3/30/06: And so it begins...

Pigs (10-8-2) end up as a #5 seed in a field of 11 teams. 1st Round starts on Sunday (4/2). We are matched up against the #8 Fog (9-10-1). We were 0-2 against these fuckers in the regular season. As such Mac wanted me to mention that there will be no sex allowed within 48 hours of the game. He says we need our legs. Apparently this rule will be no problem for Dino. Game starts at 9:45. See you there.

kid

3/24/06: Pigs Close Down the 2005-06 Regular Season with a 4-3 win over the Edge

The Pigs of Oakland took one step closer to the cup late Thursday night with a huge short bench win over the hated Edge. Down 0-2 early the Pigs rallied behind 3 Mac goals to eventually put this one away 4-3 (Herrick's goal was pretty nice and I do have to give a shout out to Minnesota Scott's world class screen on Mac's #3). For the season the Pigs end up 10-8-2 and likely locking up the #6 seed entering the playoffs.

Fast Eddy Update: He did not get any pussy last week however still has a hard on from the Viagra Mangler provided.

2005-2006 Awards

Each year, writers and the Pig Players Association recognizes the players. Here are the 2005-2006 results:

Jack Adams: This award is for the best coach. Winner: David Greenspan for his "brokback" style and contribution during the 2005 part of the season. This is David's first Adams award after coaching the team for 7 years.

Georges Vezina: This award is for the best goalie. Winner: Jeff. With only an 88% save percentage Jeff wins cause he's our only goaltender...and for taking time off to drink beers in Bavaria at the tail end of the season.

Heart: This award is for the team MVP. Winner: Mac not only for leading the team in goals (12), assists (15), and pts (27) but for a constant supply of internet porn. Thanks Mac. You are a man of the people!

Bill Masterton Memorial: This award is given to the player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey. Winner: Dino. The guy never gives up (except last night after Mac's third goal Dino gave up hope for regaining the pig season scoring title).

Lester B. Pearson: This award is for the most outstanding player. Winner: The early nod was for Pittsburg Justin however with only 8 games played his 1.5 PPG isn't representative. As such, this years Pearson goes to Mike, the Czech boys, Marsella, Mo, Obus, and all the other subs we had throughout the year.

Calder: Most proficient in 1st year on the Pigs. Winner: Minnesota Scott. Sota had a breakout year bringing tons of goals(9), PIMs(16), assists(6), fans(25), beers(36), and cheers(16dB).

Da Byng: Gentleman. Winner: Lemon who finished with zero PIMs and spat up blood. Nice work.

Maurice Richard. Top Goal scorer. Winner: Mac (12)

Selke: Forward who best excels in the defensive aspects of the game. Winner: Herrick. Thanks for skating back. "it's never to late to get back on D".

King Clancy: Player who best exempifies leadership qualities on and off the ice and has made noteworthy humanitarian contributions. Winner: Mangler for taking care of the grill, the team, and giving fast eddy viagra and beer. Interestingly enough Mangler finished atop the heap in PIMs (34).

Norris: Defensive player who demonstrates the greatest all-around ability. Winner: Gracie is the clear winner despite his line mate(Kid) getting the glory leading all defensemen with 6 goals and a +25, game film revealed it was Gracie's greatness that set it all up.

Ross: Pts leader. Winner: Fucking Mac (27)

Conn Smythe: MVP of the playoffs...Winner: Who's gonna step up????

3/19: Pigs Tie 1-1, Fast Eddy Scores, and the Goiter Returns

Pigs peppered the Bulldogs with 56 shots on net (probably an additional 56 shots near net) yet only come away with 1 goal and a tie. "Check out my leg...the Goiters back" mired Rosie after the game in reference to the puck sized growth on his ankle. We've never been better positioned for the playoff run. Greenie...do you have any pointers for Rosie on how to get the Goiter to perform on the ice?

