Ian Alexander makes his Earth debut in net (of course):
12/12/06
8lbs
20 inches
Congrats to Jen and Amalie (and Pipes).
Friday, December 15, 2006
12/10/06: Pigs lose; Management blames the Jews.
As if the Mike Wallace interview wasn’t enough Pig management has partnered with Iran, blaming the Jews for their December 10 loss to vVault. “vVault has long time ties to Argentina, Venezuela, and Jimmy Cater said pig Captain Mac in a post game interview after the 4-2 loss. "It is clear they used their anti zionist support to gain favor with the officials" (the Pigs were victimized by 3 power play goals). With Hanukkah rapidly approaching the outlook for the Pigs does not look good. “We’ve got seven days to remain vigilant” announced an unidentified Pig elder after the game. “Our very namesake offends not only the Muslims but also the Jews.” Long time Pig "behind the scene" supporter TS (Technical Scott) is willing to put a fact finding committee together to answer the age old question: Is a Pig a really a filthy animal?
As if the Mike Wallace interview wasn’t enough Pig management has partnered with Iran, blaming the Jews for their December 10 loss to vVault. “vVault has long time ties to Argentina, Venezuela, and Jimmy Cater said pig Captain Mac in a post game interview after the 4-2 loss. "It is clear they used their anti zionist support to gain favor with the officials" (the Pigs were victimized by 3 power play goals). With Hanukkah rapidly approaching the outlook for the Pigs does not look good. “We’ve got seven days to remain vigilant” announced an unidentified Pig elder after the game. “Our very namesake offends not only the Muslims but also the Jews.” Long time Pig "behind the scene" supporter TS (Technical Scott) is willing to put a fact finding committee together to answer the age old question: Is a Pig a really a filthy animal?
Thursday, November 30, 2006
11/29/2006: Pig Victory Exposes Dark Underbelly of Pig Society
It was either the cold or a chronic case of the “Papi’s” that is causing a serious case of amnesia regarding the details of last nights hockey game. What I do recall is Papi. Papi yelling (at me). Papi screaming (at me). That’s about it. I mean I’ve got the stat sheet right in front of me detailing the Pig’s 5-1 dominance over the Black Dogs yet I can’t recall a single play…well one play comes to mind but you guessed it…it featured Papi screaming at me. Regardless how bad the play was you would expect a former Junior Hockey chumpion to help out and yell after the whistle…whatever. The good news is Papi and I are now closer than ever before and I welcome the opportunity to patrol the blue line with him again. The Papi stuff aside I think the cold exposed a side of the Pigs that we all should be ashamed of. Maybe it was the case of beer and bounty of bbq products (thanks to Dino’s sweet lawn mowing wife)…maybe it was Kramer…whatever it was the Mangler was dropping racially motivated bombs…black (jersey) this and black (grill) that. I stopped counting after the 3rd Nathan’s dog. Not sure why he had to bring race into every discussion. What would the HAW say if she found out? The more I think about things it must have been the horror of finding out that one of the Pig's nephews was hospitalized. Yeah he went in with the complaint of a “sore dick.” Doc told him to ease up (or lube up) a little if you know what I mean. Ahh to be 15 again. Things are getting better however and should he be reading this blog do not let him Click Here as it is explicit and will take you to the “come to mama” area of a well know pop artist. I warned ya.
It was either the cold or a chronic case of the “Papi’s” that is causing a serious case of amnesia regarding the details of last nights hockey game. What I do recall is Papi. Papi yelling (at me). Papi screaming (at me). That’s about it. I mean I’ve got the stat sheet right in front of me detailing the Pig’s 5-1 dominance over the Black Dogs yet I can’t recall a single play…well one play comes to mind but you guessed it…it featured Papi screaming at me. Regardless how bad the play was you would expect a former Junior Hockey chumpion to help out and yell after the whistle…whatever. The good news is Papi and I are now closer than ever before and I welcome the opportunity to patrol the blue line with him again. The Papi stuff aside I think the cold exposed a side of the Pigs that we all should be ashamed of. Maybe it was the case of beer and bounty of bbq products (thanks to Dino’s sweet lawn mowing wife)…maybe it was Kramer…whatever it was the Mangler was dropping racially motivated bombs…black (jersey) this and black (grill) that. I stopped counting after the 3rd Nathan’s dog. Not sure why he had to bring race into every discussion. What would the HAW say if she found out? The more I think about things it must have been the horror of finding out that one of the Pig's nephews was hospitalized. Yeah he went in with the complaint of a “sore dick.” Doc told him to ease up (or lube up) a little if you know what I mean. Ahh to be 15 again. Things are getting better however and should he be reading this blog do not let him Click Here as it is explicit and will take you to the “come to mama” area of a well know pop artist. I warned ya.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Well it is the 22nd of November and the Kid is a bit on the busy side with all the VAGINA in his house. The Lem aka Anal Bleacher will handle this one. Remember now I am not as talented as the Kid with the written word so be ready. The Pigs meet the new and improved "PBR" (Prostate Blowin Rimmer) in a rematch. The Pigs jump out early and often reaching there mark of 8 goals. Can you say Deja Vu! The PBR did however happen to find the back of the net a few times, Ok 3 times as much as they did before but hey who's counting. Lem was without his normal D partner Mangler as he was busy entertaing some bean counters from corporate. Rumor is they went for a rub and a tug in the city.....Can you say Penicillin. Well back to the action. T Mac and his line made there normal showing trying to make a pitch to get themselves new contracts as set forth by GM Mangler but the other lines anchored by Rob, Mac, Dino, Papi, and T Mother F!(*$% Gary showed that the Pigs are all about heart not Benjamins. Jeff put up huge numbers in net keeping it a landslide victory for the Balck, Red and White. Jeff was heard during the 2nd intermission as saying "if you guys don't mind would you keep em off of me after the 6th rebound. Kid and Lem did their best to comply but with a little brain fart let one guy by with not so much as a blink. Well lets keep it going on the 28th my boys and I think I will be able to pull Mangler off the H.A.W but word is she is working on a new novel titled "Secrets of the Keggles" and is still in the research mode and you all know what that means........No legs for Mangler.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
11/8/2006: Pickled Pigs, Carl Brewer
Pigs didn’t bring their “A” Tuesday night as the Prairie Dogs feasted on bacon sandwiches all night to the taste of a 6-3 win. 40+ year old sub Diamond Dave Roth and his bloodied “beak” wasn’t enough to keep the Pigs out of trouble. “I could smell the booze on him in the locker room before we suited up…he was hammered” said 1st line Defenseman Lemon. Double D’s vision was good enough to one time a perfect Mac (originally thought to be Papi however Papi was too busy checking Kids stick for wear and tear) pass to give the Pigs their first goal. Pitt’s schizophrenia surfaced briefly late in the first period as he was observed yelling at himself…the outburst will likely cost him the Lady Byng this year. If you look close at the picture you might be able to see Pitt’s alter ego…the feared no fat, chicken turkey hot dog smoking Puck Pig. Suuuwei!!!
The most important part of the night however was after the game when Papi took the Kid aside in a moment that would have made Ex-Pig Captain/coach Greenspan smile. You see the Kid missed a few passes, got burned a couple times, and even goalie Jeff politely said “let’s not let that happen again.” Papi sat the Kid down saying “You know who Carl Brewer is?” Well here is Carl’s story:
Carl Brewer was an integral part of the Tronoto Leaf’s 1962, 1963, 1964 Stanely Cup Championship teams. He was always different, known for cutting the palms of his gloves out so he could hold his stick shaft with his bare hands. In 1963 he hired agent Alan Eagleson who would prove to be Brewer’s nemesis. The Eagle soon became the top agent in the game and became the head of the NHL players association. Carl stopped playing in 1980. Soon after retirement he came to realize the Eagleson betrayed not only his trust but also the trust of every player in the NHL with regard player pensions. Brewer’s quest for Justice against Eagleson came to a head in 1991 when Brewer filed a lawsuit against the NHL to recover missing pension money and in 1994 the courts sided with Carl. In 1998 Eagleson was fined and sent to prison. “I just want to thank God for the United States of America because none of this would have occurred in Canada” he said after the verdict. This was Carl’s finest moment. None of this has anything to do with Papi’s sit down. You see Papi asked the Kid to bring his stick over. Looking at the wear pattern he said “you see the stick is worn here at the heal…you need a lower lie (angle between the blade and the shaft)…like Carl Brewer.” You see our hero Carl was known for skating low to the ice and carrying the puck out in front. Lies normally range from 4 to 8 yet Carl needed a 3. “Kid you need a 3.”
There you have it. Next game: Thursday, November 16, @ 10:15 against PBR.
Pigs didn’t bring their “A” Tuesday night as the Prairie Dogs feasted on bacon sandwiches all night to the taste of a 6-3 win. 40+ year old sub Diamond Dave Roth and his bloodied “beak” wasn’t enough to keep the Pigs out of trouble. “I could smell the booze on him in the locker room before we suited up…he was hammered” said 1st line Defenseman Lemon. Double D’s vision was good enough to one time a perfect Mac (originally thought to be Papi however Papi was too busy checking Kids stick for wear and tear) pass to give the Pigs their first goal. Pitt’s schizophrenia surfaced briefly late in the first period as he was observed yelling at himself…the outburst will likely cost him the Lady Byng this year. If you look close at the picture you might be able to see Pitt’s alter ego…the feared no fat, chicken turkey hot dog smoking Puck Pig. Suuuwei!!!
The most important part of the night however was after the game when Papi took the Kid aside in a moment that would have made Ex-Pig Captain/coach Greenspan smile. You see the Kid missed a few passes, got burned a couple times, and even goalie Jeff politely said “let’s not let that happen again.” Papi sat the Kid down saying “You know who Carl Brewer is?” Well here is Carl’s story:
Carl Brewer was an integral part of the Tronoto Leaf’s 1962, 1963, 1964 Stanely Cup Championship teams. He was always different, known for cutting the palms of his gloves out so he could hold his stick shaft with his bare hands. In 1963 he hired agent Alan Eagleson who would prove to be Brewer’s nemesis. The Eagle soon became the top agent in the game and became the head of the NHL players association. Carl stopped playing in 1980. Soon after retirement he came to realize the Eagleson betrayed not only his trust but also the trust of every player in the NHL with regard player pensions. Brewer’s quest for Justice against Eagleson came to a head in 1991 when Brewer filed a lawsuit against the NHL to recover missing pension money and in 1994 the courts sided with Carl. In 1998 Eagleson was fined and sent to prison. “I just want to thank God for the United States of America because none of this would have occurred in Canada” he said after the verdict. This was Carl’s finest moment. None of this has anything to do with Papi’s sit down. You see Papi asked the Kid to bring his stick over. Looking at the wear pattern he said “you see the stick is worn here at the heal…you need a lower lie (angle between the blade and the shaft)…like Carl Brewer.” You see our hero Carl was known for skating low to the ice and carrying the puck out in front. Lies normally range from 4 to 8 yet Carl needed a 3. “Kid you need a 3.”
There you have it. Next game: Thursday, November 16, @ 10:15 against PBR.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
10/24/2006: 2006-7 Season Opener “More Cowbell”
Pigs opened the 2006-7 Winter season against Pabst Blue Ribbon. Naw this team was not coached or managed by Frank Booth (the manic Dennis Hopper from “Blue Velvet”) nor did the squad go Turrets on us with cute quotes from the movie “"Heineken? Fuck that shit! … PABST BLUE RIBBON!!!" They did have PBR jerseys however I don’t think they were a sponsored club. Anyway…PBR stunned the Oakland hockey world by scoring :37 into the 1st period. This was about all they did. ...
(Kids mind starts to wander...Must have been because the ice was not that cold. Everyone knows that PBR must be cold, icy cold in fact. As it worms, PBR molecules tend to bond with ambient urine molecules in the atmosphere, making it taste like Brooklyn Pilsner. There is a certain retro coolness to be found in standing behind the Red, White, and Blue of PBR. Really though…who if anyone still drinks PBR these days?” Who even knows where to find it? Maybe in one of the beer stores that Vitts talks about up in Canada? Imagine how cool you’ll be, and how much money you could save for that dream grill you've longed for, as you suck down a few cans after the game. Other teams will gawk with envy as they sip on their warm, flat, Coors Lights. Wait the Pigs like Coors Light and we have a kick ass grill. Kid snaps out of it).
