"business in the front, party in the back."



Kid you will be on this list soon enough!!!

4/3/06: Pigs lost in the Fog

Dreams of the Cup, banners, and mullets ended abruptly Sunday night as the Fog shellacked the Pigs 6-1 in the 1st round of the 2005-2006 playoffs. Outshot 41 to 26 the Pigs played most of the game in their own end. "I felt like a zombie" stammered Sodapop Scott who spent more time shooting a low budget horror film than shooting the puck on Sunday. Not all was lost on the night as the team posed for on ice pictures after the game for the hungry Pig fans (Tall MF Gary's Dad). The night was capped off with a David Gwortzman sighting. "Gwortzky" was best known as the underapprecitated #4 man on the famous "tunnel rat" line of 1998.

Con Smyth Winner: Goaltender and part time Bavarian Jeff for out of skull play. One of his finest.

See you all in the summer!

kid

3/30/06: And so it begins...

Pigs (10-8-2) end up as a #5 seed in a field of 11 teams. 1st Round starts on Sunday (4/2). We are matched up against the #8 Fog (9-10-1). We were 0-2 against these fuckers in the regular season. As such Mac wanted me to mention that there will be no sex allowed within 48 hours of the game. He says we need our legs. Apparently this rule will be no problem for Dino. Game starts at 9:45. See you there.

kid

3/24/06: Pigs Close Down the 2005-06 Regular Season with a 4-3 win over the Edge

The Pigs of Oakland took one step closer to the cup late Thursday night with a huge short bench win over the hated Edge. Down 0-2 early the Pigs rallied behind 3 Mac goals to eventually put this one away 4-3 (Herrick's goal was pretty nice and I do have to give a shout out to Minnesota Scott's world class screen on Mac's #3). For the season the Pigs end up 10-8-2 and likely locking up the #6 seed entering the playoffs.

Fast Eddy Update: He did not get any pussy last week however still has a hard on from the Viagra Mangler provided.

2005-2006 Awards

Each year, writers and the Pig Players Association recognizes the players. Here are the 2005-2006 results:

Jack Adams: This award is for the best coach. Winner: David Greenspan for his "brokback" style and contribution during the 2005 part of the season. This is David's first Adams award after coaching the team for 7 years.

Georges Vezina: This award is for the best goalie. Winner: Jeff. With only an 88% save percentage Jeff wins cause he's our only goaltender...and for taking time off to drink beers in Bavaria at the tail end of the season.

Heart: This award is for the team MVP. Winner: Mac not only for leading the team in goals (12), assists (15), and pts (27) but for a constant supply of internet porn. Thanks Mac. You are a man of the people!

Bill Masterton Memorial: This award is given to the player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey. Winner: Dino. The guy never gives up (except last night after Mac's third goal Dino gave up hope for regaining the pig season scoring title).

Lester B. Pearson: This award is for the most outstanding player. Winner: The early nod was for Pittsburg Justin however with only 8 games played his 1.5 PPG isn't representative. As such, this years Pearson goes to Mike, the Czech boys, Marsella, Mo, Obus, and all the other subs we had throughout the year.

Calder: Most proficient in 1st year on the Pigs. Winner: Minnesota Scott. Sota had a breakout year bringing tons of goals(9), PIMs(16), assists(6), fans(25), beers(36), and cheers(16dB).

Da Byng: Gentleman. Winner: Lemon who finished with zero PIMs and spat up blood. Nice work.

Maurice Richard. Top Goal scorer. Winner: Mac (12)

Selke: Forward who best excels in the defensive aspects of the game. Winner: Herrick. Thanks for skating back. "it's never to late to get back on D".

King Clancy: Player who best exempifies leadership qualities on and off the ice and has made noteworthy humanitarian contributions. Winner: Mangler for taking care of the grill, the team, and giving fast eddy viagra and beer. Interestingly enough Mangler finished atop the heap in PIMs (34).

Norris: Defensive player who demonstrates the greatest all-around ability. Winner: Gracie is the clear winner despite his line mate(Kid) getting the glory leading all defensemen with 6 goals and a +25, game film revealed it was Gracie's greatness that set it all up.

