Thursday, December 04, 2008
In commanding fashion the OIC Puck Pigs defeated the Blitz by a score of 10-2 on Tuesday night. The Pigs were in control the entire game despite having a lean bench.
Looking svelte and considerably faster, newest Pig Chris Linden aka the Box was able to have a break out night, potting 5 goals. His patent top-shelf wrister was in fine tune as most of his goals were scored in one of his favorite places. Top shelf where they keep the cookie jar. It looks like lately Box has been eating "just one" as his teammates are beginning to see his shape improve while his game is rounding into form as promised.
Not to be over looked, Swine star and leading scorer (yawn) TMac was also able to provide considerable scoring for the team. His commanding puck possession and nose for the net proved to be too much for the Blitz on most of his shifts. Pig's most eligible bachelor was on the "score" sheet for a hatty and a helper.
The game proved to be very entertaining for the Puck Pigs number one fan. Brother-in law, as he's is refered to in the locker room, was able to witness scoring, big |Pipes|saves and even a lesson in "play with the bull and you get the horns"!
When not wine tasting with the team he can often be found promoting the Puck Pigs at various charity events. His support and dedication to the team is second to none.
Brother in Law runs carpool
Brother in Law helps Santa deliver gifts to under privileged Oakland children
Brother in Law teaches swim lessons
Brother in Law goes wine tasting
Brother in Law witnesses mugging and calls the authorities promptly
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Pig Player Quiz
Match the correct Pig to the General Beer League Player Category in the comments section. Some may only apply to ex Pigs or simply may be a decoy. Choose wisely.
The Ringer
Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is let him play for free. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the "Silver A" Division title.
The Young Guy
At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job. The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to him by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.
The Old Guy
Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him...even though his gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily old guy -- a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when professional athletes were real men. "Eddie Shore -- now there was a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift."
The Tardy Goalie
Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, dickhead.
The Beginner
Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the Beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment, and take up hockey in your 40's. On the other hand, learn to take a pass, man. It's right on your stick, for Christ's sake. How does that knock you over? And now you're friggin offside! Not to mention the Beginner shows up at every game, no matter what time or what day. Sunday night playoff game at 11PM - no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.
The Complete Psycho
Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt. And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.
The Naked Guy
Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and you had better maintain eye contact like your life depended on it....or come face to face with the swinging sausage.
The Guy with the New Girlfriend
An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games, tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else's and it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new wife...at which point he'll never miss another game.
The Organizer
This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play. Is frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he's a really nice guy. Is often heard in the dressing room saying 'Sorry guys, that one was my fault' and if he's lucky somebody will chip in something like 'No worries Donny, it's a team effort.' What everybody is really thinking is 'Hey Donny, my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right, that was your fault.' If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.
The Minor Hockey Allstar
Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills but after you get zero passes you'll get the picture. This guy topped out at 'AA' Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey dickhead I've been open for the past 5 minutes),then into the next corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other team. Cut this guy.
The Johnny Try Hard
Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape. They were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the same year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the 'Running Room'. Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.
The Stanley Cup Champion
This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score. If this is an opposing player you must nip this behavior in the bud by catching him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front of the other team.
The Tough Guy
This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never been in a fight and is characterized by antagonizing behaviour on the ice. In extreme cases he will 'cheap shot' another player. The fact that your beer league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of courage. What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy. There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.
The Wrong Guy
Not to be confused with 'The Complete Psycho'. This guy shows up, doesn't say much and pretty much flies under the radar screen. The kid that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355 pims in the East Cost 3 years ago..
The Gary Roberts
Can be described as being way too intense. This guy is one of your better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play. At the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of house-leaguers. He believes the game should be played a certain way and despises 'pond hockey' style play with no back checking or positional assignments. Most likely is suffering from a complex of 'unfinished business' from his previous hockey career and is looking to capture some shred of glory via the rec-league championship. This guy is probably better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.
Match the correct Pig to the General Beer League Player Category in the comments section. Some may only apply to ex Pigs or simply may be a decoy. Choose wisely.
The Ringer
Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is let him play for free. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the "Silver A" Division title.