...The next 44+ minutes were all about the Turtle and his trusty cowbell. It was really like the poor fella had a fever and the only prescription was more cowbell.
Nobody knows this better than Papi who racked up 11 PIMs (all in the offensive zone I might add…no wait that is not true...he broke #21 PBRs stick at center ice...also the score sheet shows an additional game misconduct recorded after the game ended????). Cowbell aside the Pigs went on to dominate, scoring 8 unanswerd goals to win the opener 8-1. Usual suspects of TMac & Mac doing most of the damage (Vitts decided to damage his goin). Even hero firefighter Lemon was able to make the 3rd period after hanging with his Contra Costa fire team on the NHL side. Thanks Lem!
Quote of the night: "Lets just say it ain't gonna get any better" - Papi to Vitts when asked if nagging from girls abates post marrage.
Pigs opened the 2006-7 Winter season against Pabst Blue Ribbon. Naw this team was not coached or managed by Frank Booth (the manic Dennis Hopper from “Blue Velvet”) nor did the squad go Turrets on us with cute quotes from the movie “"Heineken? Fuck that shit! … PABST BLUE RIBBON!!!" They did have PBR jerseys however I don’t think they were a sponsored club. Anyway…PBR stunned the Oakland hockey world by scoring :37 into the 1st period. This was about all they did. ...
(Kids mind starts to wander...Must have been because the ice was not that cold. Everyone knows that PBR must be cold, icy cold in fact. As it worms, PBR molecules tend to bond with ambient urine molecules in the atmosphere, making it taste like Brooklyn Pilsner. There is a certain retro coolness to be found in standing behind the Red, White, and Blue of PBR. Really though…who if anyone still drinks PBR these days?” Who even knows where to find it? Maybe in one of the beer stores that Vitts talks about up in Canada? Imagine how cool you’ll be, and how much money you could save for that dream grill you've longed for, as you suck down a few cans after the game. Other teams will gawk with envy as they sip on their warm, flat, Coors Lights. Wait the Pigs like Coors Light and we have a kick ass grill. Kid snaps out of it).
...The next 44+ minutes were all about the Turtle and his trusty cowbell. It was really like the poor fella had a fever and the only prescription was more cowbell.
Nobody knows this better than Papi who racked up 11 PIMs (all in the offensive zone I might add…no wait that is not true...he broke #21 PBRs stick at center ice...also the score sheet shows an additional game misconduct recorded after the game ended????). Cowbell aside the Pigs went on to dominate, scoring 8 unanswerd goals to win the opener 8-1. Usual suspects of TMac & Mac doing most of the damage (Vitts decided to damage his goin). Even hero firefighter Lemon was able to make the 3rd period after hanging with his Contra Costa fire team on the NHL side. Thanks Lem!
Quote of the night: "Lets just say it ain't gonna get any better" - Papi to Vitts when asked if nagging from girls abates post marrage.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Monday, October 16, 2006
ABP: Stinky Smelly Hockey Bag
From our PPG leader Pittsberg Justin. Perhaps in the future you could contract with Vitts to keep a close eye on your goods. I hear he is quite good with a gun.
E-mail from Pitt (10/16/06)
So a couple of nights ago I decided it was probably time to get my hockey bag out of the trunk of my car as it had been left in there since our last game. It was a little confusing at first when I didn't see the bag in my trunk. But after 5 minutes of incredulous denial I let myself believe that some fuck broke into my car, found nothing of value in the glove compartment, pulled the trunk latch, and hauled my sweaty hockey gear away with him. Alright, so i'm being discriminating: It could have been a girl. Anyway, I think i'm going to host one of those 'end-of-an-eighties-movie' community dance offs to raise money so I can buy new equipment, but until I get the proper city permits in place, I might be out of commission for a while. All of this was typed on my treo, so apologies for any spelling errors.
later,
Justin
From our PPG leader Pittsberg Justin. Perhaps in the future you could contract with Vitts to keep a close eye on your goods. I hear he is quite good with a gun.
E-mail from Pitt (10/16/06)
So a couple of nights ago I decided it was probably time to get my hockey bag out of the trunk of my car as it had been left in there since our last game. It was a little confusing at first when I didn't see the bag in my trunk. But after 5 minutes of incredulous denial I let myself believe that some fuck broke into my car, found nothing of value in the glove compartment, pulled the trunk latch, and hauled my sweaty hockey gear away with him. Alright, so i'm being discriminating: It could have been a girl. Anyway, I think i'm going to host one of those 'end-of-an-eighties-movie' community dance offs to raise money so I can buy new equipment, but until I get the proper city permits in place, I might be out of commission for a while. All of this was typed on my treo, so apologies for any spelling errors.
later,
Justin
Friday, October 13, 2006
A few notes and messages from the squad:
A message from Tall Gary's former Youth Hockey Coach, Jules Winnfield. "Just cause you look like the Gimp don't mean you have to play like the Gimp." Enjoy the video.
Winter Season Creed (thank you Lemon):
I,________, promise never to be outhustled. I will play both ends of the ice, fight for every loose puck. I will sacrifice my body for my team. I will always choose grit over flash, substance over style. I will work, and sweat, and suffer, so that-come game time-my team can shine. I am a PUCK PIG hockey player!
Pig Addendums (thank you Longshore):
If I am the puppet - I will not forget to bring the meat.
If I am the bitch - I will not forget to bring the beer.
And the Herrick clause:
I will not shoot on my own goalie.
And the Lemon clause (Kid edit from Longshore's original):
I will make a break-out pass up the middle of the ice (as that is were the forward should be).
I will not pass to an opposing high slot player (Lemon Drop).
And the Dino clause:
I will choose hockey over Oprah.
As well as the Mac clause:
I will choose hockey over Fleetwood Mac.
And the Frasier clause:
I will stay off my damn motorcycle.
And the Mangler clause:
I will choose hockey over the HAW.
Finally the Longshore clause:
I will not take offensive zone penalties
I will not pick on guys bigger than me.
I will get a tatoo on my ass that says "it's never to late to get back on defense."
A message from Tall Gary's former Youth Hockey Coach, Jules Winnfield. "Just cause you look like the Gimp don't mean you have to play like the Gimp." Enjoy the video.
Winter Season Creed (thank you Lemon):
I,________, promise never to be outhustled. I will play both ends of the ice, fight for every loose puck. I will sacrifice my body for my team. I will always choose grit over flash, substance over style. I will work, and sweat, and suffer, so that-come game time-my team can shine. I am a PUCK PIG hockey player!
Pig Addendums (thank you Longshore):
If I am the puppet - I will not forget to bring the meat.
If I am the bitch - I will not forget to bring the beer.
And the Herrick clause:
I will not shoot on my own goalie.
And the Lemon clause (Kid edit from Longshore's original):
I will make a break-out pass up the middle of the ice (as that is were the forward should be).
I will not pass to an opposing high slot player (Lemon Drop).
And the Dino clause:
I will choose hockey over Oprah.
As well as the Mac clause:
I will choose hockey over Fleetwood Mac.
And the Frasier clause:
I will stay off my damn motorcycle.
And the Mangler clause:
I will choose hockey over the HAW.
Finally the Longshore clause:
I will not take offensive zone penalties
I will not pick on guys bigger than me.
I will get a tatoo on my ass that says "it's never to late to get back on defense."
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Click below for the Original Star Wars Kid (watch em all they are very funny). Vitts: this you back in High School?
The Original Star Wars Kid
Lemon: A challenge to you and your brother to try and top Mac.
Note: Kid has edited Mac's orignal post to add bells, whistles, Vitts, and Lemon. Mac...apologies for not adding the history to my post below. I figured everyone knew about the Original Star Wars kid. I will do more research to confirm my hypothesis that the Orignal Star Wars kid is in fact the Pigs very own Slap Shot Rob.
_______
The Original Star Wars Kid
Lemon: A challenge to you and your brother to try and top Mac.
Note: Kid has edited Mac's orignal post to add bells, whistles, Vitts, and Lemon. Mac...apologies for not adding the history to my post below. I figured everyone knew about the Original Star Wars kid. I will do more research to confirm my hypothesis that the Orignal Star Wars kid is in fact the Pigs very own Slap Shot Rob.
_______
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Terrapin Trumps Swine: Prairie Dogs Advance to the Finals
10/4/2006 (Oakland, CA) The 2006 Pig Summer season came to a screeching halt last night after a heartbreaking shootout loss to the Prairie Dogs. “If only Dale were here” Rosie mused before the game upon seeing that the inept and consistently horrendous referee known simply as the ‘turtle’ was in line to call the semi final game between the Pigs and the Dogs (Long time Pig fans remember Dale’s “in the crease” call against Reno’s finest Greg Marsella to end the Pigs 2002 season). After the Pigs took an early 1-0 lead the Dogs responded with authority scoring 4 1st period goals. A fired up Pig squad went on a 20 shot, 3 goal 2nd period rampage to knot things up @ 4 through two. Dogs opened the 3rd with a fancy: 07 goal to take a 5-4 lead. With time running out Team Captain Mac rallied the troops with a TO. “OK let’s get an all-star line on the ice…and Kid you can stay out there as well (thanks Mac).” The all-stars + Kid did as they were instructed and apparently scored the game tying goal with about 5 minutes to play. The team celebration abruptly ended about 20 seconds after it started with the ‘Turtle” calling for a faceoff in the zone…a classic Turtle call). “The Kids shot rested at least a foot over the goal line” LW standout Pittsburg Justin who had a birds eye view from the left goal post recalled after the game. Regardless the Pigs rallied once again with a fantastic game tying T-Mac goal with about 3 minutes on the clock. Even better Longshore buried the go ahead goal with the clock winding down. The Dogs forced OT with a timely 14:15 high slot turkey shoot shot. I should mention that the Mangler was asked to leave the ice for exceeding the allotted number of penalties and for not bringing his HAW to the game. The overtime period featured 5:00 of play from 1979 Canadian Junior hockey standout Papi who momentarily forgot how to change lines. No score in the OT period forcing a shootout.
Shootout summary
Dogs#74…stoned by Jeff.
Mac…stoned by Dogs net minder.
Dogs#5…goal.
Pitt…stoned by Dogs net minder.
Dogs#20…stoned by Jeff (and his pile of snow in the slot trick)
Vitts…stoned by Dogs net minder.
Pigs hit the showers.
Pig Nation post game highlighted by Lemon’s fantastic 5 star BBQ Tri-Tip sambo’s, salad, and more. Thank you Lemon.
2006 Awards
Jack Adams: best coach. Winner: David Greenspan This is David's second ‘straight’ Adams award since leaving the team in 2005.
Georges Vezina: best goalie. Winner: Jeff. Jeff outperformed the subs and his peers this season with a career best 90.4 save percentage and 11 wins. Nice work Pipes.
Heart: team MVP. Winner: T-Mac Mac graciously gives last years award to the new Mac…TMac is the man. Nobody can be sure exactly how many of the 19 goals and 11 assists belong Papi however we can all agree it was less than 2.
Bill Masterton Memorial: the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey. Winner: Dino. Second straight for Dino. The guy never gives up (except in the playoffs when Oprah takes priority).
Lester B. Pearson: most outstanding player. Winner: Pittsburg Justin . Justin got edged out last year however this season Justin’s 2.0 PPG makes him a must play every week. He has been signed to a long term contract that includes Asian incentives.
Calder: Most proficient in 1st year on the Pigs. Winner: Vitts. The guys a ‘nut’ but brings the thunder. Welcome to the squad Vitts.
Da Byng: Gentleman. Winner: JustinNice work.
Maurice Richard. Top Goal scorer. Winner: T-Mac (17 ish)
Selke: Forward who best excels in the defensive aspects of the game. Winner: Herrick. Every skater on the ice should say to themselves "it's never to late to get back on D".
King Clancy: Player who best exemplifies leadership qualities on and off the ice and has made noteworthy humanitarian contributions. Winner: Mangler top notch recruiting Jackie!
Norris: Defensive player who demonstrates the greatest all-around ability. Winner: Gracie is the clear winner with 1 G, 9 A, and 18 PIMs.
Ross: Pts leader. Winner: T-Mac (25 ish)
Conn Smythe: MVP of the playoffs...Winner: T-mac. Too bad we missed the opportunity to give the rookie a Mohawk!
Great Season Pigs….see you all for Winter 2006-7.