Ross: Pts leader. Winner: Fucking Mac (27)

Conn Smythe: MVP of the playoffs...Winner: Who's gonna step up????

3/19: Pigs Tie 1-1, Fast Eddy Scores, and the Goiter Returns

Pigs peppered the Bulldogs with 56 shots on net (probably an additional 56 shots near net) yet only come away with 1 goal and a tie. "Check out my leg...the Goiters back" mired Rosie after the game in reference to the puck sized growth on his ankle. We've never been better positioned for the playoff run. Greenie...do you have any pointers for Rosie on how to get the Goiter to perform on the ice?

After the game Fast Eddy scored more than just the usual few bucks from the Pig players. Tonight he scored a few wine coolers and planned to parlay them into more than just the usual. "You got another one of these? I need these to get some pussy." "Anyone got viagra...at 53 I need some help!". Well from the look on Eddy's face I think he scored. Mangler...get this man some equipment...we could use him on the ice!


Fast Eddie gets a pair of adult beverages and a Viagra!!! The result???

Aprile the Goalie found in Romania!!!

In a desperate effort to find a goalie for Sunday's Pigs game an all points bulletin was put out to search for a steady net minder. Ultimately Lemon's friend was found and was able to tend net admirably.

However in a more bizarre and shocking result, the long lost goaltender Richard Aprile was found playing his usual style in Romania. Despite rumors that Aprile had retired to Tahoe thanks to the Dot Com boom, he in fact is still racking up penalty minutes and using his goal stick like a weapon abroad.

Let’s hope he still attends his anger management classes.

Enjoy!!

Mac.

Ps. If you watch closely about half way through the video I'll swear you see Greenie in a white lab coat trying to calm everyone down.

3/12: Eight wasn't Enough as the Jets routed the Pigs 7-1

Talk of Flo-bies and Mullets wasn't enough to motivate the Pigs to their 10th win of the season as only 8 Pigs showed up to take on the United Jets. "Won't be at the game tonight...good luck guys" was all Herrick, a designated beer bitch for the 3/12 game, could muster via e-mail just hours before the game. Fucker. Anyway here's the Eight Insn't Enough Cast from last night's game:

>Mary - Mangler. This bitch was tough as nails on the show and probably best aligns with Mangler's "senior" status
.

>David - Lemon. I think there was an episode where David, despite his macho exterier, got hurt and spat up some blood.


>Joanie - Rosie. Always coming up with brilliant ideas like "let's give Kid a mullet."


>Nancy - Kid. Kinda clumsy on the ice but hot w/ tons of flowing blonde hair!


>Elizabeth - Fraser. Elizabeth like Fraser was into strange hats with "Greenie" likenesses (not shown here).


>Suzen - Dino. She married Merle the Pearl...Merle and Dino are two peas in a a pod


>Tommy - Minnesota. Fiesty...always mixing it up with the authorities.


>Nicholas - Mac. Doppelgangers.

United Jets on Deck for Sunday 3/12

Test your on ice skills by playing this off ice game called Brad. A guarenteed Hat Trick to those scoring more than 18,444 pts. Good luck. Post your scores in the comments section.

Kid

3/6/06: Grateful Dead, Gay Cowboys, Tall Gary, and less...

Behind 53 shots on net the Pigs were able to pick up a 7-3 victory over the visiting Bulldogs last night in Oakland. The Pigs scoring was lead by Minnesota Scott who said in retrospect of his first Pig hat trick "all I really wanted was that 'Steal Your Puck' t-shirt." The Pig opponents really didn't put up much resistance to the Shock & Awe tactics employed by Pig Captain Mac who chipped in a pair of red lights. "I really wanted Brokeback Mountain to win" whimpered Bulldog captain #75, the 265 pounder whoes playing style has been paralleled with that of a beached whale (for more information on why some whales beach themselves see Darwin). It was that kind of night...the kind of night where Oscar snubbed the homosexual goliath in favor of hate, the kind of night where Tall Gary showed up, the kind of night where Dino forgot the meat, the kind of night where Fraser forgot the beer, the kind of night where Mrs. Mangler called to remind him not to fondle team-mates in the shower (again), the kind of night where Pittsburg Justin couldn't find a Bart Station or a mullet, the kind of night where the last three Pigs felt safe to drink one last beer in Oakland despite the recent murders. All in all good times.