The Young Guy
At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job. The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to him by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.
The Old Guy
Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him...even though his gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily old guy -- a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when professional athletes were real men. "Eddie Shore -- now there was a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift."
The Tardy Goalie
Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, dickhead.
The Beginner
Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the Beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment, and take up hockey in your 40's. On the other hand, learn to take a pass, man. It's right on your stick, for Christ's sake. How does that knock you over? And now you're friggin offside! Not to mention the Beginner shows up at every game, no matter what time or what day. Sunday night playoff game at 11PM - no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.
The Complete Psycho
Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt. And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.
The Naked Guy
Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and you had better maintain eye contact like your life depended on it....or come face to face with the swinging sausage.
The Guy with the New Girlfriend
An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games, tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else's and it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new wife...at which point he'll never miss another game.
The Organizer
This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play. Is frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he's a really nice guy. Is often heard in the dressing room saying 'Sorry guys, that one was my fault' and if he's lucky somebody will chip in something like 'No worries Donny, it's a team effort.' What everybody is really thinking is 'Hey Donny, my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right, that was your fault.' If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.
The Minor Hockey Allstar
Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills but after you get zero passes you'll get the picture. This guy topped out at 'AA' Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey dickhead I've been open for the past 5 minutes),then into the next corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other team. Cut this guy.
The Johnny Try Hard
Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape. They were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the same year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the 'Running Room'. Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.
The Stanley Cup Champion
This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score. If this is an opposing player you must nip this behavior in the bud by catching him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front of the other team.
The Tough Guy
This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never been in a fight and is characterized by antagonizing behaviour on the ice. In extreme cases he will 'cheap shot' another player. The fact that your beer league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of courage. What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy. There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.
The Wrong Guy
Not to be confused with 'The Complete Psycho'. This guy shows up, doesn't say much and pretty much flies under the radar screen. The kid that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355 pims in the East Cost 3 years ago..
The Gary Roberts
Can be described as being way too intense. This guy is one of your better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play. At the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of house-leaguers. He believes the game should be played a certain way and despises 'pond hockey' style play with no back checking or positional assignments. Most likely is suffering from a complex of 'unfinished business' from his previous hockey career and is looking to capture some shred of glory via the rec-league championship. This guy is probably better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.
Monday, August 25, 2008
8/25/2008: 0:00
Three is a magic number. Three zero’s, three goals, and an ill timed five on three all proved too much for the Pigs in the semi final playoff game against the C.H.U.D.S. Minus T-mac (see Jack Johnson) the Pigs jumped out to a 3-2 lead thanks to Pig legend Obus who willed a goal and two assists. With time running out in the 3rd and the Pigs on a five on three advantage disaster struck. As Papi tells the story Pete missed him by a mile (several meters) finding none other than #88 playing the top of the three man defensive triangle. 88 was off and ultimately hauled down by Pistole Pete himself to the tune of a penalty shot. Pipes got a piece of it however with 3 minutes to play the game was tied 3-3 and ultimately went to OT. With the clock reading 0:00 in the OT frame the puck found its way into the Pig net. After a brief conference with the scorekeeper the goal was allowed and the Pigs sent packing after a heart breaking 4-3 loss.
The game marked the last of Dennis Longshore’s 13 year career as a Pig. Dennis has decided to retire citing rising fuel and glass expenses. The Wisconsin native will be remembered for his long shifts and late emails. We’ll miss you buddy! Good luck in San Jose. Lemon is slated to take his coveted #2 line Center position after more than a decade patrolling the blue line.
Three is a magic number. Three zero’s, three goals, and an ill timed five on three all proved too much for the Pigs in the semi final playoff game against the C.H.U.D.S. Minus T-mac (see Jack Johnson) the Pigs jumped out to a 3-2 lead thanks to Pig legend Obus who willed a goal and two assists. With time running out in the 3rd and the Pigs on a five on three advantage disaster struck. As Papi tells the story Pete missed him by a mile (several meters) finding none other than #88 playing the top of the three man defensive triangle. 88 was off and ultimately hauled down by Pistole Pete himself to the tune of a penalty shot. Pipes got a piece of it however with 3 minutes to play the game was tied 3-3 and ultimately went to OT. With the clock reading 0:00 in the OT frame the puck found its way into the Pig net. After a brief conference with the scorekeeper the goal was allowed and the Pigs sent packing after a heart breaking 4-3 loss.