10/4/2006 (Oakland, CA) The 2006 Pig Summer season came to a screeching halt last night after a heartbreaking shootout loss to the Prairie Dogs. “If only Dale were here” Rosie mused before the game upon seeing that the inept and consistently horrendous referee known simply as the ‘turtle’ was in line to call the semi final game between the Pigs and the Dogs (Long time Pig fans remember Dale’s “in the crease” call against Reno’s finest Greg Marsella to end the Pigs 2002 season). After the Pigs took an early 1-0 lead the Dogs responded with authority scoring 4 1st period goals. A fired up Pig squad went on a 20 shot, 3 goal 2nd period rampage to knot things up @ 4 through two. Dogs opened the 3rd with a fancy: 07 goal to take a 5-4 lead. With time running out Team Captain Mac rallied the troops with a TO. “OK let’s get an all-star line on the ice…and Kid you can stay out there as well (thanks Mac).” The all-stars + Kid did as they were instructed and apparently scored the game tying goal with about 5 minutes to play. The team celebration abruptly ended about 20 seconds after it started with the ‘Turtle” calling for a faceoff in the zone…a classic Turtle call). “The Kids shot rested at least a foot over the goal line” LW standout Pittsburg Justin who had a birds eye view from the left goal post recalled after the game. Regardless the Pigs rallied once again with a fantastic game tying T-Mac goal with about 3 minutes on the clock. Even better Longshore buried the go ahead goal with the clock winding down. The Dogs forced OT with a timely 14:15 high slot turkey shoot shot. I should mention that the Mangler was asked to leave the ice for exceeding the allotted number of penalties and for not bringing his HAW to the game. The overtime period featured 5:00 of play from 1979 Canadian Junior hockey standout Papi who momentarily forgot how to change lines. No score in the OT period forcing a shootout.
Shootout summary
Dogs#74…stoned by Jeff.
Mac…stoned by Dogs net minder.
Dogs#5…goal.
Pitt…stoned by Dogs net minder.
Dogs#20…stoned by Jeff (and his pile of snow in the slot trick)
Vitts…stoned by Dogs net minder.
Pigs hit the showers.
Pig Nation post game highlighted by Lemon’s fantastic 5 star BBQ Tri-Tip sambo’s, salad, and more. Thank you Lemon.
2006 Awards
Jack Adams: best coach. Winner: David Greenspan This is David's second ‘straight’ Adams award since leaving the team in 2005.
Georges Vezina: best goalie. Winner: Jeff. Jeff outperformed the subs and his peers this season with a career best 90.4 save percentage and 11 wins. Nice work Pipes.
Heart: team MVP. Winner: T-Mac Mac graciously gives last years award to the new Mac…TMac is the man. Nobody can be sure exactly how many of the 19 goals and 11 assists belong Papi however we can all agree it was less than 2.
Bill Masterton Memorial: the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey. Winner: Dino. Second straight for Dino. The guy never gives up (except in the playoffs when Oprah takes priority).
Lester B. Pearson: most outstanding player. Winner: Pittsburg Justin . Justin got edged out last year however this season Justin’s 2.0 PPG makes him a must play every week. He has been signed to a long term contract that includes Asian incentives.
Calder: Most proficient in 1st year on the Pigs. Winner: Vitts. The guys a ‘nut’ but brings the thunder. Welcome to the squad Vitts.
Da Byng: Gentleman. Winner: JustinNice work.
Maurice Richard. Top Goal scorer. Winner: T-Mac (17 ish)
Selke: Forward who best excels in the defensive aspects of the game. Winner: Herrick. Every skater on the ice should say to themselves "it's never to late to get back on D".
King Clancy: Player who best exemplifies leadership qualities on and off the ice and has made noteworthy humanitarian contributions. Winner: Mangler top notch recruiting Jackie!
Norris: Defensive player who demonstrates the greatest all-around ability. Winner: Gracie is the clear winner with 1 G, 9 A, and 18 PIMs.
Ross: Pts leader. Winner: T-Mac (25 ish)
Conn Smythe: MVP of the playoffs...Winner: T-mac. Too bad we missed the opportunity to give the rookie a Mohawk!
Great Season Pigs….see you all for Winter 2006-7.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Pigs Advance to Semis; Vitts completes Sexual Harassment Training; Oprah looms large
Twenty seven seconds is all it took for Line 1 (T-mac, Dennis, Pitt) and the Pigs to wrap this one up with a pair of goals on their 1st shift. When the final horn sounded the scoreboard showed 5-1 and the Pigs advance to the semi’s Tuesday night @ 8:45.
It was clear that something was different about Slap Shot Rob (Vitts) as his style of play seemed somewhat emasculated. It wasn’t until after the game he confessed to having successfully completed sexual harassment training last week after the scandalous Mr. Peanut incident. Pig Management is discussing putting all players through this course after Mangler’s salacious hit from behind against an unsuspecting Greyhound. Numerous studies have concluded that folks perceive these types of hits to be gay whether or not the actual hit had any homosexual intent. Perception is everything and Pig Management is concerned.
Finally to reach out to our female Pig nation members Dino has taken it upon himself to partner with Oprah. Each week Dino will bring the Nation an Oprah reading assignment and host a book club discussion. Dino will not be at Tuesday's game as he is personally meeting with Oprah to discuss next weeks book.
Click Here for Stats through round 2!!!
Twenty seven seconds is all it took for Line 1 (T-mac, Dennis, Pitt) and the Pigs to wrap this one up with a pair of goals on their 1st shift. When the final horn sounded the scoreboard showed 5-1 and the Pigs advance to the semi’s Tuesday night @ 8:45.
It was clear that something was different about Slap Shot Rob (Vitts) as his style of play seemed somewhat emasculated. It wasn’t until after the game he confessed to having successfully completed sexual harassment training last week after the scandalous Mr. Peanut incident. Pig Management is discussing putting all players through this course after Mangler’s salacious hit from behind against an unsuspecting Greyhound. Numerous studies have concluded that folks perceive these types of hits to be gay whether or not the actual hit had any homosexual intent. Perception is everything and Pig Management is concerned.
Finally to reach out to our female Pig nation members Dino has taken it upon himself to partner with Oprah. Each week Dino will bring the Nation an Oprah reading assignment and host a book club discussion. Dino will not be at Tuesday's game as he is personally meeting with Oprah to discuss next weeks book.
Click Here for Stats through round 2!!!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
A look back at 1998-99 Championship season. Who remembers the magical #1 line of Obus, Kid, Mac (39 G, 41 A, 44 PIMs)? The number 2 line anchored by Rosie and Dino (and Marks) were no slouches either (29 G, 30 A, 26 PIMs). Shout outs to the D (Fraser, Lemon, Gordie, Marsella, & Merrill) for putting up with Aprilie's shit in the net. Back then Longshore anchored the "checking" line...how times have changed.
I'm telling you 2006 is Longshore's year!!!
I'm telling you 2006 is Longshore's year!!!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
9/25/2006: Pigs Advance in Round 1; Vitts gets hit
No it wasn't the Hanson brothers from Slap Shot but it was Pigs playoff Hockey. A fired up Pigs squad sodomized (this was Mangler’s choice of words not mine) the visiting Black Dogs 10-2 Sunday night to advance to the second round. Outside of the lopsided score, things were low key until 10:37 into the 3rd period when Black Ice #27 took a two handed tomahawk stick chop to the back of newly dubbed “butter balls” Vits’ head. “I told him to hit me however I was expecting him to drop the gloves." Vitts seemed fine after the game and cheerfully told the squad tales from last weekends bachelor party complete with guys jumping off 2nd story balconies, taking local strippers to the wedding as dates, and defacating in his buddies hotel bed as a prank. While none of that came off as looney the following picture surfaced earlier this morning. Not wanting to jeopardize round two the team Elders briefly met this morning and decided to have Vitts committed. He is expected to make a full recovery and start Sunday night.
Friday, September 22, 2006
9/19/2006: Regular Season Ends; Fraser in Drag
What you need to know:
Pigs clubhouse a 13-4 record and enter the playoffs as the #2 team. With Fraser out of the game and recuperating from a severe RPG recoil head injury he received last week at the hands of the Al Quida taliban tribesmen in Afghanistan, Rookie T-Mac got the starting call at RW. This was just his 3rd start since turning 21 and the rookie took advantage of the ice time scoring a pair of goals including a bitch slap tally with: 11 seconds to play. “I’ve carried a lot of clipboards for some great forwards awaiting my chance to start, but Fraser is my hero…looks at that ass!” As a starter before this game he had recorded 12 goals and 5 assists.
The Pig’s defensive game appears to be on track heading into the playoffs. Jeff was his usual dominating self between the pipes, plucking pucks from an aggressive Black Ice squad finishing with 27 saves and recording his 11th win.
What you ought to know:
Longshore: 15 GP, 19 G, 11 A, 30 Pts, 8 PIMs: Damn…who is this guy? Longshore hasn’t been this productive since the 1984 air guitar championship where his Eddie Van Halen “Panama” routine was good enough for 2nd place. Well done.
Pittsberg Justin: 9 GP, 11 G, 7 A, 18 Pts, 0 PIMs: Forget the Byng this guy is hands down a PPG monster (2.00). If we could just get him to show up more often and bring beer once in while our GM may hook him up with a HAG.
Pipes: 15 GP, .904 SV%, 2.53 GAA, 11 W, 1 SHO: All career bests. In his spare time he clandestinely rallied against Ahmadinejad in NYC after the game. In short a modern Resonance man.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Sept 13, 2006
The Pigs win their 4th in a row while Harvard sat silent as Khatami defended the execution of homosexuals (Mangler: at this time the Metrosexual lifestyle is not subject to these harsh penalties). "A win is a win yet I can't beleive we pander to Iran and their 7th century approach to life" a passionate and alarmed Team Captain Mac commented after the game. "I care about the gays for sure but what about the Jews...President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has gone on record denying the Holocaust and calling for the extermination of all Jews" piped in Goalie Jeff. "We care about ex-coach Greenspan's safety" he continued. "Uhh he's not Jewish dude but he is a lawyer" one unidentified Pig corrected. "We play for Human Rights from here on out...we play for the women, the children, metrosexuals, and all the oppressed...especially oppressed Hot Asian women" elder Mangler concluded.
Good win and good post game discussion boys!
Friday, September 01, 2006
Labor Day (Sept 1, 2006)
Labor Day came early this year as the Pigs were only able to start the game fielding 6 skaters against the Edge last night in Oakland. In the locker room moments before the game Mac uttered “WWGD?” (what would Greenie do?). Herrick reflecting fondly on short handed games past quickly responded with “why a 1-4” formation. “Where the f*&% is Tall Mother F%&%ing Gary, Peter, & Pittsberg?” snorted the Kid. Mangler reports in that Peter called an hour ago with his regrets, no word from the rest. “Well Dino will be here shortly so we should have 7, Mangler…Lemon….you fellas will be manning the blue line ‘iron man’ style until reinforcements arrive…fuck Greenie” General Mac called out. This left the Kid, Longshore, Herrick and Mac to produce up front. Mac figured with Jeff manning the Pipes all would be well. And all was well. Pigs came out strong exiting the 1st period up 2-0 thanks to gritty goals from Mac and Longshore. With the arrival of Dino, the Kid slots back to Defense to help out the Jack, Lemon, and Pipes. After 2 periods Pigs lead it 4-2 thanks to a solid passing and opportunity game. In the third a sweet pass from Lemon to Longshore made it 5-2 and the Mangler “knuckled” one to close things out for a 6-3 final. Yes Labor day came early this year. To all the Pigs who didn’t show up last night have a great Labor Day weekend. To the brave 8 who did this Buds for you! See you all on 9/12.
