3/25/07 Playoff Hockey is Here; Pigs partner with Canadian Youth.

Finishing the regular season with an impressive 15-4-1 record the Pigs ventured into the playoff pool ranked #2 pitting us against the #9 Bulldogs. After a 15 minute delay waiting for Oakland PD to arrive to escort a few players from the Ice (our long time fat f#@! friend #75 was ineligible to play yet refused to leave the ice) the game started. The Kid opened up the 2007 Pig Playoff season with a goal while adding another later in the 1st period as the Pigs cruised to a 12-1 victory. “The way Mac’s fantasy hockey team was playing I had to do something on the ice to build his spirits” recalled the Kid in reference to Mac’s line up call partnering Kid with point powerhouse Tmac. Round two scheduled for 3/29.

In other news Tall Gary was on hand not only to rack up 3 assists in front of the home crowd he was able to kick off his latest business venture. Gary has partnered with a Canadian Youth organization committing every aluminum beer can consumed during or after a Pigs game be properly recycled with all the proceeds flowing north. Pictured below with a youth recycling the very first two cans. Congrats guys!

3/22/07 Recipe for Championship Hockey (Papi Style)

1) Line Changes: 45 - 60 second shifts, Shoot in - get off (Change as a unit)
2) 2 way hockey: Win all races for the puck, Play hard on the puck, 1 forward high two deep, Forwards come back into "D" zone to support, Outlet pass from "D" No floating in the neutral zone
3) Puck Movement: Crisp flat passes ( no chip shots ), Make sure puck gets thru ( not in their pads), Chip & flow (use angles off boards) this, keeps our guy moving
4) Passing: 200% rule, Not up the gut (middle of ice), Use soft dumps, Support puck carrier by making your stick available for pass
5) Protecting the lead: Trapping, one forechecker, Pick off errant passes, No pinching
6) Goalie: Puck support behind the net, Aggressive puckhandling on Power Play.

Go Pigs!

And now a message from Herrick, Denny & Kid to all our wingmen out there. Live the Dream boys!

Mahalo from the Lem. "Go Pigs"

GLOBAL WARNING (Warming): Hockey Heralded As Enemy Of The Earth??

Mangler...we will not stand for this as it threatens our way of life. Simply put...the average white, heterosexual male has had it with this crap. Talk to your people before we hurt them.

March 6, 2007: Pigs Lock up the #2 seed & Pop Cherry explains the Dangle

Tuesday’s game against the Mavericks proved that with the right inspiration anything can happen. It all started with a surprise locker-room visit from one of the all time greats…Pop Cherry. The patented finger point and a few words about “dangling” was all it took for the Pigs to avenge their week 9 loss (4-1) to the Mavericks. It only took the Kid 18 seconds to light the lamp in the 1st period off a Papi/Mac rebound in front of the net. No dangling yet a 1-0 lead. Seconds later the turtle “waives” a Papi goal claiming Mac was in the crease. Pigs extended their lead to 2-0 midway through the second off a t-mac PP goal. Pipes made the play of the game stopping a 2-0 while the Pigs were enjoying a 2 man advantage to keep the two goal advantage. A late 2nd period breakdown cost the Pigs a goal and made it a 2-1 game entering the 3rd. With spring league baseball in full swing t-mac warmed up with a mid air netter to seal the deal at 3-1. Game note: Pig all star defensemen Gracie with a tear, stepped forward and accepted the “unsung hero” award for the 2006-2007 season. Gracie listing last in PPG with a miniscule .27 does so many things on the ice that don’t show on the stat sheet. “I’m just hopping to get mentioned in the blog this week,” Gracie said upon accepting this award. Prior year winners include the “shadow” Greenspan and Big T. Neither was reachable for comment.



Inside the numbers: Pipe Dreams

Goaltender and reality based super smart guy “Pipes” is having quite a season. Posting a career best 14-3-1 record the goaltender is arguably playing in the “out of skull” mode reminiscent of the 2003 Pig Championship season. At the 10,000 foot level there is some concern that this record is artificially supported due to the great offensive numbers the team is posting. Let’s dive a little deeper. The Pigs are scoring 5.11 goals per game. Pipes is giving up an even 3.00 with a save percentage just south of .900. Championships are won with goaltending and if Pipes wants to live the dream he will need to step it up a notch. Or does he? Over the last three games Pipes is on Championship pace with a 1.67 GAA and .940 save percentage. Coach Cherry targets a sub 2 GAA and at least a .935 save percentage to have any chance of bringing home the cup. Pipes…dreams do come true.

March 6, 2007: Nanny’s Gone Wild, F*&^% Haole!

Trailing 1-0 to the Bulldogs at the close of the 1st horn, goal scoring titan T-mac kicked things off scoring his 8th hat trick of the year giving the Pigs a 3-1 lead going into the final frame. “Where did you guys find that guy” reserve Pig and Reno resident Greg shouted (that's Greg in the Pig mask below sipping an ice cold Coors Light). He stopped shouting soon there after as he was the recipient of a intent to injure Major penalty that was the catalyst for three more Pig goals in the 3rd. Things got a little chippy down the stretch with Papi and Longshore getting the short end of a few hits. “Denny’s got to be patient” Papi told the team after the game…he goes after those guys right away…experience tells me I’ve got two or three seasons to line up the perfect hit.” Pigs went on to win this one 6-2…then the discussion turned towards Tall Gary.



Tall Gary? “Never heard of him” said Herrick after learning the forty something veteran Pig player originally committed to the game but cancelled last minute due to a nanny shortage (Tall Gary’s nanny was deported due to a visa violation). “It’s guys like Tall Gary that always make the argument for increased immigration to keep the labor supply heavy,” snorted Dino via satellite. “The middle class gets screwed...I mean I can’t afford to pay an undocumented guy $80 a month to mow my lawn let alone pay $7.25 an hour for an illegal nanny…my wife does it all.” Blue chip defenseman and Engineer Lemon offered up some additional immigration by the numbers tips and reminded everyone not to hate the immigrant but the policies and politicians that continue to allow it at rates that exceed our ability to absorb. Jeff is running the numbers now to see if Lemons calculations hold up. KRose concluded (and Gracie should take note) the discussion by letting everyone know that Oakland may be a safer place to drive than his former stopping grounds on the Islands.

March 2, 2007 Pig Spotlight: The forgotten Mac

It was only last year when former Canadian and Team Captain Kent McClure was the only "Mac" on the squad. Dating back to as early as reliable stats were kept (1998) Mac has been atop the heap (except for 1998 when the Blucher Boys owned the team):

1998: 3rd in pts (24), behind Blucher brother line mates Kid (26), and Obus (30) CHAMPIONSHIP
1999: 1st in pts (29) edging out fellow SLO boys Rosie (28) and Dino (25)
2000: No reliable records as Goalie Rich decided counting money was more important than accurate record keeping
2001: 1st in pts (30) dominating all Pigs with “54” (18), Kid (15) in tow
2002: 1st in pts (31) again with “54” (27) and Kid (16) trailing. CHAMPIONSHIP
2003: 1st in pts (22) followed by Dino (20) and Longshore (19)
2004: 1st in pts (38) lagged by Dino (26) and Gracie (18)
2005: 1st in pts (27) again trailed by Dino (18) and Minnesota Scott (15)

Things started to change in 2006 when the Pig front office signed a pair of talented "Mac’s" (Papi Mac and T-Mac) to the squad. The parallels to 1998 are too strong to dismiss.

2006: (thru game 17) 3rd in pts (20) behind McDonald father Papi (29) and son T-mac (44).

Might be too soon to tell if the this 2006 squad is ready to win it all however one thing is for sure…we have not forgotten who the original “Mac” is and where our bread is buttered. Your lovely wife and kids had this to say "We love you Mac...no matter what you are #1 in our book." The team feels the same way!