The game marked the last of Dennis Longshore’s 13 year career as a Pig. Dennis has decided to retire citing rising fuel and glass expenses. The Wisconsin native will be remembered for his long shifts and late emails. We’ll miss you buddy! Good luck in San Jose. Lemon is slated to take his coveted #2 line Center position after more than a decade patrolling the blue line.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
8/12/08: Pipes continues to Drink the special Indian water
Pigs win it 5-0. Pipes baby.
Here's a little song for ya... "make me fries."
Playoffs start on Tuesday.
Pigs win it 5-0. Pipes baby.
Here's a little song for ya... "make me fries."
Playoffs start on Tuesday.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
8/6/2008: Pipes v John Muir
Pipes lead the Pigs to a much needed ‘dubbya’ last night by posting a shutout against the Prairie Dogs. “That was some good water Kid...thanks for the bottle” Pipes was overheard after stopping 40 shots on the night. What Pipes didn’t know was that he was drinking Hetch Hetchy water…that’s right…none of that East Bay MUD crap he was sippin on last week when 7 pucks found their way through his pads. The water he had last night was the secret ingredient we’ve been looking for down the stretch. Back to the game…without regulars Papi, Tmac, Dino, Lemon, etc the Pigs and a small compliment of geriatric Blazers were able to burry a couple goals and hold off the Dogs including a full two minutes of 5-3 hockey (thanks to Mac’s little tantrum). The return of Mo from a nasty case of bursitis saw him score the 1st goal early in the 1st period in what would ultimately be a 2-0 game. “I saw this really old fat guy streaking down the ice…I couldn’t tell if it was Mo, Dave, Dave, Evan, or Obus” recalled Mac as he set up the game winning tally. Tall Gary didn't have any "helpers" however he did have a good game. Thanks Gary!
Pipes lead the Pigs to a much needed ‘dubbya’ last night by posting a shutout against the Prairie Dogs. “That was some good water Kid...thanks for the bottle” Pipes was overheard after stopping 40 shots on the night. What Pipes didn’t know was that he was drinking Hetch Hetchy water…that’s right…none of that East Bay MUD crap he was sippin on last week when 7 pucks found their way through his pads. The water he had last night was the secret ingredient we’ve been looking for down the stretch. Back to the game…without regulars Papi, Tmac, Dino, Lemon, etc the Pigs and a small compliment of geriatric Blazers were able to burry a couple goals and hold off the Dogs including a full two minutes of 5-3 hockey (thanks to Mac’s little tantrum). The return of Mo from a nasty case of bursitis saw him score the 1st goal early in the 1st period in what would ultimately be a 2-0 game. “I saw this really old fat guy streaking down the ice…I couldn’t tell if it was Mo, Dave, Dave, Evan, or Obus” recalled Mac as he set up the game winning tally. Tall Gary didn't have any "helpers" however he did have a good game. Thanks Gary!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
7/27/2008: “Yelling at the referee will Win you games”
Pretty funny. The Pigs still havn’t figured this one out. We are an aging team. Anyway a lot has gone down since May with the Pigs going 5-4-1 landing them in 3rd place with an 8-4-2 overall record with two games to play. Aside from the pedestrian record the Pigs did lose the Mangler for the season to an upper body injury in June. After years of going down for “metro” ailments such as Labia Majora and Minora pulls, vaginosis, uterual cysts, etc Jackie boy finally injures a man part…a ruptured bicept. Congrats. He couldn't be happier (see pic).
Other notables: Lemon trips over a fire hose, Mo AWOL (not really sure what the problem is), and the return of the once great Obus who’s 1998 season was spectacular as he lead the Pigs to their 1st ever championship with a 23 goal season. What a difference 10 years makes.