This is the guy who didn't bring the meat!


Another Look at Family Night...Team McClure could be tough to beat in 2013. Fast Eddy is willing to coach.

Pig's #1 Fan pumps up the team and speaks of her favorite player:

Bring Back Andre!!!

Aside from his outstanding scoring skills (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andre_Lacroix_%28hockey%29,) the flying frenchman knew how to run a mean Pick -up league in Oakland!!!! May he rest in peace.

Jenna Jameson is HOT!!!!!

Ok that one is for the Kid.....Give the Lem a second to recover. The Pigs in their pursuit for immortality have gotten one step closer. After a hard fought battle on Sunday they have sealed up 4th in the Silver A standings. The Pigs came out gunning in the 4-2 win. " I couldn't believe my eye" Kid was quoted in a post game wrap on The Savage Nation. "My boys went out there without me and stood tall." Was there ever a doubt? Kid was sorely missed on the Blueline but Rosey stepped up banging one in from the blueline. "That had some heat on it and I wasn't getting in front of that" Dino told Mac. Rosey almost the winner of the PIG with his attempted alley OOP but Dino took home the POG with 2 beauties. " I thought I had him hooked up for his 3rd but it just rang off the iron" Herrick told Greenspan via conference call from Torino. The Grizzlies made it a game with 2 breakaways that caught the Lem and Rosey sleeping. Mangler and Frazier did their part with Mangler getting a double minor for being someone who was just as interested in the PUCK as the next guy. "Are you out of your Friggin mind, he has just as much right to Puck as Fast Eddy has to a free night sleep" the Captain was heard telling "Lurch" the elder ref of the nights game. The Pigs managed to show that they can handle the puck in the offensive zone. Minnesota quarterbacked a 5 on 3 that spanned almost 2 minutes in the zone. "We had our chances but just didn't get the breaks" Sota told K Rose benchside. After the final horn the Pigs were treated to all sorts of meats provided by K Rose and family. " How bout those John Holmes sausages" Mangler was quoted grillside. The family day at the rink was one for the ages and will be remebered by all. " I have never seen so many kids at one game" Fast Eddy was heard telling Mangler. Yes we had our fan base and yes we gave them a show. Now take these next 3 weeks and get ready for the final stretch. The playoffs are just around the corner and this time the Pigs will hoist the banner. One last thing, is it possible that the Kid will not lead in PIM's? In a phone interview after the game with the Lem Kid was quoted "if I can get my 2 year old to show me some steel cage match moves like the one she threw on me then maybe just maybe I can make up some lost ground on the Mangler."

Lemon: Quit surfing for porn and get that Pig Blog from 2/12 posted already! Geeze. Remember I'm always watching.

Pigs add new player!!!!

Emortal Elders meet again and decide to add new player to the Puck Pigs!!! Please welcome Billy Batson to our team. His special skills should help our power-play. The best part is he has his own motorhome so we can finally organize a trip to Vegas with Marsella!

http://www.retrojunk.com/details_tvshows/462-shazam/

Mac.