February 27, 2007: Pigs Pound Hounds; Stocks Fall on Beer Supply Warnings

The porky Pigs pickled the visiting Black Hounds to the tune of 6-2 in front of Herrick’s street clad comrade (double click the pic below and look past the Pig for the dude in the "Sox" hat). “He’z dope” was all 1st star of the game RW T-mac could muster when handed the microphone. T-mac posted his league leading 7th hat trick of the season all the while making friends with buxom British blondes in between games (see T-mac’s cell phone for details). Pipes receiving the Pig mask and 2nd star honors had this to say “Miller Light sucks” (more on this later). 3rd star accolades go to former tunnel rat line anchor, Dino, for bringing ice cold “Stella Artois” and the sweetest one-timer of the night. The win puts the Pigs tenuously in 2nd place sporting a robust 12-4-1 record and tied for the league lead in goals scored (84). While the Pig performance on the ice certainly is peaking the off ice peripherals need work. Case (or lack there of) in point are the 6 Miller Lights & 3 Coors lights brought by Fire Friendly KRose. Are you kidding me? Even worse was ex 80s porn star and this week’s beer bitch Longshore not showing up with his share of the highly coveted brews. And you thought “blue balls” was the worst thing imaginable in your teen years. Ha. Beer was on such short supply that the team had to sponsor an offsite brewery session to ensure there were enough libations for the Nation. At this session word has it Mangler was called every name known to man for missing his second straight game.


Game Highlights:
>Best back handed shot: Lemon’s dribbler that somehow find its way to T-macs stick.
>Best line change(s): Kid/Gracie setting up Lemon/Papi with a few sweet offensive zone “on the flys”
>Best goal: Dino (see above)
>Best Beer: Dino (see above)
>Best Hit: Kid vs Herrick (sorry buddy)
>Best crease clear: Rosey (that guy should complete a rape kit and submit to Oakland PD)
>Best defensive move: Lemon’s 2:1 stick check late in the 3rd
>Best defensive offensive move(s): whatever Papi does
>Best offensive defensive move: Herrick coving the point while Papi does this thing
>Worst line change: Gracie says Lemon hung him out to dry once. Lemon says he had an equip issue.
>Worst Goal: is there ever a bad goal (well yes…just ask Mangler and Herrick)
>Worst Beer: MG light (KRose)

Al-Quaida Pizza and a Hat Trick +2

Since the Kid is away on family vacation I will post. Many of you were sorely missed....Not Really! The Pigs were about to face their biggest challenge of the season vs. the formidlble might of the Valut. The Vault just coming of a tie to the last place PBR had something to prove. The Pigs on the other hand coming off an W vs. the Edge knew this was going to be a nailbiter and they didn't disappoint. RPM was called up from the Over 40 Blazers to fill a big gap on D....Nice work. He had just gotten in a contract dispute with the managing partners of the Blazers and might be a late trade edition for summer on the Pigs....Negotiations are underway. Now to the action. T Mac.....for those who were there need I say more. T lit the lamp not once, not twice but 5 times a lady my friends. Yes he saw that the D was going to struggle with a no show from Mangler and yes Frazer....Did you say Frazer? Yes I did. His status is still unknown. Last word was there was some type of squirrel incident. Anyway T knew he wasn't going to get much help from the Turtle so he took things into his own hands. He led a flurry of 5 goals tallied in the final frame. Excellent work Head Manning the Puck. Pipes as usual played out of his skull. Lem let him down a time or 2 and so did PG. Pipes showcased some Hasek skills with a double paddle save that eventually found the back of the net with the Lem saying..MY BAD! Remember it is never to late to get back. Peter made it pretty clear he was beaten by Vault star #38 when after being beaten like he has never been before turns to look and Lem and give him a OOOPPS! Had to be there. All in all a nice effort. Rosey and Longshore continued to fluster the D and Herrick...well lets just say the best end to end man since Rocket Richard. Mac finally got the monkey off his back with a huge goal to pull the Pigs within 2 on a great chip and flow feed from Lem to T Mac who handed Mac the back of the net on a platter. Dino coming off back to back hatties had a plane to catch but made damn sure he got his fill of ice. He and Mac had there pattented give and go but unfortunately less go then give when it came to goals.....Hey you weren't there so no monday morning quarterbacking. The 9 that showed up played hard and played well. Now if we can carry that spirit over and remember it is never over till it is over we will hoist the pocket calculator once more. See you all soon. Oh yeah and RPM is off the beer hook Dino with the purchase or Pizza....2 for $20 (my jaw is still recovering).

2/15/2007 Papi’s Corner

Subject: Head Manning the puck.

the

This tactic is very common when players in full flight are moving down ice with a teammate following with the puck. Head manning the puck will allow the attacking players to receive the puck in full flight, therefore putting additional pressure on the opposing team. The tactic requires the puck carrier to look up ice, find a passing lane and deliver the puck to his teammates stick. When this tactic is not carried out correctly the teammate will run out of ice, slow down or stop, therefore taking him out of the play. Crisp, flat passes are recommended.

February 13, 2007: Big Pussy Pig, Pigs Win 5-1

Those who watch the Soprano’s know what happened to “Big Pussy” when he betrayed Tony. We on the Pigs treat matters similar to how the HBO production squad does things on TV. One such Pig learned a valuable lesson over the past few weeks. His name: Mangler. His crime: Treason (fraternizing with vVault). If Jack is walking funny this morning it may be because of that faulty pair of laces that tripped him up good behind the net or perhaps it is due to a special “Valentine” the Lem threw him after the two blueliners snuck off after the Pig 5-1 victory last night.

2/7/2007: Canadian Town Stands Firm

Gracie travels to Herouxville to present the town with a “back bacon” plaque. Plaque was signed by all members of the Pig Nation in a symbolic act of support for Heoruxville’s stance on protecting their way of life.

2/5/2007: Pigs Dominate Dogs; Roadrunner Blast From the Past

Super Bowl??? We’re talking hockey as the Pigs dominated the Black Dogs Sunday night to the tune of 6-2. The team was rewarded with b&w photos of “Jesse” MacDonald from the old Calgary rodeo cerca 1979. A modern day urban cowboy!

Notables:

*T-mac scores 4 goals
*Herrick drops out of Lady Byng contention
*Tall MF Gary buys two cars
*Lemon gets into an altercation skating below the offensive circle (don’t do it bro…bad things happen down there)
*Mangler skates the pond; has beer with Sota Pop; rejects vVault offer

Blast from the Past: The Buck Years: 1996: Roadrunners and Puck Pigs Go Down To The Wire

1/31/2007: Pigs Support Small Canadian Town Policy

In a split decision Pig Elders voted 2-1 to support Herouxville's "That's Enough Already" immigration integration policy. The majority Pig opinion was sympathetic to the Quebecers loss of the Nordiques and felt they should have somthing to call their own. "For Christs sake give em' a policy or two" one Elder cried out during the heated session. One Pig elder felt killing women by stoning them in public, burning them alive, burning them with acid, etc. was ok if the woman deserved it.

1/28/2007: Piglet Power; “Gumper” dead at 77

The Pig Nation showed in force Sunday night to witness the Pigs skate to 5-5 tie against the West Coast Whalers. Down by a goal with only 1:09 left to play Coach McClure signals Pipes to come off the ice for an extra man advantage. Twenty four seconds later Rosie buries one to knot things up and that’s how we left it. “I saw my 8 year old daughter Kate signaling me to call a time out and regroup” recalled Mac after the game. “She calls the shots you know.” Later she was overheard telling her dad “…it’s time to go…I’ve got school tomorrow…I’ll be waiting in the car.” The McClure clan was seen leaving shortly thereafter.