Pretty funny. The Pigs still havn’t figured this one out. We are an aging team. Anyway a lot has gone down since May with the Pigs going 5-4-1 landing them in 3rd place with an 8-4-2 overall record with two games to play. Aside from the pedestrian record the Pigs did lose the Mangler for the season to an upper body injury in June. After years of going down for “metro” ailments such as Labia Majora and Minora pulls, vaginosis, uterual cysts, etc Jackie boy finally injures a man part…a ruptured bicept. Congrats. He couldn't be happier (see pic).
Other notables: Lemon trips over a fire hose, Mo AWOL (not really sure what the problem is), and the return of the once great Obus who’s 1998 season was spectacular as he lead the Pigs to their 1st ever championship with a 23 goal season. What a difference 10 years makes.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
5/20/2008 No Meat: The Tall Gary Chronicles
Why do we call Gary "Tall Mother F*&cking Gary"?...might be easier to explain why we don't. Anyway it happened again last night as Gary blew his Meat and Beer coverage with a feeble excuse that went something like "I can't be expected to read 800 e-mails...I'm a freakin VP for Christ’s sake." So there we were after a sweet 4-1 win against the Prairie Dogs with nothing to eat but a bag of chips that KRose serendipitously packed with his Hawaiian Beer. Pig Elders are meeting later this week to discuss disciplinary action against the 6-4 Cancuk. His future with the Pig organization is in jeopardy and talks of extending Gary through the 2013 season have stalled.
Tall Gary Fun Fact: In college they called him "Ninja"...see video here
Why do we call Gary "Tall Mother F*&cking Gary"?...might be easier to explain why we don't. Anyway it happened again last night as Gary blew his Meat and Beer coverage with a feeble excuse that went something like "I can't be expected to read 800 e-mails...I'm a freakin VP for Christ’s sake." So there we were after a sweet 4-1 win against the Prairie Dogs with nothing to eat but a bag of chips that KRose serendipitously packed with his Hawaiian Beer. Pig Elders are meeting later this week to discuss disciplinary action against the 6-4 Cancuk. His future with the Pig organization is in jeopardy and talks of extending Gary through the 2013 season have stalled.
Tall Gary Fun Fact: In college they called him "Ninja"...see video here
Friday, May 16, 2008
One from the 2002-3 Greenie Vault (posted without permission)
Pigs open New Year with a classic 6-5 win.
How the Pigs keep the calories off
A New Year and with the New Year comes fire works; code orange alerts; and blanket resolutions. For many Americans and Canadians, especially those who move to America to steal ice-time from Americans, the two most important resolutions for every New Year are watching more Pig games and keeping off the weight.
To loose weight, people must eat less and be more active. The first part of the equation is eating less of what? With warnings about mercury content in fish; mad cow disease and viruses from chickens in Asia there aren’t a lot of choices left except skittles and water. The second part of the equation is a little easier to answer especially if you’re a member of the Oakland Puck Pigs whose 2-1 record since New Year’s has propelled the Pigs into a tie for second place with the Hastings Owls.
How do then the Pigs keep off the weight and burn off the calories on game days?
Kid
Putting hand outside window to see if it’s raining: 25 calories
Listening to brother about engagement plans while driving to the game: 2 calories
Dressing (fastest dresser on the team): 50 calories
Skating into the offensive zone: 75 calories each time-Total 750 calories
Shooting, passing and clearing the puck: 250 calories
Listening to Greenspan about skating in the offensive zone: 0 calories
Peter
Calling Gary to tell him he is injured and can’t play: 50 calories
Golfing while injured: 500 calories
When playing, shots from the point; passing; breaking up 2 on 1s: 650 calories
Roughing it up in front: 450 calories
Drinking beer after the game: 35 calories
Pretending to listen to Greenspan about anything: 0 calories
The Pigs opened the New Year with an impressive 6-5 victory over the first place Skatefull Dead whose only two defeats this year have been at the hands of the Puck Pigs.
The Pigs, once again off to a fast start, took a 2-0 lead only to see it evaporate late in the first period. Both teams traded goals well into the third period thanks to some great offensive playing by Longshore, Fraser, Marcella, Rosey and Dino and excellent forechecking.
Dennis Longshore
Pre-game warm-up: 125 calories
Passing, scoring, fore-checking, back checking: 735 calories
High sticking teammate in locker room: 100 calories
High sticking opponent: 150 calories
Sitting in penalty box: 10 calories per penalty-Total 50 calories
Listening to Greenspan about the defensive zone: 0 calories
With the score tied with about 4 minutes left in the game, Dino, while being knocked down in front, was able to get a shot off and fire it into the net for the go ahead goal. With four minutes to go the Pigs defense led by Obus, Tall Gary, Kid and Pete made some key plays clearing the zone and tieing up the opposition in front. With the goalie pulled, Greenspan won a key face off deep in the Pigs zone and Fraser’s ability to clear the zone helped the Pigs preserve their first win of the New Year. “It was a tremendous win for the Pigs, said Dino. “Not only did we win, but it proved that we can win the big games without McClure and Buck.”
Mac
Changing diapers: 275 calories
Fixing dinner for the wife and kids: 750 calories
Calling to get out of the game: 50 calories
Telling wife “I’m not going to Vegas unless you come with me.” 200 calories
(extra 50 calories if in praying position while talking to wife)
Playing with kids: 350 calories
Cleaning up: 450 calories
Shock at looking at score sheet: 75 calories
After playing one of their greatest periods in team history against the Edge by outscoring the Edge 3-0 in the first period, the Pigs unexpectedly unraveled by allowing 6 unanswered goals en route to a 6-3 loss. “Hopefully, we can learn from that game,” said the kid. “I know I did-don’t invite family to games you think you may loose since they will stop believing you when you tell them we won.”
Obus
Holding umbrella for brother while he walks to the car: 25 calories
Telling brother about his engagement while driving: 300 calories
Clearing pucks and opponents, passing and shooting: 800 calories
Reading the score sheet after the game: 25 calories
Changing the score sheet: 300 calories
E-Mailing the score sheet: 100 calories
Adding up Greenspan’s points: 0 calories
The Pigs third game of the year matched the Pigs against the Oakland Seals who were coming into the game with a five game winning streak and a much improved team from their last game against the Pigs. “A lot of teams obtain players during the season to improve their team, but unfortunately the Pigs have never picked up players during the season,” said Tall Gary. “The only things some players usually pick up during the season is a new pair of socks and hope that other teams think they are new players.”
Tall MF Gary
Talking about Canada: 5 calories
Talking about the new hockey jerseys: 25 calories
Being Tall: 25 calories
Slapshots from the point: 350 calories
Rushes up ice; clearing the opposition in front; passing: 725 calories
Listening to Peter’s excuses for not showing up at a game: 50 calories
Listening to Greenspan about considering making the breakout pass a little earlier: 0 calories
Jeff “Pipes”Giving identification to get locker room key: 50 calories
(Add 125 calories if he has to look for the guy or gal behind the counter)
Kick saves; glove saves and blocker saves: 1025 calories
Listening to Greenspan about blocking the angle: 0 calories
The Pigs gave up the fastest goal in team history just 14 seconds into the game when the Seals forwards moved in quickly and scored against a surprised Jeff. The Pigs however roared back on Kent McClure’s goal in the slot off a feed from Greenspan behind the Seal’s net. The Seals however showing why they are the leading scoring team in the league struck back with two unanswered goals to take a 3-1 lead. “It wasn’t looking good
After the first period,” said, Kevin Rose. “We were being outscored and we had a very short bench with only two lines, but we proved out toughness coming back.”
Dino
Carrying stick bag: 35 calories
Practicing his patened deak: 75 calories
Putting stick on the ice: 35 calories
Shooting and scoring while being cross-checked: 350 calories
Roughing it up in front of the net: 650 calories
Listening to Greenspan about going into deep in the defensive zone: 0 calories
Fraser
Putting on green hockey pants: 25 calories
Aggressive backchecking and forechecking; passing; shooting: 5000 calories
Dreaming of squirrels while listening to Greenspan: 5 calories
And coming back the Pigs did while burning a record number of calories. Longshore scored to pull the Pigs within one and then Greenspan scored his first goal of the season on a rebound off a great rush by Tall Gary. “People will read the score sheet and think Greenspan scored on an incredible play with an amazing shot,” said Obus. “However, anyone who knows hockey will agree that the goal was scored on an incredible play thanks to Gary and that Greenspan was probably falling when he accidentally knocked the puck in.”
David Greenspan
Injuring leg: 50 calories
Injuring adam’s apple: 50 calories
Injuring hand: 50 calories
Injuring back: 50 calories
Proclaiming he is fit to play: 25 calories
Scoring: 0 calories
Skating to bench after an injury: 250 calories
Back checking; winning face-offs and passing: 550 calories
Coaching and advising: 150 calories (if winning)
Coaching and advising: 450 calories (if loosing)
Pigs open New Year with a classic 6-5 win.
How the Pigs keep the calories off
A New Year and with the New Year comes fire works; code orange alerts; and blanket resolutions. For many Americans and Canadians, especially those who move to America to steal ice-time from Americans, the two most important resolutions for every New Year are watching more Pig games and keeping off the weight.
To loose weight, people must eat less and be more active. The first part of the equation is eating less of what? With warnings about mercury content in fish; mad cow disease and viruses from chickens in Asia there aren’t a lot of choices left except skittles and water. The second part of the equation is a little easier to answer especially if you’re a member of the Oakland Puck Pigs whose 2-1 record since New Year’s has propelled the Pigs into a tie for second place with the Hastings Owls.
How do then the Pigs keep off the weight and burn off the calories on game days?
Kid
Putting hand outside window to see if it’s raining: 25 calories
Listening to brother about engagement plans while driving to the game: 2 calories
Dressing (fastest dresser on the team): 50 calories
Skating into the offensive zone: 75 calories each time-Total 750 calories
Shooting, passing and clearing the puck: 250 calories
Listening to Greenspan about skating in the offensive zone: 0 calories
Peter
Calling Gary to tell him he is injured and can’t play: 50 calories
Golfing while injured: 500 calories
When playing, shots from the point; passing; breaking up 2 on 1s: 650 calories
Roughing it up in front: 450 calories
Drinking beer after the game: 35 calories
Pretending to listen to Greenspan about anything: 0 calories
The Pigs opened the New Year with an impressive 6-5 victory over the first place Skatefull Dead whose only two defeats this year have been at the hands of the Puck Pigs.
The Pigs, once again off to a fast start, took a 2-0 lead only to see it evaporate late in the first period. Both teams traded goals well into the third period thanks to some great offensive playing by Longshore, Fraser, Marcella, Rosey and Dino and excellent forechecking.
Dennis Longshore
Pre-game warm-up: 125 calories
Passing, scoring, fore-checking, back checking: 735 calories
High sticking teammate in locker room: 100 calories
High sticking opponent: 150 calories
Sitting in penalty box: 10 calories per penalty-Total 50 calories
Listening to Greenspan about the defensive zone: 0 calories
With the score tied with about 4 minutes left in the game, Dino, while being knocked down in front, was able to get a shot off and fire it into the net for the go ahead goal. With four minutes to go the Pigs defense led by Obus, Tall Gary, Kid and Pete made some key plays clearing the zone and tieing up the opposition in front. With the goalie pulled, Greenspan won a key face off deep in the Pigs zone and Fraser’s ability to clear the zone helped the Pigs preserve their first win of the New Year. “It was a tremendous win for the Pigs, said Dino. “Not only did we win, but it proved that we can win the big games without McClure and Buck.”
Mac
Changing diapers: 275 calories
Fixing dinner for the wife and kids: 750 calories
Calling to get out of the game: 50 calories
Telling wife “I’m not going to Vegas unless you come with me.” 200 calories
(extra 50 calories if in praying position while talking to wife)
Playing with kids: 350 calories
Cleaning up: 450 calories
Shock at looking at score sheet: 75 calories
After playing one of their greatest periods in team history against the Edge by outscoring the Edge 3-0 in the first period, the Pigs unexpectedly unraveled by allowing 6 unanswered goals en route to a 6-3 loss. “Hopefully, we can learn from that game,” said the kid. “I know I did-don’t invite family to games you think you may loose since they will stop believing you when you tell them we won.”