Labor Day came early this year as the Pigs were only able to start the game fielding 6 skaters against the Edge last night in Oakland. In the locker room moments before the game Mac uttered “WWGD?” (what would Greenie do?). Herrick reflecting fondly on short handed games past quickly responded with “why a 1-4” formation. “Where the f*&% is Tall Mother F%&%ing Gary, Peter, & Pittsberg?” snorted the Kid. Mangler reports in that Peter called an hour ago with his regrets, no word from the rest. “Well Dino will be here shortly so we should have 7, Mangler…Lemon….you fellas will be manning the blue line ‘iron man’ style until reinforcements arrive…fuck Greenie” General Mac called out. This left the Kid, Longshore, Herrick and Mac to produce up front. Mac figured with Jeff manning the Pipes all would be well. And all was well. Pigs came out strong exiting the 1st period up 2-0 thanks to gritty goals from Mac and Longshore. With the arrival of Dino, the Kid slots back to Defense to help out the Jack, Lemon, and Pipes. After 2 periods Pigs lead it 4-2 thanks to a solid passing and opportunity game. In the third a sweet pass from Lemon to Longshore made it 5-2 and the Mangler “knuckled” one to close things out for a 6-3 final. Yes Labor day came early this year. To all the Pigs who didn’t show up last night have a great Labor Day weekend. To the brave 8 who did this Buds for you! See you all on 9/12.
Monday, August 21, 2006
8/21: Oakland Open Door Policy
Pigs looked strong with an overwhelming 7-2 win last night over long time foe Black Ice. “My first shift was a blur” extolled 1st line centermen Longshore after he scored two goals in the opening 33 seconds of play. “I haven’t scored that many times in under a minute since my Junior year in High School over in Waupaca” he boasted and then blushed. Right wing Tmac matched Longshore goal for goal over the course of the game each netting 3. “It’s nice to see the older guys starting to contribute” stammered 21 year old Tmac with a beer in his mit. In other news Pig rookie Roller Pants (Red Carpet) Mike left the locker room door unlocked with hundreds of Pig dollars, watches, keys, electronics, etc available for the taking. “I closed the door.” He is still on probation.
Pigs looked strong with an overwhelming 7-2 win last night over long time foe Black Ice. “My first shift was a blur” extolled 1st line centermen Longshore after he scored two goals in the opening 33 seconds of play. “I haven’t scored that many times in under a minute since my Junior year in High School over in Waupaca” he boasted and then blushed. Right wing Tmac matched Longshore goal for goal over the course of the game each netting 3. “It’s nice to see the older guys starting to contribute” stammered 21 year old Tmac with a beer in his mit. In other news Pig rookie Roller Pants (Red Carpet) Mike left the locker room door unlocked with hundreds of Pig dollars, watches, keys, electronics, etc available for the taking. “I closed the door.” He is still on probation.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
8/13/2006: Mangler No, Tall Gary Yes
Sunday's no show list included GM, and lead metrosexual, Mangler however Tall Gary was there. Not that this made any difference as the youth movement within the Pig ranks is keeping the team in 1st Place through week 13 at 9-4. New recruit SLR (Slap Shot Rob) has revamped an aging blue line squad and added about 40-50 mph on the aggregate shot from the point. As we moorn the loss of Minnesota Scott the addition of SLR has made the transition much easier. Things got a little scary in the 1st period when goaltender Jeff complained of blood loss. Nothing a tenus shot, 7 stitches and a few hours in an ER waiting room couldn't fix. Pigs won 8-2 in front of a sellout Family Night crowd. See you all next week.
Sunday's no show list included GM, and lead metrosexual, Mangler however Tall Gary was there. Not that this made any difference as the youth movement within the Pig ranks is keeping the team in 1st Place through week 13 at 9-4. New recruit SLR (Slap Shot Rob) has revamped an aging blue line squad and added about 40-50 mph on the aggregate shot from the point. As we moorn the loss of Minnesota Scott the addition of SLR has made the transition much easier. Things got a little scary in the 1st period when goaltender Jeff complained of blood loss. Nothing a tenus shot, 7 stitches and a few hours in an ER waiting room couldn't fix. Pigs won 8-2 in front of a sellout Family Night crowd. See you all next week.
Monday, July 24, 2006
7/23/06: One Hot Summer Night
If 111 degrees wasn't hot enough for the Pigs, Mangler's wife sure was as she single handily rallied the Pigs to a 4-3 OT win over the Mavericks. Making her first (and probably last) appearence in the statnds, Mrs. Mangler proved to be the catalyst for victory as she screamed "I love Minnesota" at the start of OT. Newlywed Minnesota Scott answered the call pocketing the puck about with about 2 minutes to play in the extra time. "I just met her...she seems very nice" SotaPop Scott said to reporters after the game when questioned about his relationship with Mrs. Mangler. Sota's wife took it in stride saying "it's really no big deal...Minnesota is a nice place to live."
In other news Locker Room Key Manger Tyler learned the hard way what a "dry whirly" is as Mac buried his head into an equipment bag full of freshly soiled hockey equipment. This was the only action Mac saw all night.
Family night was a huge success! Thanks to all Family and Friends of the growing Pig Nation. I'm signing Mrs. Mangler up for cocktails at the next Family friendly time slot. She will be making Cosmo’s for all card carrying Pig Nation members.
If 111 degrees wasn't hot enough for the Pigs, Mangler's wife sure was as she single handily rallied the Pigs to a 4-3 OT win over the Mavericks. Making her first (and probably last) appearence in the statnds, Mrs. Mangler proved to be the catalyst for victory as she screamed "I love Minnesota" at the start of OT. Newlywed Minnesota Scott answered the call pocketing the puck about with about 2 minutes to play in the extra time. "I just met her...she seems very nice" SotaPop Scott said to reporters after the game when questioned about his relationship with Mrs. Mangler. Sota's wife took it in stride saying "it's really no big deal...Minnesota is a nice place to live."
In other news Locker Room Key Manger Tyler learned the hard way what a "dry whirly" is as Mac buried his head into an equipment bag full of freshly soiled hockey equipment. This was the only action Mac saw all night.
Family night was a huge success! Thanks to all Family and Friends of the growing Pig Nation. I'm signing Mrs. Mangler up for cocktails at the next Family friendly time slot. She will be making Cosmo’s for all card carrying Pig Nation members.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
July 2, 2006: Dog Days of Summer
Pigs crated the Praire Dogs 6-4 behind 44 shots on net. Props to Dino for the "hat". Sota had a hand in a few goals and even Stone Legs OBUS burried a goal while visiting from the land of Chocolate, Knives and Watches.
7/2 HAW Update: no show but the Catsup was spicy.
The new and improved MVP hat with ex Pig great Greenie's likeness
July 9, 2006: Box Score
A total of 23 penalties (46 minutes) in this bout between the #1 vVault and the #2 Pigs. Pigs ended up losing this one 6-4. Father/Son moment of the game had Tori and his proud Papa Jack along side with Dino and son Tyler all speding time in the Penatly Box. Ahhh.
7/9 HAW Update: no show..no Catsup.
Gracie sports the MVP hat
July 16, 2006: USMC Rules!
Pigs edge out the Bulldogs 5-4 behind stellar center play from Longshore and Herrick. Ex USMC Fraser giving up about 125 lbs goes "toe to toe" with the Golaith Bulldog Defensman. Nice work.
7/16 HAW Update: no show but Spicy Catsup, Mustard, and Hot linx!!!!!
Tory Donning the Priced Helmut for MVP
Note: HAW = Hot Asian Wife
Pigs crated the Praire Dogs 6-4 behind 44 shots on net. Props to Dino for the "hat". Sota had a hand in a few goals and even Stone Legs OBUS burried a goal while visiting from the land of Chocolate, Knives and Watches.
7/2 HAW Update: no show but the Catsup was spicy.
The new and improved MVP hat with ex Pig great Greenie's likeness
July 9, 2006: Box Score
A total of 23 penalties (46 minutes) in this bout between the #1 vVault and the #2 Pigs. Pigs ended up losing this one 6-4. Father/Son moment of the game had Tori and his proud Papa Jack along side with Dino and son Tyler all speding time in the Penatly Box. Ahhh.
7/9 HAW Update: no show..no Catsup.
Gracie sports the MVP hat
July 16, 2006: USMC Rules!
Pigs edge out the Bulldogs 5-4 behind stellar center play from Longshore and Herrick. Ex USMC Fraser giving up about 125 lbs goes "toe to toe" with the Golaith Bulldog Defensman. Nice work.
7/16 HAW Update: no show but Spicy Catsup, Mustard, and Hot linx!!!!!
Tory Donning the Priced Helmut for MVP
Note: HAW = Hot Asian Wife
Friday, June 30, 2006
6/30/06 Da Bing and the number 3 (Dedicated to Mangler, his wife and his faithful staff)
Lets catch up on the last two games:
6/22 vs Grey Hounds
Pigs out duel the defending champs by a score of 2-1. It only took the greyhounds :24 seconds to score however over the course of the game the Hounds racked up a mind boggling 13 penalties and found themselves short handed much of the game. A few timely goals from the tori and jack jr (not to be confused with Jack Sr) and the Pigs came out on top 2-1. No Three's here.
6/27 vs United Jets
Pigs dominate out shooting the Jets 45 -13. Final tally was an 8-2 victory. GM Jack 'Mangler' Mangan's free agent acquisitions proving too powerful even for a squad of former United Airline pilots. Teri, Jack Jr, Pitty accounting for 6 of the 8 goals...even Jack Sr found the back of the net late in the 1st period. Pigs had displayed some sloppy bench work and need to work out a few personel issues. GM Jack Sr. will have a soprano's style sit down with select players to discuss. Should note while Mangler and Lemon were racking up all the "offense" on defense the tandem of Tall MF Gary/Kid quietly posted a fat zero goals against. Pigs improve overall to 4-2. Again no Three's here.
The Sit Down (at the Bing)
To all Jack's staff I'm sure they have had this experience. While he is Irish and not Italian I recommend never taking him up on an offer to go for a boat ride (remember what happened to "big pussy" in the 4th season of Soprano's). Jack please let us know how the "sit down" went and if you have resolved all the personnel issues. No three's here either.
Three's:
I heard on Emeril Live last night that Asians consider the number 3 lucky (source: Yan Can Cook). Mangler: need you to consult the Oracle...your sweet wife. Better yet bring her to the game on Sunday!
Lets catch up on the last two games:
6/22 vs Grey Hounds
Pigs out duel the defending champs by a score of 2-1. It only took the greyhounds :24 seconds to score however over the course of the game the Hounds racked up a mind boggling 13 penalties and found themselves short handed much of the game. A few timely goals from the tori and jack jr (not to be confused with Jack Sr) and the Pigs came out on top 2-1. No Three's here.
6/27 vs United Jets
Pigs dominate out shooting the Jets 45 -13. Final tally was an 8-2 victory. GM Jack 'Mangler' Mangan's free agent acquisitions proving too powerful even for a squad of former United Airline pilots. Teri, Jack Jr, Pitty accounting for 6 of the 8 goals...even Jack Sr found the back of the net late in the 1st period. Pigs had displayed some sloppy bench work and need to work out a few personel issues. GM Jack Sr. will have a soprano's style sit down with select players to discuss. Should note while Mangler and Lemon were racking up all the "offense" on defense the tandem of Tall MF Gary/Kid quietly posted a fat zero goals against. Pigs improve overall to 4-2. Again no Three's here.
The Sit Down (at the Bing)
To all Jack's staff I'm sure they have had this experience. While he is Irish and not Italian I recommend never taking him up on an offer to go for a boat ride (remember what happened to "big pussy" in the 4th season of Soprano's). Jack please let us know how the "sit down" went and if you have resolved all the personnel issues. No three's here either.
Three's:
I heard on Emeril Live last night that Asians consider the number 3 lucky (source: Yan Can Cook). Mangler: need you to consult the Oracle...your sweet wife. Better yet bring her to the game on Sunday!
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
6/15/06
There a few things out of place last Thursday night when the Pigs fell to vVault 4-2:
1) New Referee (black guy...not getting all racial here...just identifying). Dino...any comments on his officiating?
2) Captain Mac not at the game. Instead he was home icing his balls due to a recent Vasectomy.
3) Fast Eddy's been replaced with a more environmentally friendly and courteous gentleman named "Inspiration" Mike. We gotta get this guy working our bench.
4) Jimmy's seems to be loosing Thursday night business to the nightclub down the street. If Oakland PD didn't roll the Pigs and the team drinking beers next to us would have been outnumbered by natives 3-1. Normally this would not be an issue however Fraser was not in the house.
There a few things out of place last Thursday night when the Pigs fell to vVault 4-2:
1) New Referee (black guy...not getting all racial here...just identifying). Dino...any comments on his officiating?
2) Captain Mac not at the game. Instead he was home icing his balls due to a recent Vasectomy.
3) Fast Eddy's been replaced with a more environmentally friendly and courteous gentleman named "Inspiration" Mike. We gotta get this guy working our bench.