Other notables:

*Dino records his 2nd hat trick in as many weeks
*Papi plays in a t-shirt in lieu of Jersey…get’s warning from the stripes.
*13 Piglets and tons of spousal support from the Pig Nation
*T-mac barred from Piglet photo for use of profanity
*Mrs Longshore eats the pavement and pays with an ounce of flesh
*KRose cooks Casper’s for all
*Mangler vows to use the 200% pass up the middle rule. In an act of solidarity Lemon takes the same vow. (See section 8, rule 9 in Papi's Corner link)
*Gumper dead at 77

1/23/2007: Pigs Dominate as Iran Taunts the US and Israel; Chili dogs take their toll

While Dino was busy recording a hat trick in the Pigs 7-3 win over the PBR squad, Iranian leader Ahmadinejad “assured that the United States and the Zionist regime of Israel will soon come to the end of their lives." Pig scholar and goal tender Jeff who saved 12 of 15 shots on net briefly commented “there is no way that 2nd goal was a goal and there is no way the current conflict between the Shiites and Sunnis is a Zionist/US plot to dominate the region. It’s total malarky.” Ex Canadian patriot Tall MF Gary had this to say: “F*&^ the Iranians, f*&^ the Shiites, F*&^% the Sunnis…they don’t play hockey, they don’t drink beer…they are dead to me.” There was no comment from Ahmadinejad regarding Canada’s impending Armageddon.

It’s now day 2 after Longshore’s pickup truck style chili dogs…I’m all out of clean underwear.

1/16/2007: Chickens, Prairie Dogs and Pigs

Pigs post an 8-5 win over the Praire Dogs behind 11 pts from the duo of T and P Mac. With Family night rapidly approaching (1/28) the team has requested an encore presentation of Papi’s “Chicken” story for the wives and kids. Papi to bring a live chicken for demonstration purposes.

1/11/2007: Hot Score Keeper gives Pigs a “win” despite a 4-1 loss; Canadians prefer to drink beer indoors

Was it the “Chip and Flow” or the five defensemen set that carried the Pigs to a 4-1 loss late Thursday night? “All I know is the McDonald pair kept trying to get back in the penalty box to see the scorekeeper” said Captain McClure after the game. T mac was the first to stur things up on and off the ice. After his first trip to the box he could hardly wait to get back. “She’s kinda ‘butta’ T mac explained…everything’s good but her face.” Papi really showed his prowess not only by scoring the Pigs lone goal but also by scoring huge points becoming the score keeper’s favorite. “Sweetie you need to push that button right there to start the clock” Papi explained after about 30 seconds of his penalty expired yet the darling scorekeeper forgot to run the clock. Kid and Gracie did everything possible to get her attention however after that she was smitten for Papi. Even T mac made one more attempt to secure a few more minutes of alone time with the beauty yet was tossed for fighting. When the final horn sounded the Pigs fell to the Mavericks 4-1. After reviewing the score sheet this AM it looks like Papi’s charismatic ways with the scorekeeper paid off and it appears the Pigs were recorded as the 4-1 winners. So that’s the ole “Chip & Flow”. Nice work Papi.

Beer news: Canadians prefer to drink beer indoors while American’s like the outdoors says a group of researchers in Oakland, CA. A scientific study was conducted using beer league hockey players. Conditions were set with equally attractive alcoholic beverages available both indoors and outdoors. The indoor ambient temperate was controlled to a brisk 55 degrees F while the outdoor conditions were much more harsh at about 33 degrees F. Five of Six beer drinking Americans chose the much harsher outdoor scene while three of three Canadians selected the protected indoor environment to consume their brew. Several subjects chose to opt out of this study for fear their identities would be discovered by devoted loved ones.

An unidentifed indoor beer drinking American

A few of the more rugged oudoor beer drinking types

1/2/2007 Fast Eddy “hassled” by Oakland PD; Pigs win behind strong offensive defense

A dark cloud was cast over the downtown Oakland ice scene before the game as long time Pig supporter and panhandler “Fast Eddy” was rousted by Oakland PD for allegedly selling parking spots to hockey fans trying to get in to see the Pigs game. Eddy was visibly shaken after the incident but stuck around to see the Pigs win. Ed had this to say when questioned about the incident, “Naw…you guys know I’d never do that…hey you got some money so I can get a place to stay tonight?” Since 2005 the Pigs have instituted a strict “Greenspan” policy of not encouraging Ed’s panhandling. There are early reports that this policy was violated last night. An investigation is underway and violators will be dealt with appropriately and privately.

The Pigs were able to put all this drama aside and come away with a 4-3 win over the Bulldogs. The win was fueled largely by aggressive defensive play from the Lemon/Mangler tandem (1 goal, 3 assists). The game winning goal came on a power play from the shallow point off Lemon’s stick late in the 3rd…Longshore cleaned it up nicely…photos of the ice show 5 Pigs players within 1.5 meters of the crease. “We did what we had to” said the Mangler after the game on their style of blue line play. “We got beat a bunch on defense but we stuck to the plan and edged em’ out” said the Lem who was on the ice for all 7 goals scored. “Guess that makes me +1.”

Papi's Corner: Bulldogs 3rd goal was a classic (see section 7, bullet #2). I recall the Lem and Mangler picking themselves up behind our own net after the goal.

Rob: Carne Asada taco’s were fantastic. Thank you.

12/20/2006 T-mac’s Magic Goal, Mangler forces OT, Herrick plays Hero

Forget about what really happened that night…all you need to know are the following facts:

*9 brave skaters suited up + Pipes
*T-mac scored from the top of his own circle on a 5-3 penalty kill to move the Pigs in front 2-1
*Mangler forces OT by going top shelf on Jeff giving the Black Hounds their 3rd goal late in the 3rd. Herrick glee fully cheers!
*Herrick plays hero by scoring on a t-mac rebound in OT.

A note from the Pigs “number 1*” fan below. Good luck in 2007!


*Picture from eldest McClure daughter. She has not seen a game since 2004 casting a cloud of doubt on her “#1” status. Time for daddy to bring the family out!!!!!

Pipes Jr.

Ian Alexander makes his Earth debut in net (of course):

12/12/06
8lbs
20 inches

Congrats to Jen and Amalie (and Pipes).

12/10/06: Pigs lose; Management blames the Jews.

As if the Mike Wallace interview wasn’t enough Pig management has partnered with Iran, blaming the Jews for their December 10 loss to vVault. “vVault has long time ties to Argentina, Venezuela, and Jimmy Cater said pig Captain Mac in a post game interview after the 4-2 loss. "It is clear they used their anti zionist support to gain favor with the officials" (the Pigs were victimized by 3 power play goals). With Hanukkah rapidly approaching the outlook for the Pigs does not look good. “We’ve got seven days to remain vigilant” announced an unidentified Pig elder after the game. “Our very namesake offends not only the Muslims but also the Jews.” Long time Pig "behind the scene" supporter TS (Technical Scott) is willing to put a fact finding committee together to answer the age old question: Is a Pig a really a filthy animal?

12/7/2006: Pigs d. Edge 5-3

Hip Hop Pigs bring home the bacon (really its the shoes).

11/29/2006: Pig Victory Exposes Dark Underbelly of Pig Society

It was either the cold or a chronic case of the “Papi’s” that is causing a serious case of amnesia regarding the details of last nights hockey game. What I do recall is Papi. Papi yelling (at me). Papi screaming (at me). That’s about it. I mean I’ve got the stat sheet right in front of me detailing the Pig’s 5-1 dominance over the Black Dogs yet I can’t recall a single play…well one play comes to mind but you guessed it…it featured Papi screaming at me. Regardless how bad the play was you would expect a former Junior Hockey chumpion to help out and yell after the whistle…whatever. The good news is Papi and I are now closer than ever before and I welcome the opportunity to patrol the blue line with him again. The Papi stuff aside I think the cold exposed a side of the Pigs that we all should be ashamed of. Maybe it was the case of beer and bounty of bbq products (thanks to Dino’s sweet lawn mowing wife)…maybe it was Kramer…whatever it was the Mangler was dropping racially motivated bombs…black (jersey) this and black (grill) that. I stopped counting after the 3rd Nathan’s dog. Not sure why he had to bring race into every discussion. What would the HAW say if she found out? The more I think about things it must have been the horror of finding out that one of the Pig's nephews was hospitalized. Yeah he went in with the complaint of a “sore dick.” Doc told him to ease up (or lube up) a little if you know what I mean. Ahh to be 15 again. Things are getting better however and should he be reading this blog do not let him Click Here as it is explicit and will take you to the “come to mama” area of a well know pop artist. I warned ya.