Big Dubya for the Mighty Pigs

So the Kid has let the Lem handle this weeks posting. Gotta say I am no where near the literary icon as the Kid but hey we have to learn to crawl before we can walk right? Well as usual the Mighty Pig Nation was on hand thanks to PG's folks rolling in from Calgary. "You call that hockey, I call that a nail biter" touted Father PG. "I thought I was looking at the Flames out there on a Stanley Cup run" Mother PG was quoted telling the Daily News in Calgary. "The boys really showed me something out there tonight" goaltender Jeff was heard telling his wife via cellphone. Some of the Pigs gotta a little down early thinking that Jeff thought we might be playing shuffleboard as opposed to ice hockey. He will be the first to tell you that a few got by that should have been saved. "I think he just got confused out there being the net was moved up about 5 feet" quoted Minnesota. Where was Pittsburgh? Oh yeah basking in the glow of the Bus' man sauce. Justin was MIA on Sunday but after a group vote the Pigs decided to let him play on Sunday vs. the Grizzy Horseman with no fine to be incurred except maybe some Fast Eddy money. After a dismal 2 periods the Pigs finally found a way with an inspiring talk from team captain Mac. "You can do it" echoed the Points leader for the Pigs. The Pigs took advantage of a 5 on 3 and Rosey buried it early. "That got the party started" Herrick said. "The Mangler was doing his best Bobby Orr impersonation by posting a pair of assists" K Rose was heard telling the Lem Q side. Now if the Pigs could remember to bring their A game on the 12th this could be the run of all runs heading into the playoffs. The Pigs are hoping that the one month layoff following Sundays game will be the spark and road to healing that they need. One thing to keep in mind though all you faithful Pig followers....The Kid may seem quiet and peaceful on the exterior but boy can he pack a wallup. I counted 3 beheadings Al-Quaida style in the first period alone. Be safe my Swine and see you for family day at the arena on Sunday.



Goaltender Jeff earns the first PIG award for his Bill Buckner ole in the 1st period. Congrats!

Puck Pigs,

It's time for some motivation. We can collectively decide if this award is worthy of POG (Player of the Game) or PIG (Player Incompetence of the Game).

Hopefully all it will really do is provide some laughs in the parking lot while we swig brews!

Mac.

WHAT THE FU@#

Ok here is the deal. The Sharks let the Lem and Mangler down. Did we learn some things.....Yes we did. Get the puck deep early you Sons a bitches. After a few drafts and some Buritos the star pairing of the Mangler and the Lem had a vision....in the words of Mac the Great "Don't waste my speed get it deep early." Mangler and Lem made a pack (no it wasn't an anal pack) to help Mac and the rest of the frontline look good on the stat sheet and we will gain the blueline and let you fools run under it. Dino was heard saying "show me don't tell me." I hope he means that about sending the puck in not the size of the Lem's hole after a pseudo pounding by Mangler(see Kids attachment).

On a more serios note my Pig Nation Swine I think it is time to rebirth an old friend....We need throwback jersey night. I am in favor of doing this the following game. Might be just the kick we need. More to follow and remember to always use the force.

2/2/06 Brokeback Mountain meets the Pigs:

Lemon and Mangler's on the ice relationship taking them to the next level. Here we capture Lemon preparing for his date with Metro Mangler. Congrats guys!



I would also like to Welcome Lemon (AKA AnalBleacher) to the wonderful world of Blogging Pig style. His feature article is below.

Mangler and Lem to get some pointers.....


The Lem and Mangler will be following the Platinum Icons this evening at the Tank. The 2 top defensemen are looking to get that oh so needed spark to get the Pigs back to .500 The Mangler has been working on his crossover technique from Cunny Master to Team leader in PIM's. The Lem trying to get Mangler to send out a spread sheet on the do's and don'ts at the blueline but to no avail. After Kate's most inspiring posting to the Pig Nation "the Blue Liners of the Pigs have something to prove" said an undisclosed Pig. "I will make myself known by my play on the ice not off it" said the Kid who guaranteed 2 goals this go round with the Black Dogs.

In other news it is sad to report that the Warriors had to let their top PR man go for "Insensitive e mails" regarding Ghetto Prom. The Pigs hope to bring this man on board as their new equipment manager but contracts have stalled due to the lack of African Americans being represented on the Pigs. One source close to the Pigs said "it is only a matter of time before the Pigs get goal scorer Mo Howell in the line up and when that happens you are gonna see some real magic." Mo has been courted by many other teams and still remains MIA. The word on the street is that Greenspan and his Malibu Wildcats have made a pitch to the stellar forward. Who is next Minnesota and Pittsburgh???? I don't think so.

2/1/06: Elders Emerge, Kate Reaches Out to The Pigs

Little Kate McClure addressed the Pig Nation Elders last night in an effort to keep Pig Nation parties alive despite declining on ice performance. Dressed in full Pig regalia her "Win at all cost, loosing is not acceptable!" speech was too much for the Nation Elders and the prohibition motion was rejected. Later, emerging from the secret meeting location, Kate shouted to the press: "Let it rain beer and dogs for all!"