4) Jimmy's seems to be loosing Thursday night business to the nightclub down the street. If Oakland PD didn't roll the Pigs and the team drinking beers next to us would have been outnumbered by natives 3-1. Normally this would not be an issue however Fraser was not in the house.
Friday, June 09, 2006
6.6.06 Best Week Ever
We knew the week of 6.6.06 was going to be interesting however we had no idea it would turn out to be the BEST WEEK EVER. Before the game we were all pumped cause our Canadian brothers nabbed those 17 terrorists on 6.05.06. You see we have a significant number of Canadians on our roster so management has to pretend to get excited when the royal mounted police bag a few bad guys. To the US it's simple...racially profile and call it day...Canadians see things differntly and wait for the fuckers to almost blow something up before stepping in. Whatever...good score...yeah Canada. So 6.6.06 the Pigs are matched up against the Edge...good, tough, physical team we've been playing against for almost 8 years now. Not to understate the achievements of the Canadian government but Pig GM and Grillmeister Manager made a score of his own by signing a strong 21 year old LW named Tori (he's Canadian) to a one game contract. Five mintues into the first period Tori finds the back of the net in front of a capacity crowd of 1 (Tori's 38 year old dad). The rest of the game belonged to Mangler's award winning Craig's List acquisitions from 2005, Sodapop and Pit. Did I mention that Jeff stopped all 22 shots he faced? Well he did but there will be an asterisk by the game cause he did sacrifice a chicken and was overheard chanting satanic verses prior to the game. Pigs win 4-0 despite missing the presence of long time Pig and Minunte Man, Fraser. Where was he? Shit...only bagging one of the most wanted shits heads of our time...that's right...Fraser was remote and on the ground guiding the boms to Zarqaui's hide-out. Like I said Best Week Ever!
Notes:
>Fast Eddy "snubbed" for the 1st time in the Post Greenspan era
>The "Summer of Gracie" continues as he racked up another 2 pts leading all Defensmen through game 3 with 5 points.
We knew the week of 6.6.06 was going to be interesting however we had no idea it would turn out to be the BEST WEEK EVER. Before the game we were all pumped cause our Canadian brothers nabbed those 17 terrorists on 6.05.06. You see we have a significant number of Canadians on our roster so management has to pretend to get excited when the royal mounted police bag a few bad guys. To the US it's simple...racially profile and call it day...Canadians see things differntly and wait for the fuckers to almost blow something up before stepping in. Whatever...good score...yeah Canada. So 6.6.06 the Pigs are matched up against the Edge...good, tough, physical team we've been playing against for almost 8 years now. Not to understate the achievements of the Canadian government but Pig GM and Grillmeister Manager made a score of his own by signing a strong 21 year old LW named Tori (he's Canadian) to a one game contract. Five mintues into the first period Tori finds the back of the net in front of a capacity crowd of 1 (Tori's 38 year old dad). The rest of the game belonged to Mangler's award winning Craig's List acquisitions from 2005, Sodapop and Pit. Did I mention that Jeff stopped all 22 shots he faced? Well he did but there will be an asterisk by the game cause he did sacrifice a chicken and was overheard chanting satanic verses prior to the game. Pigs win 4-0 despite missing the presence of long time Pig and Minunte Man, Fraser. Where was he? Shit...only bagging one of the most wanted shits heads of our time...that's right...Fraser was remote and on the ground guiding the boms to Zarqaui's hide-out. Like I said Best Week Ever!
Notes:
>Fast Eddy "snubbed" for the 1st time in the Post Greenspan era
>The "Summer of Gracie" continues as he racked up another 2 pts leading all Defensmen through game 3 with 5 points.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
5/28/2006: Black Ice, Blood, Firemen, and the guy in the Red Sweater.
Family night started like any other with the stands packed with the Pig faithful cheering on the team against the Black Ice. Pigs drew first blood with Herrick's masterful goal at 13:41. About 3 minutes later the whistle blows as Tall Gary appears slumped over in the far corner...well a pictures worth a thousand words (love the smile).
By the time Oakland fire arrived on the bloody scene the Pigs fireman squad of Lemon, Herrick, and Doyle had assessed the scene, controlled the crowd, and most importantly stablized the patient. For me this was just enough informantion to answer the age old question: "how many fireman should you roster on your ice hockey team"...the answer is 3 (one to supervise, one to prop the leg, and one to control the flow of blood). Good work boys.
While they were scraping TG off the ice, the Kid notices a new member of the Black Ice. The new guy appears to be regular referee in our league sporting a red jersey. Kids all "what the $#@$". The ref says: don't worry he's not that good". Second period Pigs take a 2-0 lead off a Soda-Pop gimme goal. In third period action Pigs dominate yet give up 3 goals with the final goal coming fromt the guy in the red sweater with 4 minutes to play. Pigs lose 3-2.
Good time had by all at Family night. The ride home was nothing but "why was Tall Gary's blood on the ice?", "how come he didn't cry?", etc. Thanks TG! Good times...
Congrats to Minnesota Scott who got married last Wednesday.
Family night started like any other with the stands packed with the Pig faithful cheering on the team against the Black Ice. Pigs drew first blood with Herrick's masterful goal at 13:41. About 3 minutes later the whistle blows as Tall Gary appears slumped over in the far corner...well a pictures worth a thousand words (love the smile).
By the time Oakland fire arrived on the bloody scene the Pigs fireman squad of Lemon, Herrick, and Doyle had assessed the scene, controlled the crowd, and most importantly stablized the patient. For me this was just enough informantion to answer the age old question: "how many fireman should you roster on your ice hockey team"...the answer is 3 (one to supervise, one to prop the leg, and one to control the flow of blood). Good work boys.
While they were scraping TG off the ice, the Kid notices a new member of the Black Ice. The new guy appears to be regular referee in our league sporting a red jersey. Kids all "what the $#@$". The ref says: don't worry he's not that good". Second period Pigs take a 2-0 lead off a Soda-Pop gimme goal. In third period action Pigs dominate yet give up 3 goals with the final goal coming fromt the guy in the red sweater with 4 minutes to play. Pigs lose 3-2.
Good time had by all at Family night. The ride home was nothing but "why was Tall Gary's blood on the ice?", "how come he didn't cry?", etc. Thanks TG! Good times...
Congrats to Minnesota Scott who got married last Wednesday.
Friday, May 26, 2006
May 23, 2006 (Oakland, CA)
Pigs opened up the 2006 season with a 6-2 win over the Black Dogs. Known as the best position player on the pigs since Koz, Kid got things rolling with a timely position driven turnover and breakout pass to Pittsberg who did all the hard work scoring the 1st goal of the summer session. The rest of the game was academic with guys like Gracie, SodaPop, Dino, Longshore, Mike and Mac posting the balance. More impressive than Goalie Jeff's 1st assist in 6 seasons was Longshore's roof job one timer. "That's exactly how I got my wife pregnant" exlaimed a pumped Longshore after the goal marking his first point in almost 9 months.
Family Night Travel Advisory for Sunday May, 28: A death gesture was given to Captain McClure on 5/23 by a local Oakland native in the Ice Center parking lot al la Harry Conick Jr's character in the 1995 classic "Copycat." Mac crapped his pants but cleaned up nicely after the game.
Pigs opened up the 2006 season with a 6-2 win over the Black Dogs. Known as the best position player on the pigs since Koz, Kid got things rolling with a timely position driven turnover and breakout pass to Pittsberg who did all the hard work scoring the 1st goal of the summer session. The rest of the game was academic with guys like Gracie, SodaPop, Dino, Longshore, Mike and Mac posting the balance. More impressive than Goalie Jeff's 1st assist in 6 seasons was Longshore's roof job one timer. "That's exactly how I got my wife pregnant" exlaimed a pumped Longshore after the goal marking his first point in almost 9 months.
Family Night Travel Advisory for Sunday May, 28: A death gesture was given to Captain McClure on 5/23 by a local Oakland native in the Ice Center parking lot al la Harry Conick Jr's character in the 1995 classic "Copycat." Mac crapped his pants but cleaned up nicely after the game.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Pigs Start Season with a bye!!!!
With the warm weather upon us the Puck Pigs anxiously awaited the start of a new summer season. Unfortunately they would be forced to watch hockey instead of play it with the unfortunate double whammy schedule hang up. See email below for the low down.
Let's just say it runs in the family. Way to go Mama Dino!
________
From: Steve [mailto:steve@3rdbase.com]
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2006 10:18 PM
To: Emery Lykins
Subject: RE: Schedule
Puck Pigs had the bye in wk 1 and a sunday game in wk 2, which was bumped (5/14 is an off day for Mothers Day) . Bad luck there
-Steve Paltiel
From: Emery Lykins [mailto:emeryl@oaklandice.com]
Sent: Sun 5/7/2006 2:04 PM
To: Steve
Cc: 'Kent McClure'
Subject: Schedule
Steve,
I’m just wondering why the Puck Pigs in Silver A do not have a game until the 23rd? Most teams have 2 or 3 games in by that time…..
emery
Friday, April 21, 2006
Monday, April 03, 2006
4/3/06: Pigs lost in the Fog
Dreams of the Cup, banners, and mullets ended abruptly Sunday night as the Fog shellacked the Pigs 6-1 in the 1st round of the 2005-2006 playoffs. Outshot 41 to 26 the Pigs played most of the game in their own end. "I felt like a zombie" stammered Sodapop Scott who spent more time shooting a low budget horror film than shooting the puck on Sunday. Not all was lost on the night as the team posed for on ice pictures after the game for the hungry Pig fans (Tall MF Gary's Dad). The night was capped off with a David Gwortzman sighting. "Gwortzky" was best known as the underapprecitated #4 man on the famous "tunnel rat" line of 1998.
Con Smyth Winner: Goaltender and part time Bavarian Jeff for out of skull play. One of his finest.
See you all in the summer!
kid
Dreams of the Cup, banners, and mullets ended abruptly Sunday night as the Fog shellacked the Pigs 6-1 in the 1st round of the 2005-2006 playoffs. Outshot 41 to 26 the Pigs played most of the game in their own end. "I felt like a zombie" stammered Sodapop Scott who spent more time shooting a low budget horror film than shooting the puck on Sunday. Not all was lost on the night as the team posed for on ice pictures after the game for the hungry Pig fans (Tall MF Gary's Dad). The night was capped off with a David Gwortzman sighting. "Gwortzky" was best known as the underapprecitated #4 man on the famous "tunnel rat" line of 1998.
Con Smyth Winner: Goaltender and part time Bavarian Jeff for out of skull play. One of his finest.
See you all in the summer!
kid
Thursday, March 30, 2006
3/30/06: And so it begins...
Pigs (10-8-2) end up as a #5 seed in a field of 11 teams. 1st Round starts on Sunday (4/2). We are matched up against the #8 Fog (9-10-1). We were 0-2 against these fuckers in the regular season. As such Mac wanted me to mention that there will be no sex allowed within 48 hours of the game. He says we need our legs. Apparently this rule will be no problem for Dino. Game starts at 9:45. See you there.
kid
Pigs (10-8-2) end up as a #5 seed in a field of 11 teams. 1st Round starts on Sunday (4/2). We are matched up against the #8 Fog (9-10-1). We were 0-2 against these fuckers in the regular season. As such Mac wanted me to mention that there will be no sex allowed within 48 hours of the game. He says we need our legs. Apparently this rule will be no problem for Dino. Game starts at 9:45. See you there.
kid
Friday, March 24, 2006
3/24/06: Pigs Close Down the 2005-06 Regular Season with a 4-3 win over the Edge
The Pigs of Oakland took one step closer to the cup late Thursday night with a huge short bench win over the hated Edge. Down 0-2 early the Pigs rallied behind 3 Mac goals to eventually put this one away 4-3 (Herrick's goal was pretty nice and I do have to give a shout out to Minnesota Scott's world class screen on Mac's #3). For the season the Pigs end up 10-8-2 and likely locking up the #6 seed entering the playoffs.
Fast Eddy Update: He did not get any pussy last week however still has a hard on from the Viagra Mangler provided.
2005-2006 Awards
Each year, writers and the Pig Players Association recognizes the players. Here are the 2005-2006 results:
Jack Adams: This award is for the best coach. Winner: David Greenspan for his "brokback" style and contribution during the 2005 part of the season. This is David's first Adams award after coaching the team for 7 years.