Well it is the 22nd of November and the Kid is a bit on the busy side with all the VAGINA in his house. The Lem aka Anal Bleacher will handle this one. Remember now I am not as talented as the Kid with the written word so be ready. The Pigs meet the new and improved "PBR" (Prostate Blowin Rimmer) in a rematch. The Pigs jump out early and often reaching there mark of 8 goals. Can you say Deja Vu! The PBR did however happen to find the back of the net a few times, Ok 3 times as much as they did before but hey who's counting. Lem was without his normal D partner Mangler as he was busy entertaing some bean counters from corporate. Rumor is they went for a rub and a tug in the city.....Can you say Penicillin. Well back to the action. T Mac and his line made there normal showing trying to make a pitch to get themselves new contracts as set forth by GM Mangler but the other lines anchored by Rob, Mac, Dino, Papi, and T Mother F!(*$% Gary showed that the Pigs are all about heart not Benjamins. Jeff put up huge numbers in net keeping it a landslide victory for the Balck, Red and White. Jeff was heard during the 2nd intermission as saying "if you guys don't mind would you keep em off of me after the 6th rebound. Kid and Lem did their best to comply but with a little brain fart let one guy by with not so much as a blink. Well lets keep it going on the 28th my boys and I think I will be able to pull Mangler off the H.A.W but word is she is working on a new novel titled "Secrets of the Keggles" and is still in the research mode and you all know what that means........No legs for Mangler.

11/9/06: It's the Meat (or is it?).

Allyson Rebecca joins the Pig nation.


More Swine




Vitts or Mangler?

11/8/2006: Pickled Pigs, Carl Brewer

Pigs didn’t bring their “A” Tuesday night as the Prairie Dogs feasted on bacon sandwiches all night to the taste of a 6-3 win. 40+ year old sub Diamond Dave Roth and his bloodied “beak” wasn’t enough to keep the Pigs out of trouble. “I could smell the booze on him in the locker room before we suited up…he was hammered” said 1st line Defenseman Lemon. Double D’s vision was good enough to one time a perfect Mac (originally thought to be Papi however Papi was too busy checking Kids stick for wear and tear) pass to give the Pigs their first goal. Pitt’s schizophrenia surfaced briefly late in the first period as he was observed yelling at himself…the outburst will likely cost him the Lady Byng this year. If you look close at the picture you might be able to see Pitt’s alter ego…the feared no fat, chicken turkey hot dog smoking Puck Pig. Suuuwei!!!



The most important part of the night however was after the game when Papi took the Kid aside in a moment that would have made Ex-Pig Captain/coach Greenspan smile. You see the Kid missed a few passes, got burned a couple times, and even goalie Jeff politely said “let’s not let that happen again.” Papi sat the Kid down saying “You know who Carl Brewer is?” Well here is Carl’s story:

Carl Brewer was an integral part of the Tronoto Leaf’s 1962, 1963, 1964 Stanely Cup Championship teams. He was always different, known for cutting the palms of his gloves out so he could hold his stick shaft with his bare hands. In 1963 he hired agent Alan Eagleson who would prove to be Brewer’s nemesis. The Eagle soon became the top agent in the game and became the head of the NHL players association. Carl stopped playing in 1980. Soon after retirement he came to realize the Eagleson betrayed not only his trust but also the trust of every player in the NHL with regard player pensions. Brewer’s quest for Justice against Eagleson came to a head in 1991 when Brewer filed a lawsuit against the NHL to recover missing pension money and in 1994 the courts sided with Carl. In 1998 Eagleson was fined and sent to prison. “I just want to thank God for the United States of America because none of this would have occurred in Canada” he said after the verdict. This was Carl’s finest moment. None of this has anything to do with Papi’s sit down. You see Papi asked the Kid to bring his stick over. Looking at the wear pattern he said “you see the stick is worn here at the heal…you need a lower lie (angle between the blade and the shaft)…like Carl Brewer.” You see our hero Carl was known for skating low to the ice and carrying the puck out in front. Lies normally range from 4 to 8 yet Carl needed a 3. “Kid you need a 3.”

There you have it. Next game: Thursday, November 16, @ 10:15 against PBR.

Light saber's were last years must have toy. This year it's something for the girls!

Pole

Save the Cheerleader...save the World

An encrypted message to the Pig Elders. Mac to reply with Answer.

Click here for message

10/24/2006: 2006-7 Season Opener “More Cowbell”

Pigs opened the 2006-7 Winter season against Pabst Blue Ribbon. Naw this team was not coached or managed by Frank Booth (the manic Dennis Hopper from “Blue Velvet”) nor did the squad go Turrets on us with cute quotes from the movie “"Heineken? Fuck that shit! … PABST BLUE RIBBON!!!" They did have PBR jerseys however I don’t think they were a sponsored club. Anyway…PBR stunned the Oakland hockey world by scoring :37 into the 1st period. This was about all they did. ...

(Kids mind starts to wander...Must have been because the ice was not that cold. Everyone knows that PBR must be cold, icy cold in fact. As it worms, PBR molecules tend to bond with ambient urine molecules in the atmosphere, making it taste like Brooklyn Pilsner. There is a certain retro coolness to be found in standing behind the Red, White, and Blue of PBR. Really though…who if anyone still drinks PBR these days?” Who even knows where to find it? Maybe in one of the beer stores that Vitts talks about up in Canada? Imagine how cool you’ll be, and how much money you could save for that dream grill you've longed for, as you suck down a few cans after the game. Other teams will gawk with envy as they sip on their warm, flat, Coors Lights. Wait the Pigs like Coors Light and we have a kick ass grill. Kid snaps out of it).

...The next 44+ minutes were all about the Turtle and his trusty cowbell. It was really like the poor fella had a fever and the only prescription was more cowbell.

click here for more cowbell

Nobody knows this better than Papi who racked up 11 PIMs (all in the offensive zone I might add…no wait that is not true...he broke #21 PBRs stick at center ice...also the score sheet shows an additional game misconduct recorded after the game ended????). Cowbell aside the Pigs went on to dominate, scoring 8 unanswerd goals to win the opener 8-1. Usual suspects of TMac & Mac doing most of the damage (Vitts decided to damage his goin). Even hero firefighter Lemon was able to make the 3rd period after hanging with his Contra Costa fire team on the NHL side. Thanks Lem!

Quote of the night: "Lets just say it ain't gonna get any better" - Papi to Vitts when asked if nagging from girls abates post marrage.

Pig Nations Grows

Latest Member: Caeden Longshore
Member Since: 10/13/2006
Weight: 7 lbs, 15 oz
Lenght: 20.5 in
Position: Center

Congrats to the Longshore family!!!

ABP: Stinky Smelly Hockey Bag

From our PPG leader Pittsberg Justin. Perhaps in the future you could contract with Vitts to keep a close eye on your goods. I hear he is quite good with a gun.

E-mail from Pitt (10/16/06)

So a couple of nights ago I decided it was probably time to get my hockey bag out of the trunk of my car as it had been left in there since our last game. It was a little confusing at first when I didn't see the bag in my trunk. But after 5 minutes of incredulous denial I let myself believe that some fuck broke into my car, found nothing of value in the glove compartment, pulled the trunk latch, and hauled my sweaty hockey gear away with him. Alright, so i'm being discriminating: It could have been a girl. Anyway, I think i'm going to host one of those 'end-of-an-eighties-movie' community dance offs to raise money so I can buy new equipment, but until I get the proper city permits in place, I might be out of commission for a while. All of this was typed on my treo, so apologies for any spelling errors.
later,
Justin

Friday Quiz. Name this Pig!

A few notes and messages from the squad:

A message from Tall Gary's former Youth Hockey Coach, Jules Winnfield. "Just cause you look like the Gimp don't mean you have to play like the Gimp." Enjoy the video.

Winter Season Creed (thank you Lemon):

I,________, promise never to be outhustled. I will play both ends of the ice, fight for every loose puck. I will sacrifice my body for my team. I will always choose grit over flash, substance over style. I will work, and sweat, and suffer, so that-come game time-my team can shine. I am a PUCK PIG hockey player!