After the game Fast Eddy scored more than just the usual few bucks from the Pig players. Tonight he scored a few wine coolers and planned to parlay them into more than just the usual. "You got another one of these? I need these to get some pussy." "Anyone got viagra...at 53 I need some help!". Well from the look on Eddy's face I think he scored. Mangler...get this man some equipment...we could use him on the ice!


Fast Eddie gets a pair of adult beverages and a Viagra!!! The result???

Aprile the Goalie found in Romania!!!

In a desperate effort to find a goalie for Sunday's Pigs game an all points bulletin was put out to search for a steady net minder. Ultimately Lemon's friend was found and was able to tend net admirably.

However in a more bizarre and shocking result, the long lost goaltender Richard Aprile was found playing his usual style in Romania. Despite rumors that Aprile had retired to Tahoe thanks to the Dot Com boom, he in fact is still racking up penalty minutes and using his goal stick like a weapon abroad.

Let’s hope he still attends his anger management classes.

Enjoy!!

Mac.

Ps. If you watch closely about half way through the video I'll swear you see Greenie in a white lab coat trying to calm everyone down.

3/12: Eight wasn't Enough as the Jets routed the Pigs 7-1

Talk of Flo-bies and Mullets wasn't enough to motivate the Pigs to their 10th win of the season as only 8 Pigs showed up to take on the United Jets. "Won't be at the game tonight...good luck guys" was all Herrick, a designated beer bitch for the 3/12 game, could muster via e-mail just hours before the game. Fucker. Anyway here's the Eight Insn't Enough Cast from last night's game:

>Mary - Mangler. This bitch was tough as nails on the show and probably best aligns with Mangler's "senior" status
.

>David - Lemon. I think there was an episode where David, despite his macho exterier, got hurt and spat up some blood.


>Joanie - Rosie. Always coming up with brilliant ideas like "let's give Kid a mullet."


>Nancy - Kid. Kinda clumsy on the ice but hot w/ tons of flowing blonde hair!


>Elizabeth - Fraser. Elizabeth like Fraser was into strange hats with "Greenie" likenesses (not shown here).


>Suzen - Dino. She married Merle the Pearl...Merle and Dino are two peas in a a pod


>Tommy - Minnesota. Fiesty...always mixing it up with the authorities.


>Nicholas - Mac. Doppelgangers.

United Jets on Deck for Sunday 3/12

Test your on ice skills by playing this off ice game called Brad. A guarenteed Hat Trick to those scoring more than 18,444 pts. Good luck. Post your scores in the comments section.

Kid

3/6/06: Grateful Dead, Gay Cowboys, Tall Gary, and less...

Behind 53 shots on net the Pigs were able to pick up a 7-3 victory over the visiting Bulldogs last night in Oakland. The Pigs scoring was lead by Minnesota Scott who said in retrospect of his first Pig hat trick "all I really wanted was that 'Steal Your Puck' t-shirt." The Pig opponents really didn't put up much resistance to the Shock & Awe tactics employed by Pig Captain Mac who chipped in a pair of red lights. "I really wanted Brokeback Mountain to win" whimpered Bulldog captain #75, the 265 pounder whoes playing style has been paralleled with that of a beached whale (for more information on why some whales beach themselves see Darwin). It was that kind of night...the kind of night where Oscar snubbed the homosexual goliath in favor of hate, the kind of night where Tall Gary showed up, the kind of night where Dino forgot the meat, the kind of night where Fraser forgot the beer, the kind of night where Mrs. Mangler called to remind him not to fondle team-mates in the shower (again), the kind of night where Pittsburg Justin couldn't find a Bart Station or a mullet, the kind of night where the last three Pigs felt safe to drink one last beer in Oakland despite the recent murders. All in all good times.


This is the guy who didn't bring the meat!


Another Look at Family Night...Team McClure could be tough to beat in 2013. Fast Eddy is willing to coach.

Pig's #1 Fan pumps up the team and speaks of her favorite player: