One from the 2002-3 Greenie Vault (posted without permission)

Pigs open New Year with a classic 6-5 win.
How the Pigs keep the calories off

A New Year and with the New Year comes fire works; code orange alerts; and blanket resolutions. For many Americans and Canadians, especially those who move to America to steal ice-time from Americans, the two most important resolutions for every New Year are watching more Pig games and keeping off the weight.

To loose weight, people must eat less and be more active. The first part of the equation is eating less of what? With warnings about mercury content in fish; mad cow disease and viruses from chickens in Asia there aren’t a lot of choices left except skittles and water. The second part of the equation is a little easier to answer especially if you’re a member of the Oakland Puck Pigs whose 2-1 record since New Year’s has propelled the Pigs into a tie for second place with the Hastings Owls.

How do then the Pigs keep off the weight and burn off the calories on game days?

Kid
Putting hand outside window to see if it’s raining: 25 calories
Listening to brother about engagement plans while driving to the game: 2 calories
Dressing (fastest dresser on the team): 50 calories
Skating into the offensive zone: 75 calories each time-Total 750 calories
Shooting, passing and clearing the puck: 250 calories
Listening to Greenspan about skating in the offensive zone: 0 calories

Peter
Calling Gary to tell him he is injured and can’t play: 50 calories
Golfing while injured: 500 calories
When playing, shots from the point; passing; breaking up 2 on 1s: 650 calories
Roughing it up in front: 450 calories
Drinking beer after the game: 35 calories
Pretending to listen to Greenspan about anything: 0 calories


The Pigs opened the New Year with an impressive 6-5 victory over the first place Skatefull Dead whose only two defeats this year have been at the hands of the Puck Pigs.
The Pigs, once again off to a fast start, took a 2-0 lead only to see it evaporate late in the first period. Both teams traded goals well into the third period thanks to some great offensive playing by Longshore, Fraser, Marcella, Rosey and Dino and excellent forechecking.

Dennis Longshore
Pre-game warm-up: 125 calories
Passing, scoring, fore-checking, back checking: 735 calories
High sticking teammate in locker room: 100 calories
High sticking opponent: 150 calories
Sitting in penalty box: 10 calories per penalty-Total 50 calories
Listening to Greenspan about the defensive zone: 0 calories

With the score tied with about 4 minutes left in the game, Dino, while being knocked down in front, was able to get a shot off and fire it into the net for the go ahead goal. With four minutes to go the Pigs defense led by Obus, Tall Gary, Kid and Pete made some key plays clearing the zone and tieing up the opposition in front. With the goalie pulled, Greenspan won a key face off deep in the Pigs zone and Fraser’s ability to clear the zone helped the Pigs preserve their first win of the New Year. “It was a tremendous win for the Pigs, said Dino. “Not only did we win, but it proved that we can win the big games without McClure and Buck.”

Mac
Changing diapers: 275 calories
Fixing dinner for the wife and kids: 750 calories
Calling to get out of the game: 50 calories
Telling wife “I’m not going to Vegas unless you come with me.” 200 calories
(extra 50 calories if in praying position while talking to wife)
Playing with kids: 350 calories
Cleaning up: 450 calories
Shock at looking at score sheet: 75 calories

After playing one of their greatest periods in team history against the Edge by outscoring the Edge 3-0 in the first period, the Pigs unexpectedly unraveled by allowing 6 unanswered goals en route to a 6-3 loss. “Hopefully, we can learn from that game,” said the kid. “I know I did-don’t invite family to games you think you may loose since they will stop believing you when you tell them we won.”

Obus
Holding umbrella for brother while he walks to the car: 25 calories
Telling brother about his engagement while driving: 300 calories
Clearing pucks and opponents, passing and shooting: 800 calories
Reading the score sheet after the game: 25 calories
Changing the score sheet: 300 calories
E-Mailing the score sheet: 100 calories
Adding up Greenspan’s points: 0 calories

The Pigs third game of the year matched the Pigs against the Oakland Seals who were coming into the game with a five game winning streak and a much improved team from their last game against the Pigs. “A lot of teams obtain players during the season to improve their team, but unfortunately the Pigs have never picked up players during the season,” said Tall Gary. “The only things some players usually pick up during the season is a new pair of socks and hope that other teams think they are new players.”



Tall MF Gary
Talking about Canada: 5 calories
Talking about the new hockey jerseys: 25 calories
Being Tall: 25 calories
Slapshots from the point: 350 calories
Rushes up ice; clearing the opposition in front; passing: 725 calories
Listening to Peter’s excuses for not showing up at a game: 50 calories
Listening to Greenspan about considering making the breakout pass a little earlier: 0 calories

Jeff “Pipes”Giving identification to get locker room key: 50 calories
(Add 125 calories if he has to look for the guy or gal behind the counter)
Kick saves; glove saves and blocker saves: 1025 calories
Listening to Greenspan about blocking the angle: 0 calories

The Pigs gave up the fastest goal in team history just 14 seconds into the game when the Seals forwards moved in quickly and scored against a surprised Jeff. The Pigs however roared back on Kent McClure’s goal in the slot off a feed from Greenspan behind the Seal’s net. The Seals however showing why they are the leading scoring team in the league struck back with two unanswered goals to take a 3-1 lead. “It wasn’t looking good
After the first period,” said, Kevin Rose. “We were being outscored and we had a very short bench with only two lines, but we proved out toughness coming back.”

Dino
Carrying stick bag: 35 calories
Practicing his patened deak: 75 calories
Putting stick on the ice: 35 calories
Shooting and scoring while being cross-checked: 350 calories
Roughing it up in front of the net: 650 calories
Listening to Greenspan about going into deep in the defensive zone: 0 calories

Fraser
Putting on green hockey pants: 25 calories
Aggressive backchecking and forechecking; passing; shooting: 5000 calories
Dreaming of squirrels while listening to Greenspan: 5 calories

And coming back the Pigs did while burning a record number of calories. Longshore scored to pull the Pigs within one and then Greenspan scored his first goal of the season on a rebound off a great rush by Tall Gary. “People will read the score sheet and think Greenspan scored on an incredible play with an amazing shot,” said Obus. “However, anyone who knows hockey will agree that the goal was scored on an incredible play thanks to Gary and that Greenspan was probably falling when he accidentally knocked the puck in.”


David Greenspan
Injuring leg: 50 calories
Injuring adam’s apple: 50 calories
Injuring hand: 50 calories
Injuring back: 50 calories
Proclaiming he is fit to play: 25 calories
Scoring: 0 calories
Skating to bench after an injury: 250 calories
Back checking; winning face-offs and passing: 550 calories
Coaching and advising: 150 calories (if winning)
Coaching and advising: 450 calories (if loosing)