Obus
Holding umbrella for brother while he walks to the car: 25 calories
Telling brother about his engagement while driving: 300 calories
Clearing pucks and opponents, passing and shooting: 800 calories
Reading the score sheet after the game: 25 calories
Changing the score sheet: 300 calories
E-Mailing the score sheet: 100 calories
Adding up Greenspan’s points: 0 calories
The Pigs third game of the year matched the Pigs against the Oakland Seals who were coming into the game with a five game winning streak and a much improved team from their last game against the Pigs. “A lot of teams obtain players during the season to improve their team, but unfortunately the Pigs have never picked up players during the season,” said Tall Gary. “The only things some players usually pick up during the season is a new pair of socks and hope that other teams think they are new players.”
Tall MF Gary
Talking about Canada: 5 calories
Talking about the new hockey jerseys: 25 calories
Being Tall: 25 calories
Slapshots from the point: 350 calories
Rushes up ice; clearing the opposition in front; passing: 725 calories
Listening to Peter’s excuses for not showing up at a game: 50 calories
Listening to Greenspan about considering making the breakout pass a little earlier: 0 calories
Jeff “Pipes”Giving identification to get locker room key: 50 calories
(Add 125 calories if he has to look for the guy or gal behind the counter)
Kick saves; glove saves and blocker saves: 1025 calories
Listening to Greenspan about blocking the angle: 0 calories
The Pigs gave up the fastest goal in team history just 14 seconds into the game when the Seals forwards moved in quickly and scored against a surprised Jeff. The Pigs however roared back on Kent McClure’s goal in the slot off a feed from Greenspan behind the Seal’s net. The Seals however showing why they are the leading scoring team in the league struck back with two unanswered goals to take a 3-1 lead. “It wasn’t looking good
After the first period,” said, Kevin Rose. “We were being outscored and we had a very short bench with only two lines, but we proved out toughness coming back.”
Dino
Carrying stick bag: 35 calories
Practicing his patened deak: 75 calories
Putting stick on the ice: 35 calories
Shooting and scoring while being cross-checked: 350 calories
Roughing it up in front of the net: 650 calories
Listening to Greenspan about going into deep in the defensive zone: 0 calories
Fraser
Putting on green hockey pants: 25 calories
Aggressive backchecking and forechecking; passing; shooting: 5000 calories
Dreaming of squirrels while listening to Greenspan: 5 calories
And coming back the Pigs did while burning a record number of calories. Longshore scored to pull the Pigs within one and then Greenspan scored his first goal of the season on a rebound off a great rush by Tall Gary. “People will read the score sheet and think Greenspan scored on an incredible play with an amazing shot,” said Obus. “However, anyone who knows hockey will agree that the goal was scored on an incredible play thanks to Gary and that Greenspan was probably falling when he accidentally knocked the puck in.”
David Greenspan
Injuring leg: 50 calories
Injuring adam’s apple: 50 calories
Injuring hand: 50 calories
Injuring back: 50 calories
Proclaiming he is fit to play: 25 calories
Scoring: 0 calories
Skating to bench after an injury: 250 calories
Back checking; winning face-offs and passing: 550 calories
Coaching and advising: 150 calories (if winning)
Coaching and advising: 450 calories (if loosing)
Intellegence Report 10823.12.09142 (Pilipino Flash)
Click for Top Secret and Pig Confidential Reports:
Hockey Report
Lacross Report
High School Report
Intel courtesy of the "Mangler"
Click for Top Secret and Pig Confidential Reports:
Hockey Report
Lacross Report
High School Report
Intel courtesy of the "Mangler"
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Head Butts...we don't need no stinkin' head butts.