Georges Vezina: This award is for the best goalie. Winner: Jeff. With only an 88% save percentage Jeff wins cause he's our only goaltender...and for taking time off to drink beers in Bavaria at the tail end of the season.
Heart: This award is for the team MVP. Winner: Mac not only for leading the team in goals (12), assists (15), and pts (27) but for a constant supply of internet porn. Thanks Mac. You are a man of the people!
Bill Masterton Memorial: This award is given to the player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey. Winner: Dino. The guy never gives up (except last night after Mac's third goal Dino gave up hope for regaining the pig season scoring title).
Lester B. Pearson: This award is for the most outstanding player. Winner: The early nod was for Pittsburg Justin however with only 8 games played his 1.5 PPG isn't representative. As such, this years Pearson goes to Mike, the Czech boys, Marsella, Mo, Obus, and all the other subs we had throughout the year.
Calder: Most proficient in 1st year on the Pigs. Winner: Minnesota Scott. Sota had a breakout year bringing tons of goals(9), PIMs(16), assists(6), fans(25), beers(36), and cheers(16dB).
Da Byng: Gentleman. Winner: Lemon who finished with zero PIMs and spat up blood. Nice work.
Maurice Richard. Top Goal scorer. Winner: Mac (12)
Selke: Forward who best excels in the defensive aspects of the game. Winner: Herrick. Thanks for skating back. "it's never to late to get back on D".
King Clancy: Player who best exempifies leadership qualities on and off the ice and has made noteworthy humanitarian contributions. Winner: Mangler for taking care of the grill, the team, and giving fast eddy viagra and beer. Interestingly enough Mangler finished atop the heap in PIMs (34).
Norris: Defensive player who demonstrates the greatest all-around ability. Winner: Gracie is the clear winner despite his line mate(Kid) getting the glory leading all defensemen with 6 goals and a +25, game film revealed it was Gracie's greatness that set it all up.
Ross: Pts leader. Winner: Fucking Mac (27)
Conn Smythe: MVP of the playoffs...Winner: Who's gonna step up????
The Pigs of Oakland took one step closer to the cup late Thursday night with a huge short bench win over the hated Edge. Down 0-2 early the Pigs rallied behind 3 Mac goals to eventually put this one away 4-3 (Herrick's goal was pretty nice and I do have to give a shout out to Minnesota Scott's world class screen on Mac's #3). For the season the Pigs end up 10-8-2 and likely locking up the #6 seed entering the playoffs.
Fast Eddy Update: He did not get any pussy last week however still has a hard on from the Viagra Mangler provided.
2005-2006 Awards
Each year, writers and the Pig Players Association recognizes the players. Here are the 2005-2006 results:
Jack Adams: This award is for the best coach. Winner: David Greenspan for his "brokback" style and contribution during the 2005 part of the season. This is David's first Adams award after coaching the team for 7 years.
Georges Vezina: This award is for the best goalie. Winner: Jeff. With only an 88% save percentage Jeff wins cause he's our only goaltender...and for taking time off to drink beers in Bavaria at the tail end of the season.
Heart: This award is for the team MVP. Winner: Mac not only for leading the team in goals (12), assists (15), and pts (27) but for a constant supply of internet porn. Thanks Mac. You are a man of the people!
Bill Masterton Memorial: This award is given to the player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey. Winner: Dino. The guy never gives up (except last night after Mac's third goal Dino gave up hope for regaining the pig season scoring title).
Lester B. Pearson: This award is for the most outstanding player. Winner: The early nod was for Pittsburg Justin however with only 8 games played his 1.5 PPG isn't representative. As such, this years Pearson goes to Mike, the Czech boys, Marsella, Mo, Obus, and all the other subs we had throughout the year.
Calder: Most proficient in 1st year on the Pigs. Winner: Minnesota Scott. Sota had a breakout year bringing tons of goals(9), PIMs(16), assists(6), fans(25), beers(36), and cheers(16dB).
Da Byng: Gentleman. Winner: Lemon who finished with zero PIMs and spat up blood. Nice work.
Maurice Richard. Top Goal scorer. Winner: Mac (12)
Selke: Forward who best excels in the defensive aspects of the game. Winner: Herrick. Thanks for skating back. "it's never to late to get back on D".
King Clancy: Player who best exempifies leadership qualities on and off the ice and has made noteworthy humanitarian contributions. Winner: Mangler for taking care of the grill, the team, and giving fast eddy viagra and beer. Interestingly enough Mangler finished atop the heap in PIMs (34).
Norris: Defensive player who demonstrates the greatest all-around ability. Winner: Gracie is the clear winner despite his line mate(Kid) getting the glory leading all defensemen with 6 goals and a +25, game film revealed it was Gracie's greatness that set it all up.
Ross: Pts leader. Winner: Fucking Mac (27)
Conn Smythe: MVP of the playoffs...Winner: Who's gonna step up????
Monday, March 20, 2006
3/19: Pigs Tie 1-1, Fast Eddy Scores, and the Goiter Returns
Pigs peppered the Bulldogs with 56 shots on net (probably an additional 56 shots near net) yet only come away with 1 goal and a tie. "Check out my leg...the Goiters back" mired Rosie after the game in reference to the puck sized growth on his ankle. We've never been better positioned for the playoff run. Greenie...do you have any pointers for Rosie on how to get the Goiter to perform on the ice?
After the game Fast Eddy scored more than just the usual few bucks from the Pig players. Tonight he scored a few wine coolers and planned to parlay them into more than just the usual. "You got another one of these? I need these to get some pussy." "Anyone got viagra...at 53 I need some help!". Well from the look on Eddy's face I think he scored. Mangler...get this man some equipment...we could use him on the ice!
Fast Eddie gets a pair of adult beverages and a Viagra!!! The result???
Pigs peppered the Bulldogs with 56 shots on net (probably an additional 56 shots near net) yet only come away with 1 goal and a tie. "Check out my leg...the Goiters back" mired Rosie after the game in reference to the puck sized growth on his ankle. We've never been better positioned for the playoff run. Greenie...do you have any pointers for Rosie on how to get the Goiter to perform on the ice?
After the game Fast Eddy scored more than just the usual few bucks from the Pig players. Tonight he scored a few wine coolers and planned to parlay them into more than just the usual. "You got another one of these? I need these to get some pussy." "Anyone got viagra...at 53 I need some help!". Well from the look on Eddy's face I think he scored. Mangler...get this man some equipment...we could use him on the ice!
Fast Eddie gets a pair of adult beverages and a Viagra!!! The result???
Monday, March 13, 2006
Aprile the Goalie found in
In a desperate effort to find a goalie for Sunday's Pigs game an all points bulletin was put out to search for a steady net minder. Ultimately Lemon's friend was found and was able to tend net admirably.
However in a more bizarre and shocking result, the long lost goaltender Richard Aprile was found playing his usual style in
Let’s hope he still attends his anger management classes.
Mac.
Ps. If you watch closely about half way through the video I'll swear you see Greenie in a white lab coat trying to calm everyone down.
3/12: Eight wasn't Enough as the Jets routed the Pigs 7-1
Talk of Flo-bies and Mullets wasn't enough to motivate the Pigs to their 10th win of the season as only 8 Pigs showed up to take on the United Jets. "Won't be at the game tonight...good luck guys" was all Herrick, a designated beer bitch for the 3/12 game, could muster via e-mail just hours before the game. Fucker. Anyway here's the Eight Insn't Enough Cast from last night's game:
>Mary - Mangler. This bitch was tough as nails on the show and probably best aligns with Mangler's "senior" status
.
>David - Lemon. I think there was an episode where David, despite his macho exterier, got hurt and spat up some blood.
>Joanie - Rosie. Always coming up with brilliant ideas like "let's give Kid a mullet."
>Nancy - Kid. Kinda clumsy on the ice but hot w/ tons of flowing blonde hair!
>Elizabeth - Fraser. Elizabeth like Fraser was into strange hats with "Greenie" likenesses (not shown here).
>Suzen - Dino. She married Merle the Pearl...Merle and Dino are two peas in a a pod
>Tommy - Minnesota. Fiesty...always mixing it up with the authorities.
>Nicholas - Mac. Doppelgangers.
Friday, March 10, 2006
United Jets on Deck for Sunday 3/12
Test your on ice skills by playing this off ice game called Brad. A guarenteed Hat Trick to those scoring more than 18,444 pts. Good luck. Post your scores in the comments section.
Kid
Test your on ice skills by playing this off ice game called Brad. A guarenteed Hat Trick to those scoring more than 18,444 pts. Good luck. Post your scores in the comments section.
Kid
Monday, March 06, 2006
3/6/06: Grateful Dead, Gay Cowboys, Tall Gary, and less...
Behind 53 shots on net the Pigs were able to pick up a 7-3 victory over the visiting Bulldogs last night in Oakland. The Pigs scoring was lead by Minnesota Scott who said in retrospect of his first Pig hat trick "all I really wanted was that 'Steal Your Puck' t-shirt." The Pig opponents really didn't put up much resistance to the Shock & Awe tactics employed by Pig Captain Mac who chipped in a pair of red lights. "I really wanted Brokeback Mountain to win" whimpered Bulldog captain #75, the 265 pounder whoes playing style has been paralleled with that of a beached whale (for more information on why some whales beach themselves see Darwin). It was that kind of night...the kind of night where Oscar snubbed the homosexual goliath in favor of hate, the kind of night where Tall Gary showed up, the kind of night where Dino forgot the meat, the kind of night where Fraser forgot the beer, the kind of night where Mrs. Mangler called to remind him not to fondle team-mates in the shower (again), the kind of night where Pittsburg Justin couldn't find a Bart Station or a mullet, the kind of night where the last three Pigs felt safe to drink one last beer in Oakland despite the recent murders. All in all good times.
This is the guy who didn't bring the meat!
Another Look at Family Night...Team McClure could be tough to beat in 2013. Fast Eddy is willing to coach.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Bring Back Andre!!!
Aside from his outstanding scoring skills (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andre_Lacroix_%28hockey%29,) the flying frenchman knew how to run a mean Pick -up league in Oakland!!!! May he rest in peace.
Aside from his outstanding scoring skills (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andre_Lacroix_%28hockey%29,) the flying frenchman knew how to run a mean Pick -up league in Oakland!!!! May he rest in peace.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Jenna Jameson is HOT!!!!!
Ok that one is for the Kid.....Give the Lem a second to recover. The Pigs in their pursuit for immortality have gotten one step closer. After a hard fought battle on Sunday they have sealed up 4th in the Silver A standings. The Pigs came out gunning in the 4-2 win. " I couldn't believe my eye" Kid was quoted in a post game wrap on The Savage Nation. "My boys went out there without me and stood tall." Was there ever a doubt? Kid was sorely missed on the Blueline but Rosey stepped up banging one in from the blueline. "That had some heat on it and I wasn't getting in front of that" Dino told Mac. Rosey almost the winner of the PIG with his attempted alley OOP but Dino took home the POG with 2 beauties. " I thought I had him hooked up for his 3rd but it just rang off the iron" Herrick told Greenspan via conference call from Torino. The Grizzlies made it a game with 2 breakaways that caught the Lem and Rosey sleeping. Mangler and Frazier did their part with Mangler getting a double minor for being someone who was just as interested in the PUCK as the next guy. "Are you out of your Friggin mind, he has just as much right to Puck as Fast Eddy has to a free night sleep" the Captain was heard telling "Lurch" the elder ref of the nights game. The Pigs managed to show that they can handle the puck in the offensive zone. Minnesota quarterbacked a 5 on 3 that spanned almost 2 minutes in the zone. "We had our chances but just didn't get the breaks" Sota told K Rose benchside. After the final horn the Pigs were treated to all sorts of meats provided by K Rose and family. " How bout those John Holmes sausages" Mangler was quoted grillside. The family day at the rink was one for the ages and will be remebered by all. " I have never seen so many kids at one game" Fast Eddy was heard telling Mangler. Yes we had our fan base and yes we gave them a show. Now take these next 3 weeks and get ready for the final stretch. The playoffs are just around the corner and this time the Pigs will hoist the banner. One last thing, is it possible that the Kid will not lead in PIM's? In a phone interview after the game with the Lem Kid was quoted "if I can get my 2 year old to show me some steel cage match moves like the one she threw on me then maybe just maybe I can make up some lost ground on the Mangler."