Pig Addendums (thank you Longshore):

If I am the puppet - I will not forget to bring the meat.

If I am the bitch - I will not forget to bring the beer.

And the Herrick clause:
I will not shoot on my own goalie.

And the Lemon clause (Kid edit from Longshore's original):
I will make a break-out pass up the middle of the ice (as that is were the forward should be).
I will not pass to an opposing high slot player (Lemon Drop).

And the Dino clause:
I will choose hockey over Oprah.

As well as the Mac clause:
I will choose hockey over Fleetwood Mac.

And the Frasier clause:
I will stay off my damn motorcycle.

And the Mangler clause:
I will choose hockey over the HAW.

Finally the Longshore clause:
I will not take offensive zone penalties
I will not pick on guys bigger than me.
I will get a tatoo on my ass that says "it's never to late to get back on defense."

Click below for the Original Star Wars Kid (watch em all they are very funny). Vitts: this you back in High School?

The Original Star Wars Kid


Lemon: A challenge to you and your brother to try and top Mac.


Note: Kid has edited Mac's orignal post to add bells, whistles, Vitts, and Lemon. Mac...apologies for not adding the history to my post below. I figured everyone knew about the Original Star Wars kid. I will do more research to confirm my hypothesis that the Orignal Star Wars kid is in fact the Pigs very own Slap Shot Rob.
_______

10/6/06: Mac's Pig parody of the original Star Wars Kid

Click Here for important Pig communication from Mac

Terrapin Trumps Swine: Prairie Dogs Advance to the Finals

10/4/2006 (Oakland, CA) The 2006 Pig Summer season came to a screeching halt last night after a heartbreaking shootout loss to the Prairie Dogs. “If only Dale were here” Rosie mused before the game upon seeing that the inept and consistently horrendous referee known simply as the ‘turtle’ was in line to call the semi final game between the Pigs and the Dogs (Long time Pig fans remember Dale’s “in the crease” call against Reno’s finest Greg Marsella to end the Pigs 2002 season). After the Pigs took an early 1-0 lead the Dogs responded with authority scoring 4 1st period goals. A fired up Pig squad went on a 20 shot, 3 goal 2nd period rampage to knot things up @ 4 through two. Dogs opened the 3rd with a fancy: 07 goal to take a 5-4 lead. With time running out Team Captain Mac rallied the troops with a TO. “OK let’s get an all-star line on the ice…and Kid you can stay out there as well (thanks Mac).” The all-stars + Kid did as they were instructed and apparently scored the game tying goal with about 5 minutes to play. The team celebration abruptly ended about 20 seconds after it started with the ‘Turtle” calling for a faceoff in the zone…a classic Turtle call). “The Kids shot rested at least a foot over the goal line” LW standout Pittsburg Justin who had a birds eye view from the left goal post recalled after the game. Regardless the Pigs rallied once again with a fantastic game tying T-Mac goal with about 3 minutes on the clock. Even better Longshore buried the go ahead goal with the clock winding down. The Dogs forced OT with a timely 14:15 high slot turkey shoot shot. I should mention that the Mangler was asked to leave the ice for exceeding the allotted number of penalties and for not bringing his HAW to the game. The overtime period featured 5:00 of play from 1979 Canadian Junior hockey standout Papi who momentarily forgot how to change lines. No score in the OT period forcing a shootout.

Shootout summary

Dogs#74…stoned by Jeff.
Mac…stoned by Dogs net minder.
Dogs#5…goal.
Pitt…stoned by Dogs net minder.
Dogs#20…stoned by Jeff (and his pile of snow in the slot trick)
Vitts…stoned by Dogs net minder.

Pigs hit the showers.

Pig Nation post game highlighted by Lemon’s fantastic 5 star BBQ Tri-Tip sambo’s, salad, and more. Thank you Lemon.

Click here for final Playoff Stats

2006 Awards

Jack Adams: best coach. Winner: David Greenspan This is David's second ‘straight’ Adams award since leaving the team in 2005.

Georges Vezina: best goalie. Winner: Jeff. Jeff outperformed the subs and his peers this season with a career best 90.4 save percentage and 11 wins. Nice work Pipes.

Heart: team MVP. Winner: T-Mac Mac graciously gives last years award to the new Mac…TMac is the man. Nobody can be sure exactly how many of the 19 goals and 11 assists belong Papi however we can all agree it was less than 2.

Bill Masterton Memorial: the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey. Winner: Dino. Second straight for Dino. The guy never gives up (except in the playoffs when Oprah takes priority).

Lester B. Pearson: most outstanding player. Winner: Pittsburg Justin . Justin got edged out last year however this season Justin’s 2.0 PPG makes him a must play every week. He has been signed to a long term contract that includes Asian incentives.

Calder: Most proficient in 1st year on the Pigs. Winner: Vitts. The guys a ‘nut’ but brings the thunder. Welcome to the squad Vitts.

Da Byng: Gentleman. Winner: JustinNice work.

Maurice Richard. Top Goal scorer. Winner: T-Mac (17 ish)

Selke: Forward who best excels in the defensive aspects of the game. Winner: Herrick. Every skater on the ice should say to themselves "it's never to late to get back on D".

King Clancy: Player who best exemplifies leadership qualities on and off the ice and has made noteworthy humanitarian contributions. Winner: Mangler top notch recruiting Jackie!

Norris: Defensive player who demonstrates the greatest all-around ability. Winner: Gracie is the clear winner with 1 G, 9 A, and 18 PIMs.

Ross: Pts leader. Winner: T-Mac (25 ish)

Conn Smythe: MVP of the playoffs...Winner: T-mac. Too bad we missed the opportunity to give the rookie a Mohawk!

Great Season Pigs….see you all for Winter 2006-7.

Pigs Advance to Semis; Vitts completes Sexual Harassment Training; Oprah looms large

Twenty seven seconds is all it took for Line 1 (T-mac, Dennis, Pitt) and the Pigs to wrap this one up with a pair of goals on their 1st shift. When the final horn sounded the scoreboard showed 5-1 and the Pigs advance to the semi’s Tuesday night @ 8:45.

It was clear that something was different about Slap Shot Rob (Vitts) as his style of play seemed somewhat emasculated. It wasn’t until after the game he confessed to having successfully completed sexual harassment training last week after the scandalous Mr. Peanut incident. Pig Management is discussing putting all players through this course after Mangler’s salacious hit from behind against an unsuspecting Greyhound. Numerous studies have concluded that folks perceive these types of hits to be gay whether or not the actual hit had any homosexual intent. Perception is everything and Pig Management is concerned.

Finally to reach out to our female Pig nation members Dino has taken it upon himself to partner with Oprah. Each week Dino will bring the Nation an Oprah reading assignment and host a book club discussion. Dino will not be at Tuesday's game as he is personally meeting with Oprah to discuss next weeks book.

Click Here for Stats through round 2!!!

A look back at 1998-99 Championship season. Who remembers the magical #1 line of Obus, Kid, Mac (39 G, 41 A, 44 PIMs)? The number 2 line anchored by Rosie and Dino (and Marks) were no slouches either (29 G, 30 A, 26 PIMs). Shout outs to the D (Fraser, Lemon, Gordie, Marsella, & Merrill) for putting up with Aprilie's shit in the net. Back then Longshore anchored the "checking" line...how times have changed.

I'm telling you 2006 is Longshore's year!!!

A taste of Glory past to help guide us on Sunday.

9/25/2006: Pigs Advance in Round 1; Vitts gets hit

No it wasn't the Hanson brothers from Slap Shot but it was Pigs playoff Hockey. A fired up Pigs squad sodomized (this was Mangler’s choice of words not mine) the visiting Black Dogs 10-2 Sunday night to advance to the second round. Outside of the lopsided score, things were low key until 10:37 into the 3rd period when Black Ice #27 took a two handed tomahawk stick chop to the back of newly dubbed “butter balls” Vits’ head. “I told him to hit me however I was expecting him to drop the gloves." Vitts seemed fine after the game and cheerfully told the squad tales from last weekends bachelor party complete with guys jumping off 2nd story balconies, taking local strippers to the wedding as dates, and defacating in his buddies hotel bed as a prank. While none of that came off as looney the following picture surfaced earlier this morning.