So it was on the 7th day the Lord rested and looked and marveled at what he had created. I'm thinking head buttin' cageless hockey players wasn't one of them. The Pigs rolled in typical Swine fashion. It started out with an early game that many Pigs aren't use to so what did the boys in black do......Dominate Short for a majority of the game. Pipes got a late start out of the locker room with only 1:34 to warm up. Steve decided to covet the holiest of seats and cop a squat in Pipes normal place. I do believe seating assignments for Swine can be found in our by-laws page 2 paragraph 3 line 7. Anyway, it seemed to put Pipes in the right mind set. Not only did he stone the "Flash" he made him look like a rented player FOB (Fresh of the Boat) from Manila. The ice seemed a bit uneven the first period with the Mavericks dominating on the shot clock and overall chances. The fact that Dennis strained his Vulva in warm ups didn't help the guys playing Center....oh I mean Rob. Dennis in typical Wisconsin grit sucked it up and made a hell of a game. Nice work Longshore. The newest member to the squad Mo chiseled his name in fine Pig fashion. He has now shown all that it ain't the size of the dog in the fight it's the size of the fight in the dog. After Mo was repeatedly hacked and slashed he decided to rectify a wrong and make it right, unfortunately the CAGE MAN had his own plans.....Can you say Head Butt to a cageless player. Mo and T Mac now have more in common than they thought, horseshoe scars....NICE! Well back to the action. The game pretty much stayed a 1-1 stalemate through most of the shenanigans until Papi decided to show the Mavericks what true punishment is. Lets just say that Papi went back to the days of glory when a cup check meant you were dating and an elbow to the chops meant your were liked but not loved. Papi found himself an early way to the showers for reasons most are still unsure of. He is taking the next few games off to recon the Pacific Isles for more to unleash his wrath. Now the Pigs are down Mo (Major for slashing), Papi (playing hard) and TMAC, PG, TG, DINO, MAGLER (??????). So that leaves Mac, Lem, Kid, Dennis, K Rose, Robb, RPM to handle a 5 on 3 for 5 minutes. Mind you there is only 5:55 left in the game and it is nutlocked at 1. Well enter RPM and his Ginsu.....For those who were there, you know. Those that weren't know that his edges on his skates are SHARP. Glove side end to end killin' a 5 on 3.....Priceless. The only thing that wasn't in the Pig Plan was a High Stick by the Mavs to knock one down and bury it on Pipes who did all he could to help secure RPM's game winner. The score ended 2-2 but by Moral victory standards Pigs 10 Mavs 2. Thanks to Magler for sending out the recent recon on our newest target Kevin Arabejo (Flip Flash). T Mac can teach him a thing or two about keeping your feet. And yes Papi the Pacheco Library called me and told me to not keep overdue books it takes away from us all. See you all next Tuesday for a little Prarie Dog action on the big ice.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
May 6, 2008: Pigs v PBR: Magic 8; Balls Nostradamus once said “A just one will be sent back again into exile…” and so it happened last night in Oakland as Tmac was escorted off the ice early in the 1st period with an apparent facial flesh wound. Upon his return, complete with butterfly Band-Aid between the eyes, the Pigs were trailing 2-0 deep into the 2nd period. As if Nostradamus wasn’t enough it looks as though Dino’s recent vasectomy has given him prognosticating powers beyond his wildest dream as he was overheard mumbling a laughable game final score prediction of 8-2. Then it happened. Tmac tied things up 2-2 with a pair of 2nd period beauties. In the third the Pigs took a 3-2 lead behind a Kid goal powered by the sweet soft hands of Dino and Herrick. Gracie lit the lamp seconds later with a laser from the point. Tmac got the hat trick seconds behind that and the hits kept coming. With the score 7-2 and the clock winding down it looked as if Dino’s bold prediction was meaningless however as if it were written in stone Dino buried the 8th goal of the night as the Pigs win it 8-2. That was some magic and those were some bruised balls.
Post Game Notes: T-mac received emergency medical attention after the game and it required only 10 stitches. He is expected to make a full recovery.
Post Game Interview: Jackie Tells it like it is
Post Game Notes: T-mac received emergency medical attention after the game and it required only 10 stitches. He is expected to make a full recovery.
Post Game Interview: Jackie Tells it like it is
Monday, May 05, 2008
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