs zone and Fraser’s ability to clear the zone helped the Pigs preserve their first win of the New Year. “It was a tremendous win for the Pigs, said Dino. “Not only did we win, but it proved that we can win the big games without McClure and Buck.”

Mac
Changing diapers: 275 calories
Fixing dinner for the wife and kids: 750 calories
Calling to get out of the game: 50 calories
Telling wife “I’m not going to Vegas unless you come with me.” 200 calories
(extra 50 calories if in praying position while talking to wife)
Playing with kids: 350 calories
Cleaning up: 450 calories
Shock at looking at score sheet: 75 calories

After playing one of their greatest periods in team history against the Edge by outscoring the Edge 3-0 in the first period, the Pigs unexpectedly unraveled by allowing 6 unanswered goals en route to a 6-3 loss. “Hopefully, we can learn from that game,” said the kid. “I know I did-don’t invite family to games you think you may loose since they will stop believing you when you tell them we won.”

Obus
Holding umbrella for brother while he walks to the car: 25 calories
Telling brother about his engagement while driving: 300 calories
Clearing pucks and opponents, passing and shooting: 800 calories
Reading the score sheet after the game: 25 calories
Changing the score sheet: 300 calories
E-Mailing the score sheet: 100 calories
Adding up Greenspan’s points: 0 calories

The Pigs third game of the year matched the Pigs against the Oakland Seals who were coming into the game with a five game winning streak and a much improved team from their last game against the Pigs. “A lot of teams obtain players during the season to improve their team, but unfortunately the Pigs have never picked up players during the season,” said Tall Gary. “The only things some players usually pick up during the season is a new pair of socks and hope that other teams think they are new players.”



Tall MF Gary
Talking about Canada: 5 calories
Talking about the new hockey jerseys: 25 calories
Being Tall: 25 calories
Slapshots from the point: 350 calories
Rushes up ice; clearing the opposition in front; passing: 725 calories
Listening to Peter’s excuses for not showing up at a game: 50 calories
Listening to Greenspan about considering making the breakout pass a little earlier: 0 calories

Jeff “Pipes”Giving identification to get locker room key: 50 calories
(Add 125 calories if he has to look for the guy or gal behind the counter)
Kick saves; glove saves and blocker saves: 1025 calories
Listening to Greenspan about blocking the angle: 0 calories

The Pigs gave up the fastest goal in team history just 14 seconds into the game when the Seals forwards moved in quickly and scored against a surprised Jeff. The Pigs however roared back on Kent McClure’s goal in the slot off a feed from Greenspan behind the Seal’s net. The Seals however showing why they are the leading scoring team in the league struck back with two unanswered goals to take a 3-1 lead. “It wasn’t looking good
After the first period,” said, Kevin Rose. “We were being outscored and we had a very short bench with only two lines, but we proved out toughness coming back.”

Dino
Carrying stick bag: 35 calories
Practicing his patened deak: 75 calories
Putting stick on the ice: 35 calories
Shooting and scoring while being cross-checked: 350 calories
Roughing it up in front of the net: 650 calories
Listening to Greenspan about going into deep in the defensive zone: 0 calories

Fraser
Putting on green hockey pants: 25 calories
Aggressive backchecking and forechecking; passing; shooting: 5000 calories
Dreaming of squirrels while listening to Greenspan: 5 calories

And coming back the Pigs did while burning a record number of calories. Longshore scored to pull the Pigs within one and then Greenspan scored his first goal of the season on a rebound off a great rush by Tall Gary. “People will read the score sheet and think Greenspan scored on an incredible play with an amazing shot,” said Obus. “However, anyone who knows hockey will agree that the goal was scored on an incredible play thanks to Gary and that Greenspan was probably falling when he accidentally knocked the puck in.”


David Greenspan
Injuring leg: 50 calories
Injuring adam’s apple: 50 calories
Injuring hand: 50 calories
Injuring back: 50 calories
Proclaiming he is fit to play: 25 calories
Scoring: 0 calories
Skating to bench after an injury: 250 calories
Back checking; winning face-offs and passing: 550 calories
Coaching and advising: 150 calories (if winning)
Coaching and advising: 450 calories (if loosing)

Intellegence Report 10823.12.09142 (Pilipino Flash)

Click for Top Secret and Pig Confidential Reports:

Hockey Report

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High School Report

Intel courtesy of the "Mangler"

Head Butts...we don't need no stinkin' head butts.