Click Me!!!

Not wanting to jeopardize round two the team Elders briefly met this morning and decided to have Vitts committed. He is expected to make a full recovery and start Sunday night.

9/19/2006: Regular Season Ends; Fraser in Drag

What you need to know:

Pigs clubhouse a 13-4 record and enter the playoffs as the #2 team. With Fraser out of the game and recuperating from a severe RPG recoil head injury he received last week at the hands of the Al Quida taliban tribesmen in Afghanistan, Rookie T-Mac got the starting call at RW. This was just his 3rd start since turning 21 and the rookie took advantage of the ice time scoring a pair of goals including a bitch slap tally with: 11 seconds to play. “I’ve carried a lot of clipboards for some great forwards awaiting my chance to start, but Fraser is my hero…looks at that ass!” As a starter before this game he had recorded 12 goals and 5 assists.

The Pig’s defensive game appears to be on track heading into the playoffs. Jeff was his usual dominating self between the pipes, plucking pucks from an aggressive Black Ice squad finishing with 27 saves and recording his 11th win.

What you ought to know:

Longshore: 15 GP, 19 G, 11 A, 30 Pts, 8 PIMs: Damn…who is this guy? Longshore hasn’t been this productive since the 1984 air guitar championship where his Eddie Van Halen “Panama” routine was good enough for 2nd place. Well done.

Pittsberg Justin: 9 GP, 11 G, 7 A, 18 Pts, 0 PIMs: Forget the Byng this guy is hands down a PPG monster (2.00). If we could just get him to show up more often and bring beer once in while our GM may hook him up with a HAG.

Pipes: 15 GP, .904 SV%, 2.53 GAA, 11 W, 1 SHO: All career bests. In his spare time he clandestinely rallied against Ahmadinejad in NYC after the game. In short a modern Resonance man.

Sept 13, 2006

The Pigs win their 4th in a row while Harvard sat silent as Khatami defended the execution of homosexuals (Mangler: at this time the Metrosexual lifestyle is not subject to these harsh penalties). "A win is a win yet I can't beleive we pander to Iran and their 7th century approach to life" a passionate and alarmed Team Captain Mac commented after the game. "I care about the gays for sure but what about the Jews...President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has gone on record denying the Holocaust and calling for the extermination of all Jews" piped in Goalie Jeff. "We care about ex-coach Greenspan's safety" he continued. "Uhh he's not Jewish dude but he is a lawyer" one unidentified Pig corrected. "We play for Human Rights from here on out...we play for the women, the children, metrosexuals, and all the oppressed...especially oppressed Hot Asian women" elder Mangler concluded.

Good win and good post game discussion boys!

Labor Day (Sept 1, 2006)

Labor Day came early this year as the Pigs were only able to start the game fielding 6 skaters against the Edge last night in Oakland. In the locker room moments before the game Mac uttered “WWGD?” (what would Greenie do?). Herrick reflecting fondly on short handed games past quickly responded with “why a 1-4” formation. “Where the f*&% is Tall Mother F%&%ing Gary, Peter, & Pittsberg?” snorted the Kid. Mangler reports in that Peter called an hour ago with his regrets, no word from the rest. “Well Dino will be here shortly so we should have 7, Mangler…Lemon….you fellas will be manning the blue line ‘iron man’ style until reinforcements arrive…fuck Greenie” General Mac called out. This left the Kid, Longshore, Herrick and Mac to produce up front. Mac figured with Jeff manning the Pipes all would be well. And all was well. Pigs came out strong exiting the 1st period up 2-0 thanks to gritty goals from Mac and Longshore. With the arrival of Dino, the Kid slots back to Defense to help out the Jack, Lemon, and Pipes. After 2 periods Pigs lead it 4-2 thanks to a solid passing and opportunity game. In the third a sweet pass from Lemon to Longshore made it 5-2 and the Mangler “knuckled” one to close things out for a 6-3 final. Yes Labor day came early this year. To all the Pigs who didn’t show up last night have a great Labor Day weekend. To the brave 8 who did this Buds for you! See you all on 9/12.

8/21: Oakland Open Door Policy

Pigs looked strong with an overwhelming 7-2 win last night over long time foe Black Ice. “My first shift was a blur” extolled 1st line centermen Longshore after he scored two goals in the opening 33 seconds of play. “I haven’t scored that many times in under a minute since my Junior year in High School over in Waupaca” he boasted and then blushed. Right wing Tmac matched Longshore goal for goal over the course of the game each netting 3. “It’s nice to see the older guys starting to contribute” stammered 21 year old Tmac with a beer in his mit. In other news Pig rookie Roller Pants (Red Carpet) Mike left the locker room door unlocked with hundreds of Pig dollars, watches, keys, electronics, etc available for the taking. “I closed the door.” He is still on probation.

8/13/2006: Mangler No, Tall Gary Yes

Sunday's no show list included GM, and lead metrosexual, Mangler however Tall Gary was there. Not that this made any difference as the youth movement within the Pig ranks is keeping the team in 1st Place through week 13 at 9-4. New recruit SLR (Slap Shot Rob) has revamped an aging blue line squad and added about 40-50 mph on the aggregate shot from the point. As we moorn the loss of Minnesota Scott the addition of SLR has made the transition much easier. Things got a little scary in the 1st period when goaltender Jeff complained of blood loss. Nothing a tenus shot, 7 stitches and a few hours in an ER waiting room couldn't fix. Pigs won 8-2 in front of a sellout Family Night crowd. See you all next week.

7/23/06: One Hot Summer Night

If 111 degrees wasn't hot enough for the Pigs, Mangler's wife sure was as she single handily rallied the Pigs to a 4-3 OT win over the Mavericks. Making her first (and probably last) appearence in the statnds, Mrs. Mangler proved to be the catalyst for victory as she screamed "I love Minnesota" at the start of OT. Newlywed Minnesota Scott answered the call pocketing the puck about with about 2 minutes to play in the extra time. "I just met her...she seems very nice" SotaPop Scott said to reporters after the game when questioned about his relationship with Mrs. Mangler. Sota's wife took it in stride saying "it's really no big deal...Minnesota is a nice place to live."

In other news Locker Room Key Manger Tyler learned the hard way what a "dry whirly" is as Mac buried his head into an equipment bag full of freshly soiled hockey equipment. This was the only action Mac saw all night.

Family night was a huge success! Thanks to all Family and Friends of the growing Pig Nation. I'm signing Mrs. Mangler up for cocktails at the next Family friendly time slot. She will be making Cosmo’s for all card carrying Pig Nation members.

July 2, 2006: Dog Days of Summer

Pigs crated the Praire Dogs 6-4 behind 44 shots on net. Props to Dino for the "hat". Sota had a hand in a few goals and even Stone Legs OBUS burried a goal while visiting from the land of Chocolate, Knives and Watches.

7/2 HAW Update: no show but the Catsup was spicy.


The new and improved MVP hat with ex Pig great Greenie's likeness



July 9, 2006: Box Score

A total of 23 penalties (46 minutes) in this bout between the #1 vVault and the #2 Pigs. Pigs ended up losing this one 6-4. Father/Son moment of the game had Tori and his proud Papa Jack along side with Dino and son Tyler all speding time in the Penatly Box. Ahhh.

7/9 HAW Update: no show..no Catsup.


Gracie sports the MVP hat

July 16, 2006: USMC Rules!

Pigs edge out the Bulldogs 5-4 behind stellar center play from Longshore and Herrick. Ex USMC Fraser giving up about 125 lbs goes "toe to toe" with the Golaith Bulldog Defensman. Nice work.

7/16 HAW Update: no show but Spicy Catsup, Mustard, and Hot linx!!!!!