Monday, February 13, 2006
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Pigs add new player!!!!
Emortal Elders meet again and decide to add new player to the Puck Pigs!!! Please welcome Billy Batson to our team. His special skills should help our power-play. The best part is he has his own motorhome so we can finally organize a trip to Vegas with Marsella!
http://www.retrojunk.com/details_tvshows/462-shazam/
Mac.
Emortal Elders meet again and decide to add new player to the Puck Pigs!!! Please welcome Billy Batson to our team. His special skills should help our power-play. The best part is he has his own motorhome so we can finally organize a trip to Vegas with Marsella!
http://www.retrojunk.com/details_tvshows/462-shazam/
Mac.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Big Dubya for the Mighty Pigs
So the Kid has let the Lem handle this weeks posting. Gotta say I am no where near the literary icon as the Kid but hey we have to learn to crawl before we can walk right? Well as usual the Mighty Pig Nation was on hand thanks to PG's folks rolling in from Calgary. "You call that hockey, I call that a nail biter" touted Father PG. "I thought I was looking at the Flames out there on a Stanley Cup run" Mother PG was quoted telling the Daily News in Calgary. "The boys really showed me something out there tonight" goaltender Jeff was heard telling his wife via cellphone. Some of the Pigs gotta a little down early thinking that Jeff thought we might be playing shuffleboard as opposed to ice hockey. He will be the first to tell you that a few got by that should have been saved. "I think he just got confused out there being the net was moved up about 5 feet" quoted Minnesota. Where was Pittsburgh? Oh yeah basking in the glow of the Bus' man sauce. Justin was MIA on Sunday but after a group vote the Pigs decided to let him play on Sunday vs. the Grizzy Horseman with no fine to be incurred except maybe some Fast Eddy money. After a dismal 2 periods the Pigs finally found a way with an inspiring talk from team captain Mac. "You can do it" echoed the Points leader for the Pigs. The Pigs took advantage of a 5 on 3 and Rosey buried it early. "That got the party started" Herrick said. "The Mangler was doing his best Bobby Orr impersonation by posting a pair of assists" K Rose was heard telling the Lem Q side. Now if the Pigs could remember to bring their A game on the 12th this could be the run of all runs heading into the playoffs. The Pigs are hoping that the one month layoff following Sundays game will be the spark and road to healing that they need. One thing to keep in mind though all you faithful Pig followers....The Kid may seem quiet and peaceful on the exterior but boy can he pack a wallup. I counted 3 beheadings Al-Quaida style in the first period alone. Be safe my Swine and see you for family day at the arena on Sunday.
Goaltender Jeff earns the first PIG award for his Bill Buckner ole in the 1st period. Congrats!
So the Kid has let the Lem handle this weeks posting. Gotta say I am no where near the literary icon as the Kid but hey we have to learn to crawl before we can walk right? Well as usual the Mighty Pig Nation was on hand thanks to PG's folks rolling in from Calgary. "You call that hockey, I call that a nail biter" touted Father PG. "I thought I was looking at the Flames out there on a Stanley Cup run" Mother PG was quoted telling the Daily News in Calgary. "The boys really showed me something out there tonight" goaltender Jeff was heard telling his wife via cellphone. Some of the Pigs gotta a little down early thinking that Jeff thought we might be playing shuffleboard as opposed to ice hockey. He will be the first to tell you that a few got by that should have been saved. "I think he just got confused out there being the net was moved up about 5 feet" quoted Minnesota. Where was Pittsburgh? Oh yeah basking in the glow of the Bus' man sauce. Justin was MIA on Sunday but after a group vote the Pigs decided to let him play on Sunday vs. the Grizzy Horseman with no fine to be incurred except maybe some Fast Eddy money. After a dismal 2 periods the Pigs finally found a way with an inspiring talk from team captain Mac. "You can do it" echoed the Points leader for the Pigs. The Pigs took advantage of a 5 on 3 and Rosey buried it early. "That got the party started" Herrick said. "The Mangler was doing his best Bobby Orr impersonation by posting a pair of assists" K Rose was heard telling the Lem Q side. Now if the Pigs could remember to bring their A game on the 12th this could be the run of all runs heading into the playoffs. The Pigs are hoping that the one month layoff following Sundays game will be the spark and road to healing that they need. One thing to keep in mind though all you faithful Pig followers....The Kid may seem quiet and peaceful on the exterior but boy can he pack a wallup. I counted 3 beheadings Al-Quaida style in the first period alone. Be safe my Swine and see you for family day at the arena on Sunday.
Goaltender Jeff earns the first PIG award for his Bill Buckner ole in the 1st period. Congrats!
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Friday, February 03, 2006
WHAT THE FU@#
Ok here is the deal. The Sharks let the Lem and Mangler down. Did we learn some things.....Yes we did. Get the puck deep early you Sons a bitches. After a few drafts and some Buritos the star pairing of the Mangler and the Lem had a vision....in the words of Mac the Great "Don't waste my speed get it deep early." Mangler and Lem made a pack (no it wasn't an anal pack) to help Mac and the rest of the frontline look good on the stat sheet and we will gain the blueline and let you fools run under it. Dino was heard saying "show me don't tell me." I hope he means that about sending the puck in not the size of the Lem's hole after a pseudo pounding by Mangler(see Kids attachment).
On a more serios note my Pig Nation Swine I think it is time to rebirth an old friend....We need throwback jersey night. I am in favor of doing this the following game. Might be just the kick we need. More to follow and remember to always use the force.
Ok here is the deal. The Sharks let the Lem and Mangler down. Did we learn some things.....Yes we did. Get the puck deep early you Sons a bitches. After a few drafts and some Buritos the star pairing of the Mangler and the Lem had a vision....in the words of Mac the Great "Don't waste my speed get it deep early." Mangler and Lem made a pack (no it wasn't an anal pack) to help Mac and the rest of the frontline look good on the stat sheet and we will gain the blueline and let you fools run under it. Dino was heard saying "show me don't tell me." I hope he means that about sending the puck in not the size of the Lem's hole after a pseudo pounding by Mangler(see Kids attachment).
On a more serios note my Pig Nation Swine I think it is time to rebirth an old friend....We need throwback jersey night. I am in favor of doing this the following game. Might be just the kick we need. More to follow and remember to always use the force.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
2/2/06 Brokeback Mountain meets the Pigs:
Lemon and Mangler's on the ice relationship taking them to the next level. Here we capture Lemon preparing for his date with Metro Mangler. Congrats guys!
I would also like to Welcome Lemon (AKA AnalBleacher) to the wonderful world of Blogging Pig style. His feature article is below.
Lemon and Mangler's on the ice relationship taking them to the next level. Here we capture Lemon preparing for his date with Metro Mangler. Congrats guys!
I would also like to Welcome Lemon (AKA AnalBleacher) to the wonderful world of Blogging Pig style. His feature article is below.
Mangler and Lem to get some pointers.....
The Lem and Mangler will be following the Platinum Icons this evening at the Tank. The 2 top defensemen are looking to get that oh so needed spark to get the Pigs back to .500 The Mangler has been working on his crossover technique from Cunny Master to Team leader in PIM's. The Lem trying to get Mangler to send out a spread sheet on the do's and don'ts at the blueline but to no avail. After Kate's most inspiring posting to the Pig Nation "the Blue Liners of the Pigs have something to prove" said an undisclosed Pig. "I will make myself known by my play on the ice not off it" said the Kid who guaranteed 2 goals this go round with the Black Dogs.
In other news it is sad to report that the Warriors had to let their top PR man go for "Insensitive e mails" regarding Ghetto Prom. The Pigs hope to bring this man on board as their new equipment manager but contracts have stalled due to the lack of African Americans being represented on the Pigs. One source close to the Pigs said "it is only a matter of time before the Pigs get goal scorer Mo Howell in the line up and when that happens you are gonna see some real magic." Mo has been courted by many other teams and still remains MIA. The word on the street is that Greenspan and his Malibu Wildcats have made a pitch to the stellar forward. Who is next Minnesota and Pittsburgh???? I don't think so.
The Lem and Mangler will be following the Platinum Icons this evening at the Tank. The 2 top defensemen are looking to get that oh so needed spark to get the Pigs back to .500 The Mangler has been working on his crossover technique from Cunny Master to Team leader in PIM's. The Lem trying to get Mangler to send out a spread sheet on the do's and don'ts at the blueline but to no avail. After Kate's most inspiring posting to the Pig Nation "the Blue Liners of the Pigs have something to prove" said an undisclosed Pig. "I will make myself known by my play on the ice not off it" said the Kid who guaranteed 2 goals this go round with the Black Dogs.
In other news it is sad to report that the Warriors had to let their top PR man go for "Insensitive e mails" regarding Ghetto Prom. The Pigs hope to bring this man on board as their new equipment manager but contracts have stalled due to the lack of African Americans being represented on the Pigs. One source close to the Pigs said "it is only a matter of time before the Pigs get goal scorer Mo Howell in the line up and when that happens you are gonna see some real magic." Mo has been courted by many other teams and still remains MIA. The word on the street is that Greenspan and his Malibu Wildcats have made a pitch to the stellar forward. Who is next Minnesota and Pittsburgh???? I don't think so.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
2/1/06: Elders Emerge, Kate Reaches Out to The Pigs
Little Kate McClure addressed the Pig Nation Elders last night in an effort to keep Pig Nation parties alive despite declining on ice performance. Dressed in full Pig regalia her "Win at all cost, loosing is not acceptable!" speech was too much for the Nation Elders and the prohibition motion was rejected. Later, emerging from the secret meeting location, Kate shouted to the press: "Let it rain beer and dogs for all!"
Little Kate McClure addressed the Pig Nation Elders last night in an effort to keep Pig Nation parties alive despite declining on ice performance. Dressed in full Pig regalia her "Win at all cost, loosing is not acceptable!" speech was too much for the Nation Elders and the prohibition motion was rejected. Later, emerging from the secret meeting location, Kate shouted to the press: "Let it rain beer and dogs for all!"
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
1/30/06: Pigs Dip below .500 (6-7-1)
In the midst of a 2 game slide the Pigs had little to be excited about after loosing to the Fog 8-5 last night. "It’s Kate’s fault…I told her she had to do her homework if she wanted to come to the game" said Mac about his 8 year old daughter Kate who was supposed to attend Pig Family night. Apparently Kate didn’t finish her book report on time and kept the entire McClure clan at home. “Rules are rules.” Mac turned in his performance of the year having a hand in 4 of the 5 Pig goals including a hat trick. Mac pointing the finger towards his own flesh and blood largely in part due to Pig Family night’s past. Seems Mac turns in superhuman performances when his family shows up. In 2004 he logged 25 penalty minutes for his girls. In 2002 he had a 5 goal night to the delight of his cheering wife. With a tear in his eye Mac left the locker room and said with Schindler eloquence: “If only she finished that diorama I could have scored 7 goals.”
Family Night 2006: Tough to set a new attendance record when Mo doesn’t bring his wife and 5 boys however a good turn out nonetheless. Thanks to all the wives, girlfriends and kids for supporting the team. Props to Obus for the off ice hat trick (Beer, Meat, Fast Eddy). Lemon for the table, grill, and sweet 50s style hat. Finally to Jeff’s wife for untangling those balloons!
In the midst of a 2 game slide the Pigs had little to be excited about after loosing to the Fog 8-5 last night. "It’s Kate’s fault…I told her she had to do her homework if she wanted to come to the game" said Mac about his 8 year old daughter Kate who was supposed to attend Pig Family night. Apparently Kate didn’t finish her book report on time and kept the entire McClure clan at home. “Rules are rules.” Mac turned in his performance of the year having a hand in 4 of the 5 Pig goals including a hat trick. Mac pointing the finger towards his own flesh and blood largely in part due to Pig Family night’s past. Seems Mac turns in superhuman performances when his family shows up. In 2004 he logged 25 penalty minutes for his girls. In 2002 he had a 5 goal night to the delight of his cheering wife. With a tear in his eye Mac left the locker room and said with Schindler eloquence: “If only she finished that diorama I could have scored 7 goals.”
Family Night 2006: Tough to set a new attendance record when Mo doesn’t bring his wife and 5 boys however a good turn out nonetheless. Thanks to all the wives, girlfriends and kids for supporting the team. Props to Obus for the off ice hat trick (Beer, Meat, Fast Eddy). Lemon for the table, grill, and sweet 50s style hat. Finally to Jeff’s wife for untangling those balloons!
Friday, January 27, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
1/23/06: Pigs Played by the Black Ice, 4-1
1/29/06 (Sunday): Fog @ Pigs 5:15
Bitches: Obus, Minnesota, Mac
Fast: Obus
Meat: Obus
Despite a capacity crowd (thanks Minnesota for the fan) the Pigs were played. "I gave it an uber effort just felt a bit constrained on the ice " said long time Pig and recent Swiss National Obus after clanging the iron late in the third. Seems this was in reference to an undersized athletic supporter issued by Equipment Manager Jack Mangler to the European All Star prior to the game. In the end only ShutterTrippin Minnesota Scott was able find the back of the net.
After licking our wounds we headed to the parking lot and were treated to foot longs and Stella Artois. The key note address was delivered by the Lem: "Foreplay Myths: Why Two in the Pink and One in the Stink may not yield the results heterosexual men espouce" (source: ancecdotal lesbian accounts and lesbian oral demonstration techniques as witnessed by #6, Lemon).
Next Game: Family Night...wives, girlfriends, kids welcome...1/29/06 (Sunday): Fog @ Pigs 5:15
Bitches: Obus, Minnesota, Mac
Fast: Obus
Meat: Obus
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
1/19: Coz, Pigs down Greyhounds 4-2
Cinderella Story: In a story that spans three continents, two religions, and one poltergiest the Pigs Pigs defeate the goliath Greyhounds in what will rank in the top 5 Pig victories of all time.
We start in North America, T minus 2:00 hours to game time and all the 6th place Pigs could muster muster is 5 skaters (Mangler, Kid, Dino, PittsBurg Justin, & Minnesota Scott) to line up against the mighty 1st place Greyhounds. With his sweet (and hot) asian wife listening in, Pigs General Manager Mangler pics up his cell phone, steps out on the porch (reception issues) and starts recruiting. 1st call: Tall MF Gary...answering machine says"wine me, dine me, 69 me." Mangler turns to his wife and says "fuck...who can we call wife...the Pigs need you...think woman." Think she did! "Call that badass Czech muthafucker I went to High School with...he can send the non-English speaking T-bore and perhaps another." After a few minutes of cell phone magic Mangler shouts: "Hot damn wife! We now have 7 Pigs...and if Dino can secure the services of "Mike" we've got ourselves a team and you my dear just earned a week of Cunny!"
T minus :20 mintues to game time the locker room is dark, damp, and filled with dread as Pigs Mangler, Kid, Jeff and Justin wonder where the Czechs, Minnesota and Dino are. "Has anyone seen Tall MF Gary?" With that in walks Tbore, his friend, and the interpretor that went to school with Manglers wife. "We're Here". Soon after Mike and Minnesota show up...no Dino (he showed up a few minutes later giving us the strenght of 8). As the seven of us exit the locker room the Kid asks that we take a moment of silence.
T minus :30 seconds to the puck drop Team Captain Dino takes charge "who's on Defense?" "Kid and Mangler"..."ok cool then, 2 lines up!"
1st Period:
T plus 1:30 mintues: Kid comes to the bench..."we need a third defensemen...my dogs are tired."
T plus 7:32 mintues: Greyhounds score on a power play goal and take a 1-0 lead.
T plus 12:12 minutes: Greyhounds score on a power play goal and take a 2-0 lead. "Let's run up the score" one Greyhound shouts to his team mates
Dino/Jeff address the team in between periods...something like "Where the fuck is tall Gary".
2nd Period:
T plus 8:58 minutes: Number 15 Grayhounds takes a run at the Kid and gets a roughing call in our defensive zone. Mike says to him "someone is getting tired"...seems the 8 Pig skaters start to take control by playing position, passing, and puck pressure. Moments later Mike burries a goal...Pigs trail 2 to 1 yet completely dominate possession, shots, and scoring chances.
3rd Period:
T plus :40 seconds: Minnesota Scott with a tripple deek...we're all locked up at 2's.
T plus 3:58 minutes: Minnesota Scott roofs one...Pigs lead 3-2.
T plus 12:01 minutes: Dino unholsters his 45, descends into the tunnel and flushes out "Charlie" with a back breaker...Pigs lead 4-2.
Horn sounds...Pigs win 4-2 in an amazing game!
After the game Mangler asks the kid..."what was with the moment of silence"..."Coz...we needed a 9th skater so the best I could do was invoke the spirit of the best position playing Pig of all time...Coz!
Hell of a game fellas!
Anyone heard from Tall MF Gary?
Next Game: 1/24/06 (Sunday)
Pigs @ Black Ice (oly)
Bitches: Kid, Jeff, Herrick
Meat Puppet: Lemon (roll over as grill was cancelled due to rain)
Fast Eddy: Rosey
Cinderella Story: In a story that spans three continents, two religions, and one poltergiest the Pigs Pigs defeate the goliath Greyhounds in what will rank in the top 5 Pig victories of all time.
We start in North America, T minus 2:00 hours to game time and all the 6th place Pigs could muster muster is 5 skaters (Mangler, Kid, Dino, PittsBurg Justin, & Minnesota Scott) to line up against the mighty 1st place Greyhounds. With his sweet (and hot) asian wife listening in, Pigs General Manager Mangler pics up his cell phone, steps out on the porch (reception issues) and starts recruiting. 1st call: Tall MF Gary...answering machine says"wine me, dine me, 69 me." Mangler turns to his wife and says "fuck...who can we call wife...the Pigs need you...think woman." Think she did! "Call that badass Czech muthafucker I went to High School with...he can send the non-English speaking T-bore and perhaps another." After a few minutes of cell phone magic Mangler shouts: "Hot damn wife! We now have 7 Pigs...and if Dino can secure the services of "Mike" we've got ourselves a team and you my dear just earned a week of Cunny!"
T minus :20 mintues to game time the locker room is dark, damp, and filled with dread as Pigs Mangler, Kid, Jeff and Justin wonder where the Czechs, Minnesota and Dino are. "Has anyone seen Tall MF Gary?" With that in walks Tbore, his friend, and the interpretor that went to school with Manglers wife. "We're Here". Soon after Mike and Minnesota show up...no Dino (he showed up a few minutes later giving us the strenght of 8). As the seven of us exit the locker room the Kid asks that we take a moment of silence.
T minus :30 seconds to the puck drop Team Captain Dino takes charge "who's on Defense?" "Kid and Mangler"..."ok cool then, 2 lines up!"
1st Period:
T plus 1:30 mintues: Kid comes to the bench..."we need a third defensemen...my dogs are tired."
T plus 7:32 mintues: Greyhounds score on a power play goal and take a 1-0 lead.
T plus 12:12 minutes: Greyhounds score on a power play goal and take a 2-0 lead. "Let's run up the score" one Greyhound shouts to his team mates
Dino/Jeff address the team in between periods...something like "Where the fuck is tall Gary".
2nd Period:
T plus 8:58 minutes: Number 15 Grayhounds takes a run at the Kid and gets a roughing call in our defensive zone. Mike says to him "someone is getting tired"...seems the 8 Pig skaters start to take control by playing position, passing, and puck pressure. Moments later Mike burries a goal...Pigs trail 2 to 1 yet completely dominate possession, shots, and scoring chances.
3rd Period:
T plus :40 seconds: Minnesota Scott with a tripple deek...we're all locked up at 2's.
T plus 3:58 minutes: Minnesota Scott roofs one...Pigs lead 3-2.
T plus 12:01 minutes: Dino unholsters his 45, descends into the tunnel and flushes out "Charlie" with a back breaker...Pigs lead 4-2.
Horn sounds...Pigs win 4-2 in an amazing game!
After the game Mangler asks the kid..."what was with the moment of silence"..."Coz...we needed a 9th skater so the best I could do was invoke the spirit of the best position playing Pig of all time...Coz!
Hell of a game fellas!
Anyone heard from Tall MF Gary?
Next Game: 1/24/06 (Sunday)
Pigs @ Black Ice (oly)
Bitches: Kid, Jeff, Herrick
Meat Puppet: Lemon (roll over as grill was cancelled due to rain)
Fast Eddy: Rosey
Friday, January 13, 2006
Pigs Lose 3-0 to Mavericks: Greenspan Diplomacy to blame
In a move simply known as "Greenspan Diplomacy" the Pigs volunteered to change jerseys from Black to White prior to the initial puck drop in order to accommodate the needs to our dark Blue only opponents. It seems the Pigs willingness to bend over backwards as a means of allowing the visiting team to feel "comfortable" was instrumental in the Mavericks 2nd period assault accounting for all three of their goals in a span of 1:47. "We knew once they agreed to change sweaters after we told em' we only had dark Blue that they were soft. Given the right circumstances we knew we could exploit and win the game" an unidentified Maverick reported after the game. Even the Referee's were overheard between periods "changing jerseys is for pussies." Recent illegal wiretapping and has revealed that ex pig Coach Greenspan has been clandestinely leading the Mavericks since week 3 and instructed the team to only sport the dark Blue jerseys as a means to undermine Pig confidence.
Pig Ears:
*Pigs level off to 5-5-1 after a tough loss. The return of Mo and Marsella not enough get past Greenie’s Mavericks.
*Mac almost decapitated by an unidentified Maverick in move described only as “I’ve never seen anything like it.”
*Dino taking names and cracking skulls after the Mac incident making past and present “Tunnel Rats” proud.
*Quote of the night: “Are you guys kidding” - Tall MF Gary to the Kid when told he should give Fast Eddy some money as the team’s Fast Eddy delegate for the 1/12 game.
*Pics courtesy Minnesota Scott (I was only able to post one...I'm working on that).
Next game: 1/17/06: Pigs (6th place, 5-5-1) @ Greyhounds (1st place, 8-2-1) 9:00pm (NHL)
>Beer Bitches: Herrick, Kid, Jeff
>Fast Eddy: Rosie
>Meat Puppet: Lemon (Lem will be handing off his meat to the Mangler). For anyone who is concerned Lemon is comfortably resting with his Marbles on Ice after a successful “snip” this afternoon. Good luck to you with the Lemon!
Thursday, January 12, 2006
1/12: Ex Pig Greats Mo and Marsella joining the squad tonight. Pigs at home vs. the Mavericks. Both teams tied for fourth with 11 points.
News flash (courtesy Mac): Tall Mother Fucking Gary testing out his re-attached labia-majora.
News flash (courtesy Mac): Tall Mother Fucking Gary testing out his re-attached labia-majora.
Monday, January 09, 2006
News Flash: Former Puck Pig "Greenie" (now going by the street name Raphael) gets "stoned" in Montreal.
Fellow Pig players were unavailable for comment however current team Captain McClure provided this off the record remark. "The Puck Pig front office has severed all ties to the former player/coach. Goiter or not...we simply do not have room for yet another player with a weak wrist shot."
Story Courtesy AP
Fellow Pig players were unavailable for comment however current team Captain McClure provided this off the record remark. "The Puck Pig front office has severed all ties to the former player/coach. Goiter or not...we simply do not have room for yet another player with a weak wrist shot."
Story Courtesy AP
Pigs Start 2006 Jedi style
Bitches: Gracie, Fraser, Herrick
Fast Eddy: Tall Mother F*&%ingGary
Meat Puppet: Mac (again due to a Mangler Gas Glitch).
Season Record: 5-4-1 (4th tie)
Pig Ears from 1/4:
- The force was strong last night with our Light Saber wielding captain providing a pair of pts to fuel a 3-2 win over the hated Black Ice. Jedi Goaltender Jeff played a few mindtricks on opposing Black Ice forwards in particular with a 3rd period wave the glove to prevent a 3-2 turn of events.
- Fire squad learning how to bleed (Doyle) and fight (K Rose) on frozen surfaces. Good work boys.
- Pitt Justin continues to impress Pig fans by scoring his team leading 6th lamp lighter (which happened to be the game winner). Justin delighted the downtown
- Fraser (well he borrowed it from Dino) digs deep and gives Fast Eddy a “Fiver” to ring in the new year with a couple of Old English 40s.
Bitches: Gracie, Fraser, Herrick
Fast Eddy: Tall Mother F*&%ing
Meat Puppet: Mac (again due to a Mangler Gas Glitch).
Season Record: 5-4-1 (4th tie)
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