So it was on the 7th day the Lord rested and looked and marveled at what he had created. I'm thinking head buttin' cageless hockey players wasn't one of them. The Pigs rolled in typical Swine fashion. It started out with an early game that many Pigs aren't use to so what did the boys in black do......Dominate Short for a majority of the game. Pipes got a late start out of the locker room with only 1:34 to warm up. Steve decided to covet the holiest of seats and cop a squat in Pipes normal place. I do believe seating assignments for Swine can be found in our by-laws page 2 paragraph 3 line 7. Anyway, it seemed to put Pipes in the right mind set. Not only did he stone the "Flash" he made him look like a rented player FOB (Fresh of the Boat) from Manila. The ice seemed a bit uneven the first period with the Mavericks dominating on the shot clock and overall chances. The fact that Dennis strained his Vulva in warm ups didn't help the guys playing Center....oh I mean Rob. Dennis in typical Wisconsin grit sucked it up and made a hell of a game. Nice work Longshore. The newest member to the squad Mo chiseled his name in fine Pig fashion. He has now shown all that it ain't the size of the dog in the fight it's the size of the fight in the dog. After Mo was repeatedly hacked and slashed he decided to rectify a wrong and make it right, unfortunately the CAGE MAN had his own plans.....Can you say Head Butt to a cageless player. Mo and T Mac now have more in common than they thought, horseshoe scars....NICE! Well back to the action. The game pretty much stayed a 1-1 stalemate through most of the shenanigans until Papi decided to show the Mavericks what true punishment is. Lets just say that Papi went back to the days of glory when a cup check meant you were dating and an elbow to the chops meant your were liked but not loved. Papi found himself an early way to the showers for reasons most are still unsure of. He is taking the next few games off to recon the Pacific Isles for more to unleash his wrath. Now the Pigs are down Mo (Major for slashing), Papi (playing hard) and TMAC, PG, TG, DINO, MAGLER (??????). So that leaves Mac, Lem, Kid, Dennis, K Rose, Robb, RPM to handle a 5 on 3 for 5 minutes. Mind you there is only 5:55 left in the game and it is nutlocked at 1. Well enter RPM and his Ginsu.....For those who were there, you know. Those that weren't know that his edges on his skates are SHARP. Glove side end to end killin' a 5 on 3.....Priceless. The only thing that wasn't in the Pig Plan was a High Stick by the Mavs to knock one down and bury it on Pipes who did all he could to help secure RPM's game winner. The score ended 2-2 but by Moral victory standards Pigs 10 Mavs 2. Thanks to Magler for sending out the recent recon on our newest target Kevin Arabejo (Flip Flash). T Mac can teach him a thing or two about keeping your feet. And yes Papi the Pacheco Library called me and told me to not keep overdue books it takes away from us all. See you all next Tuesday for a little Prarie Dog action on the big ice.

May 6, 2008: Pigs v PBR: Magic 8; Balls Nostradamus once said “A just one will be sent back again into exile…” and so it happened last night in Oakland as Tmac was escorted off the ice early in the 1st period with an apparent facial flesh wound. Upon his return, complete with butterfly Band-Aid between the eyes, the Pigs were trailing 2-0 deep into the 2nd period. As if Nostradamus wasn’t enough it looks as though Dino’s recent vasectomy has given him prognosticating powers beyond his wildest dream as he was overheard mumbling a laughable game final score prediction of 8-2. Then it happened. Tmac tied things up 2-2 with a pair of 2nd period beauties. In the third the Pigs took a 3-2 lead behind a Kid goal powered by the sweet soft hands of Dino and Herrick. Gracie lit the lamp seconds later with a laser from the point. Tmac got the hat trick seconds behind that and the hits kept coming. With the score 7-2 and the clock winding down it looked as if Dino’s bold prediction was meaningless however as if it were written in stone Dino buried the 8th goal of the night as the Pigs win it 8-2. That was some magic and those were some bruised balls.

Post Game Notes: T-mac received emergency medical attention after the game and it required only 10 stitches. He is expected to make a full recovery.




Post Game Interview: Jackie Tells it like it is

Feature Player of the Week: Pipes



Our feature player of the week is Pipes. We all know what Pipes can do for the Pigs. We also know the Greatest use of Life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. Here is a little video of one of Pipes' pet projects...her name is Sammy.

Mo Inks Long Term Pig Contract

Not only does Mo add a new dimension to the wing he also brings an entire farm system into the Pig fold. Mo is the proud papa of 5 boys. Welcome.