Tory Donning the Priced Helmut for MVP

Note: HAW = Hot Asian Wife

6/30/06 Da Bing and the number 3 (Dedicated to Mangler, his wife and his faithful staff)

Lets catch up on the last two games:

6/22 vs Grey Hounds

Pigs out duel the defending champs by a score of 2-1. It only took the greyhounds :24 seconds to score however over the course of the game the Hounds racked up a mind boggling 13 penalties and found themselves short handed much of the game. A few timely goals from the tori and jack jr (not to be confused with Jack Sr) and the Pigs came out on top 2-1. No Three's here.

6/27 vs United Jets

Pigs dominate out shooting the Jets 45 -13. Final tally was an 8-2 victory. GM Jack 'Mangler' Mangan's free agent acquisitions proving too powerful even for a squad of former United Airline pilots. Teri, Jack Jr, Pitty accounting for 6 of the 8 goals...even Jack Sr found the back of the net late in the 1st period. Pigs had displayed some sloppy bench work and need to work out a few personel issues. GM Jack Sr. will have a soprano's style sit down with select players to discuss. Should note while Mangler and Lemon were racking up all the "offense" on defense the tandem of Tall MF Gary/Kid quietly posted a fat zero goals against. Pigs improve overall to 4-2. Again no Three's here.

The Sit Down (at the Bing)

To all Jack's staff I'm sure they have had this experience. While he is Irish and not Italian I recommend never taking him up on an offer to go for a boat ride (remember what happened to "big pussy" in the 4th season of Soprano's). Jack please let us know how the "sit down" went and if you have resolved all the personnel issues. No three's here either.

Three's:
I heard on Emeril Live last night that Asians consider the number 3 lucky (source: Yan Can Cook). Mangler: need you to consult the Oracle...your sweet wife. Better yet bring her to the game on Sunday!

6/15/06

There a few things out of place last Thursday night when the Pigs fell to vVault 4-2:

1) New Referee (black guy...not getting all racial here...just identifying). Dino...any comments on his officiating?

2) Captain Mac not at the game. Instead he was home icing his balls due to a recent Vasectomy.

3) Fast Eddy's been replaced with a more environmentally friendly and courteous gentleman named "Inspiration" Mike. We gotta get this guy working our bench.

4) Jimmy's seems to be loosing Thursday night business to the nightclub down the street. If Oakland PD didn't roll the Pigs and the team drinking beers next to us would have been outnumbered by natives 3-1. Normally this would not be an issue however Fraser was not in the house.

6.6.06 Best Week Ever

We knew the week of 6.6.06 was going to be interesting however we had no idea it would turn out to be the BEST WEEK EVER. Before the game we were all pumped cause our Canadian brothers nabbed those 17 terrorists on 6.05.06. You see we have a significant number of Canadians on our roster so management has to pretend to get excited when the royal mounted police bag a few bad guys. To the US it's simple...racially profile and call it day...Canadians see things differntly and wait for the fuckers to almost blow something up before stepping in. Whatever...good score...yeah Canada. So 6.6.06 the Pigs are matched up against the Edge...good, tough, physical team we've been playing against for almost 8 years now. Not to understate the achievements of the Canadian government but Pig GM and Grillmeister Manager made a score of his own by signing a strong 21 year old LW named Tori (he's Canadian) to a one game contract. Five mintues into the first period Tori finds the back of the net in front of a capacity crowd of 1 (Tori's 38 year old dad). The rest of the game belonged to Mangler's award winning Craig's List acquisitions from 2005, Sodapop and Pit. Did I mention that Jeff stopped all 22 shots he faced? Well he did but there will be an asterisk by the game cause he did sacrifice a chicken and was overheard chanting satanic verses prior to the game. Pigs win 4-0 despite missing the presence of long time Pig and Minunte Man, Fraser. Where was he? Shit...only bagging one of the most wanted shits heads of our time...that's right...Fraser was remote and on the ground guiding the boms to Zarqaui's hide-out. Like I said Best Week Ever!

Notes:

>Fast Eddy "snubbed" for the 1st time in the Post Greenspan era

>The "Summer of Gracie" continues as he racked up another 2 pts leading all Defensmen through game 3 with 5 points.

5/28/2006: Black Ice, Blood, Firemen, and the guy in the Red Sweater.

Family night started like any other with the stands packed with the Pig faithful cheering on the team against the Black Ice. Pigs drew first blood with Herrick's masterful goal at 13:41. About 3 minutes later the whistle blows as Tall Gary appears slumped over in the far corner...well a pictures worth a thousand words (love the smile).



By the time Oakland fire arrived on the bloody scene the Pigs fireman squad of Lemon, Herrick, and Doyle had assessed the scene, controlled the crowd, and most importantly stablized the patient. For me this was just enough informantion to answer the age old question: "how many fireman should you roster on your ice hockey team"...the answer is 3 (one to supervise, one to prop the leg, and one to control the flow of blood). Good work boys.

While they were scraping TG off the ice, the Kid notices a new member of the Black Ice. The new guy appears to be regular referee in our league sporting a red jersey. Kids all "what the $#@$". The ref says: don't worry he's not that good". Second period Pigs take a 2-0 lead off a Soda-Pop gimme goal. In third period action Pigs dominate yet give up 3 goals with the final goal coming fromt the guy in the red sweater with 4 minutes to play. Pigs lose 3-2.

Good time had by all at Family night. The ride home was nothing but "why was Tall Gary's blood on the ice?", "how come he didn't cry?", etc. Thanks TG! Good times...

Congrats to Minnesota Scott who got married last Wednesday.

May 23, 2006 (Oakland, CA)

Pigs opened up the 2006 season with a 6-2 win over the Black Dogs. Known as the best position player on the pigs since Koz, Kid got things rolling with a timely position driven turnover and breakout pass to Pittsberg who did all the hard work scoring the 1st goal of the summer session. The rest of the game was academic with guys like Gracie, SodaPop, Dino, Longshore, Mike and Mac posting the balance. More impressive than Goalie Jeff's 1st assist in 6 seasons was Longshore's roof job one timer. "That's exactly how I got my wife pregnant" exlaimed a pumped Longshore after the goal marking his first point in almost 9 months.

Family Night Travel Advisory for Sunday May, 28: A death gesture was given to Captain McClure on 5/23 by a local Oakland native in the Ice Center parking lot al la Harry Conick Jr's character in the 1995 classic "Copycat." Mac crapped his pants but cleaned up nicely after the game.

Pigs Start Season with a bye!!!!

With the warm weather upon us the Puck Pigs anxiously awaited the start of a new summer season. Unfortunately they would be forced to watch hockey instead of play it with the unfortunate double whammy schedule hang up. See email below for the low down.

The delay did not go unpunished. Thanks to Dino's Mom who was furious upon learning that a beer league hockey game was canceled due to something as trivial as Mother's Day. The following footage was caught on tape as Dino's Mom and sister confronted Emery's Mom at the OIC rink.

Let's just say it runs in the family. Way to go Mama Dino!



________

From: Steve [mailto:steve@3rdbase.com]
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2006 10:18 PM
To: Emery Lykins
Subject: RE: Schedule

Puck Pigs had the bye in wk 1 and a sunday game in wk 2, which was bumped (5/14 is an off day for Mothers Day) . Bad luck there

-Steve Paltiel

steve@3rdbase.com

---

From: Emery Lykins [mailto:emeryl@oaklandice.com]
Sent: Sun 5/7/2006 2:04 PM
To: Steve
Cc: 'Kent McClure'
Subject: Schedule

Steve,

I’m just wondering why the Puck Pigs in Silver A do not have a game until the 23^rd? Most teams have 2 or 3 games in by that time…..

emery

"business in the front, party in the back."



Kid you will be on this list soon enough!!!

4/3/06: Pigs lost in the Fog

Dreams of the Cup, banners, and mullets ended abruptly Sunday night as the Fog shellacked the Pigs 6-1 in the 1st round of the 2005-2006 playoffs. Outshot 41 to 26 the Pigs played most of the game in their own end. "I felt like a zombie" stammered Sodapop Scott who spent more time shooting a low budget horror film than shooting the puck on Sunday. Not all was lost on the night as the team posed for on ice pictures after the game for the hungry Pig fans (Tall MF Gary's Dad). The night was capped off with a David Gwortzman sighting. "Gwortzky" was best known as the underapprecitated #4 man on the famous "tunnel rat" line of 1998.

Con Smyth Winner: Goaltender and part time Bavarian Jeff for out of skull play. One of his finest.

See you all in the summer!

kid

3/30/06: And so it begins...

Pigs (10-8-2) end up as a #5 seed in a field of 11 teams. 1st Round starts on Sunday (4/2). We are matched up against the #8 Fog (9-10-1). We were 0-2 against these fuckers in the regular season. As such Mac wanted me to mention that there will be no sex allowed within 48 hours of the game. He says we need our legs. Apparently this rule will be no problem for Dino. Game starts at 9:45. See you there.

kid

3/24/06: Pigs Close Down the 2005-06 Regular Season with a 4-3 win over the Edge

The Pigs of Oakland took one step closer to the cup late Thursday night with a huge short bench win over the hated Edge. Down 0-2 early the Pigs rallied behind 3 Mac goals to eventually put this one away 4-3 (Herrick's goal was pretty nice and I do have to give a shout out to Minnesota Scott's world class screen on Mac's #3). For the season the Pigs end up 10-8-2 and likely locking up the #6 seed entering the playoffs.

Fast Eddy Update: He did not get any pussy last week however still has a hard on from the Viagra Mangler provided.

2005-2006 Awards

Each year, writers and the Pig Players Association recognizes the players. Here are the 2005-2006 results:

Jack Adams: This award is for the best coach. Winner: David Greenspan for his "brokback" style and contribution during the 2005 part of the season. This is David's first Adams award after coaching the team for 7 years.

Georges Vezina: This award is for the best goalie. Winner: Jeff. With only an 88% save percentage Jeff wins cause he's our only goaltender...and for taking time off to drink beers in Bavaria at the tail end of the season.

Heart: This award is for the team MVP. Winner: Mac not only for leading the team in goals (12), assists (15), and pts (27) but for a constant supply of internet porn. Thanks Mac. You are a man of the people!

Bill Masterton Memorial: This award is given to the player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey. Winner: Dino. The guy never gives up (except last night after Mac's third goal Dino gave up hope for regaining the pig season scoring title).

Lester B. Pearson: This award is for the most outstanding player. Winner: The early nod was for Pittsburg Justin however with only 8 games played his 1.5 PPG isn't representative. As such, this years Pearson goes to Mike, the Czech boys, Marsella, Mo, Obus, and all the other subs we had throughout the year.

Calder: Most proficient in 1st year on the Pigs. Winner: Minnesota Scott. Sota had a breakout year bringing tons of goals(9), PIMs(16), assists(6), fans(25), beers(36), and cheers(16dB).

Da Byng: Gentleman. Winner: Lemon who finished with zero PIMs and spat up blood. Nice work.

Maurice Richard. Top Goal scorer. Winner: Mac (12)

Selke: Forward who best excels in the defensive aspects of the game. Winner: Herrick. Thanks for skating back. "it's never to late to get back on D".

King Clancy: Player who best exempifies leadership qualities on and off the ice and has made noteworthy humanitarian contributions. Winner: Mangler for taking care of the grill, the team, and giving fast eddy viagra and beer. Interestingly enough Mangler finished atop the heap in PIMs (34).

Norris: Defensive player who demonstrates the greatest all-around ability. Winner: Gracie is the clear winner despite his line mate(Kid) getting the glory leading all defensemen with 6 goals and a +25, game film revealed it was Gracie's greatness that set it all up.

Ross: Pts leader. Winner: Fucking Mac (27)

Conn Smythe: MVP of the playoffs...Winner: Who's gonna step up????

3/19: Pigs Tie 1-1, Fast Eddy Scores, and the Goiter Returns

Pigs peppered the Bulldogs with 56 shots on net (probably an additional 56 shots near net) yet only come away with 1 goal and a tie. "Check out my leg...the Goiters back" mired Rosie after the game in reference to the puck sized growth on his ankle. We've never been better positioned for the playoff run. Greenie...do you have any pointers for Rosie on how to get the Goiter to perform on the ice?

After the game Fast Eddy scored more than just the usual few bucks from the Pig players. Tonight he scored a few wine coolers and planned to parlay them into more than just the usual. "You got another one of these? I need these to get some pussy." "Anyone got viagra...at 53 I need some help!". Well from the look on Eddy's face I think he scored. Mangler...get this man some equipment...we could use him on the ice!


Fast Eddie gets a pair of adult beverages and a Viagra!!! The result???

Aprile the Goalie found in Romania!!!

In a desperate effort to find a goalie for Sunday's Pigs game an all points bulletin was put out to search for a steady net minder. Ultimately Lemon's friend was found and was able to tend net admirably.

However in a more bizarre and shocking result, the long lost goaltender Richard Aprile was found playing his usual style in Romania. Despite rumors that Aprile had retired to Tahoe thanks to the Dot Com boom, he in fact is still racking up penalty minutes and using his goal stick like a weapon abroad.

Let’s hope he still attends his anger management classes.

Enjoy!!

Mac.

Ps. If you watch closely about half way through the video I'll swear you see Greenie in a white lab coat trying to calm everyone down.

3/12: Eight wasn't Enough as the Jets routed the Pigs 7-1

Talk of Flo-bies and Mullets wasn't enough to motivate the Pigs to their 10th win of the season as only 8 Pigs showed up to take on the United Jets. "Won't be at the game tonight...good luck guys" was all Herrick, a designated beer bitch for the 3/12 game, could muster via e-mail just hours before the game. Fucker. Anyway here's the Eight Insn't Enough Cast from last night's game:

>Mary - Mangler. This bitch was tough as nails on the show and probably best aligns with Mangler's "senior" status
.

>David - Lemon. I think there was an episode where David, despite his macho exterier, got hurt and spat up some blood.


>Joanie - Rosie. Always coming up with brilliant ideas like "let's give Kid a mullet."


>Nancy - Kid. Kinda clumsy on the ice but hot w/ tons of flowing blonde hair!


>Elizabeth - Fraser. Elizabeth like Fraser was into strange hats with "Greenie" likenesses (not shown here).


>Suzen - Dino. She married Merle the Pearl...Merle and Dino are two peas in a a pod


>Tommy - Minnesota. Fiesty...always mixing it up with the authorities.


>Nicholas - Mac. Doppelgangers.

United Jets on Deck for Sunday 3/12

Test your on ice skills by playing this off ice game called Brad. A guarenteed Hat Trick to those scoring more than 18,444 pts. Good luck. Post your scores in the comments section.

Kid

3/6/06: Grateful Dead, Gay Cowboys, Tall Gary, and less...

Behind 53 shots on net the Pigs were able to pick up a 7-3 victory over the visiting Bulldogs last night in Oakland. The Pigs scoring was lead by Minnesota Scott who said in retrospect of his first Pig hat trick "all I really wanted was that 'Steal Your Puck' t-shirt." The Pig opponents really didn't put up much resistance to the Shock & Awe tactics employed by Pig Captain Mac who chipped in a pair of red lights. "I really wanted Brokeback Mountain to win" whimpered Bulldog captain #75, the 265 pounder whoes playing style has been paralleled with that of a beached whale (for more information on why some whales beach themselves see Darwin). It was that kind of night...the kind of night where Oscar snubbed the homosexual goliath in favor of hate, the kind of night where Tall Gary showed up, the kind of night where Dino forgot the meat, the kind of night where Fraser forgot the beer, the kind of night where Mrs. Mangler called to remind him not to fondle team-mates in the shower (again), the kind of night where Pittsburg Justin couldn't find a Bart Station or a mullet, the kind of night where the last three Pigs felt safe to drink one last beer in Oakland despite the recent murders. All in all good times.


This is the guy who didn't bring the meat!


Another Look at Family Night...Team McClure could be tough to beat in 2013. Fast Eddy is willing to coach.

Pig's #1 Fan pumps up the team and speaks of her favorite player: